[JessUpsAndDowns]

So it seems lately that every time I try to defend/explain /stick up for myself and get a little loud people say I'm just being crazy. In my mind I'm just trying to get others to understand where I'm coming from or how I'm feeling and I talk loudly or yell because I feel like I'm not being heard. And this turns into frustration which in turn becomes an argument. And here lately that turns into me having hurt feelings and being angry. I've begun to emotionally dissolve and act irrationally because I feel helpless and misunderstood and begin to cry and fall into depression. I'm not exactly sure why I cannot handle these situations but they get thrown back into my face over and over that I went crazy again and acted stupid. I honestly feel like what I'm trying to argue is valid. That I'm not just trying to argue. I honestly hate arguing. This has been going on between my spouse and I for a couple weeks. Specifically in reference to two things. Her tone and attitude which come off as angry and sick of me and her continuing friendship and need to hang out with her ex girlfriend. She says I manipulate her all the time. However I've caught her manipulating and lying to me about aspects of their relationship and I honestly just don't believe anything that's said about it anymore. But if I express concerns or worries I'm just being irrational and I should trust her that they are just friends. I don't feel as if my feelings have been taken into consideration in this situation. My close friends feel like I should start the road to separation and divorce because she is not good for me. I don't know what to do.

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[shezbut]

You may want to try telling a person "I feel ___ when ____" Word your statements carefully, so they are not personal attacks on anyone (including yourself). Instead: they are simple and clear. Don't make them complex.

I also recommend checking out this link below. It has been very helpful to me!

DBT Self Help

Best wishes to you & to PsychCentral!

[Skeezyks]

Hello JessUpsAndDowns: The Skeezyks would simply like to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you might be able to find deep peace within...

[nicoleflynn]

The key here, is to NOT argue. Simply state what you think and stop there. You don't owe anyone an explanation for what you think.

Quite frequently when someone accuses you of something (manipulation)....THEY are the ones doing it.

[Anywho112]

Without being there, it is hard to tell what is the real issue. I know that I can be very reactive and defensive especially if I feel that people are not really listening or considering my point of view. I grew up with a borderline personality disordered mother and am still decades later working through the damage it caused. I am learning that you cannot change others but just accept them for who they are. You can only change yourself. On another note, if your partner is calling you crazy or starting arguments that previously were not occurring suddenly and consistently, there may be using this to deflect attention from what is really going on. This does happen sometimes when they are cheating. The only way to get to what is going on is to sit down and have a direct and honest conversation. Try to use the "when you do X, I feel Y" format to avoid placing blame.

[Fuzzybear]

[fReAkYmOnKeY]

Originally Posted by JessUpsAndDowns

So it seems lately that every time I try to defend/explain /stick up for myself and get a little loud people say I'm just being crazy. In my mind I'm just trying to get others to understand where I'm coming from or how I'm feeling and I talk loudly or yell because I feel like I'm not being heard. And this turns into frustration which in turn becomes an argument. And here lately that turns into me having hurt feelings and being angry. I've begun to emotionally dissolve and act irrationally because I feel helpless and misunderstood and begin to cry and fall into depression. I'm not exactly sure why I cannot handle these situations but they get thrown back into my face over and over that I went crazy again and acted stupid. I honestly feel like what I'm trying to argue is valid. That I'm not just trying to argue. I honestly hate arguing. This has been going on between my spouse and I for a couple weeks. Specifically in reference to two things. Her tone and attitude which come off as angry and sick of me and her continuing friendship and need to hang out with her ex girlfriend. She says I manipulate her all the time. However I've caught her manipulating and lying to me about aspects of their relationship and I honestly just don't believe anything that's said about it anymore. But if I express concerns or worries I'm just being irrational and I should trust her that they are just friends. I don't feel as if my feelings have been taken into consideration in this situation. My close friends feel like I should start the road to separation and divorce because she is not good for me. I don't know what to do.

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I'm not buying the ex girlfriend "just friends" either but I'm also not buying the "talk loudly to be heard" and "hate arguing" parts...
She would have no problem hanging out with both her besties (her girlfriend and YOU) if there's really nothing to worry about and talking loudly to be heard and flipping out and yelling stupid things when frustrated/upset are very different definitions and if you hate arguing, why keep arguing when it clearly is not working or doing any good?
My bpd girlfriend loved to argue and I would catch her smiling when she would see me get frustrated and "talk loudly". At first I thought what a childish beyatch but no way was she going to win by my losing my cool (cuz I'm cool,) so didn't say I saw her smiling, didn't react, I didn't fall for that again and I didn't keep pissing up a rope, meaning I don't keep doing what doesn't work and most of all I won't let her get under my skin or yell or react to deliberate childish bs games like that. It was (and sometimes still) a power struggle but my boundaries are firm and I will call her or anyone else out immediately when they are tested and I will do this without losing my cool (or leave before it get any further) and this includes lies, sarcasm, insults or attacks/questions to my character etc...
This can be exhausting with a bpd, especially MY bpd and I can only control me, not her, these are my boundaries, not hers and constantly testing boundaries and daily accusations no matter how well or nicely put are crossing my boundaries and I am not putting up with or signing up for this kind of life with her. So here I am. I trusted her until I found out the extent of the mean, crazy, weird things she was doing. She makes no apologies, owns nothing, has no remorse and does all the things she is so afraid of being done to her, the exact opposite of what she should be doing. Now I know what bpd is and I tried to help her, tried to draw lines a and maintain boundaries but now i also know I can only help myself and she is not going to change (for the better) so I'm out...
I see echos of these kind of things in your short post and I am sure you can see where I'm going with this. i have nothing to gain here and im not selling you anything so i hope you can finish the last sentence for yourself...

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by fReAkYmOnKeY

I'm not buying the ex girlfriend "just friends" either but I'm also not buying the "talk loudly to be heard" and "hate arguing" parts...
She would have no problem hanging out with both her besties (her girlfriend and YOU) if there's really nothing to worry about and talking loudly to be heard and flipping out and yelling stupid things when frustrated/upset are very different definitions and if you hate arguing, why keep arguing when it clearly is not working or doing any good?
My bpd girlfriend loved to argue and I would catch her smiling when she would see me get frustrated and "talk loudly". At first I thought what a childish beyatch but no way was she going to win by my losing my cool (cuz I'm cool,) so didn't say I saw her smiling, didn't react, I didn't fall for that again and I didn't keep pissing up a rope, meaning I don't keep doing what doesn't work and most of all I won't let her get under my skin or yell or react to deliberate childish bs games like that. It was (and sometimes still) a power struggle but my boundaries are firm and I will call her or anyone else out immediately when they are tested and I will do this without losing my cool (or leave before it get any further) and this includes lies, sarcasm, insults or attacks/questions to my character etc...
This can be exhausting with a bpd, especially MY bpd and I can only control me, not her, these are my boundaries, not hers and constantly testing boundaries and daily accusations no matter how well or nicely put are crossing my boundaries and I am not putting up with or signing up for this kind of life with her. So here I am. I trusted her until I found out the extent of the mean, crazy, weird things she was doing. She makes no apologies, owns nothing, has no remorse and does all the things she is so afraid of being done to her, the exact opposite of what she should be doing. Now I know what bpd is and I tried to help her, tried to draw lines a and maintain boundaries but now i also know I can only help myself and she is not going to change (for the better) so I'm out...
I see echos of these kind of things in your short post and I am sure you can see where I'm going with this. i have nothing to gain here and im not selling you anything so i hope you can finish the last sentence for yourself...

Was your girlfriend ever in DBT or any kind of treatment? Sounds like she's got little self awareness.