[transientsoul]

*waving* Haven't been to this place in a long while. 2016 has been a pretty good year for me.

Today, on the new job I have, the CEO called my supervisor and told her that by and by he learned that in my orientation when I met with the payroll lady, there was a "scene" where I was "highly emotional" and "combative".

Now, I'm a writer. Succinctness is important to me. Confrontational for instance, is definitely not the same as combative. My supervisor tried to say that the adjectives weren't important. Well, yes they are - to me they are.

Anyway, I immediately knew the "scene" in question and saw myself seated there saying something about how you didn't have to enroll in healthcare, you could get exemptions from paying the Obama fee, etc.

So if I instantly knew what the "scene" in question was, then I must on some level know that I was "inappropriate" and confrontational if not combative, right? If that's true, I damn sure wish I'd learn to see it at that point and just shut my mouth. This is not the 1st time this has happened that others see or interpret my words or behavior as negative, overwrought, confrontational etc., when in my mind, it's like hey all I was doing was voicing my opinion or stating a counterpoint to your point.

*sigh* It's frustrating, and worst of all, the weirdness of it makes total sense to me because I basically don't have and never have had self perception. I don't know how I look to others, and really, half the time I feel like I don't even know who I am. I am sitting here tonight at work feeling lonely and misunderstood, taking it too personally, and thinking unwell thoughts. The dangerous crossover season into darkness (SAD) is approaching here in NE Ohio, so it's not a wise time to open the door on depression.

Just wondering if anyone here experiences that "Inside me I see" vs. "WTF are they seeing" syndrome. Of course if y'all are BPD, I'm sure you have. Are there ways to overcome this short of taping your mouth shut or up front stating that you have a mental illness that may make you seem just a bit intense?

** Incidentally, I found this in an article tonight. Describes perfectly and almost to the word what I said to a friend when I got this new job:

Patients describe a painful sense of incoherence
and inauthenticity; they feel as if they were only pretending
to be what they are, as if they cheated others into
believing them.

[leomama]

I loved your post. I'll respond more later.

[transientsoul]

Originally Posted by leomama

I loved your post. I'll respond more later.

I'll look forward to it.

As you can understand, it's nice if nothing else to be able to have a place here to vent with folks who've "been there done that".

[leomama]

Oh yes, I'll respond on my laptop, with my own story.

[leomama]

Ok on my laptop.

I've been giving a lot of thought to what I want to say as I have a fan club on psych central and I don't want to out myself.

Lets just say pretty much from when I was a teenager until things blew up after my divorce I had "trouble on the job" off and on, however I never was fired, or suspended or given a written warning or anything like that. Just talked to, more like a parent talks to a child.

I think in my case I was forced to be independent too young so I was put into positions of responsibility that were over my head, but I did it anyways.

My last job however did "blow up", after my 2 week trial it became apparent it was not a good fit after I chased a customer out of the room for refusing to listen to her child (I was working in child care). I was told I was overqualified for the job (I was, I was credentialed to teach preschool and it was a babysitting job at a gym) and why don't I try working as a lifeguard instead?

I never went back as I could not get childcare myself so I could attend the lifeguard training.

Recently a friend of mine told me they were hiring again and I've been thinking about it, but first I have to finish my paintings.

I hope that was useful, or relevant.

[TishaBuv]

Since you feel like you were only voicing your opinion, maybe indeed you just were, and the payroll person overreacted and described you as confrontational and combative. It's not you, it's them.

Furthermore, the CEO knows they have a damn good writer on staff and will probably just drop it.

What did you do wrong and why should you get in trouble for it?

Yes, I have had people react weirdly to me and say things to me that shows me they had totally misread me. I believe it's their problem! I don't get that all the time, mostly people are not put off by me and I am very polite, but assertive. But sometimes, yes, people react weirdly, misunderstanding.

[Icare dixit]

Are there any particular persons that make you confrontational or combative, maybe recalcitrant? Or certain types of issues you talk about?

The adjective thing sounds a bit like your just being deliberately contrarian and maybe confrontational. It could very well be that you honestly want to know which it is so you could change your behaviour, but I can see how that's not how it is perceived.

I'd say: choose your battles and try to distance yourself from your emotions. If it's work-related and everyone has a strong opinion about something, it's fine to argue. Otherwise, think twice about disagreeing: just leave it.

I really "like" your quote. It's hard not knowing yourself other than based on how others see you. They don't know you either, but al least they know someone.

Just try to behave like they want you to. Everyone pretends. Just don't believe it's you or you'll be disappointed.

[transientsoul]

Yeah, just got that parent-talking-to-a-child thing on the job today.

I just feel disappointed in myself, like I am getting in trouble when I'm not doing anything egregiously wrong. But that's the problem I guess. I am a person with dynamic lines, if any lines at all... operating in a structured environment. *sigh* Guess I'll dust off the resume...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by transientsoul

Yeah, just got that parent-talking-to-a-child thing on the job today.

I just feel disappointed in myself, like I am getting in trouble when I'm not doing anything egregiously wrong. But that's the problem I guess. I am a person with dynamic lines, if any lines at all... operating in a structured environment. *sigh* Guess I'll dust off the resume...

That's rough. Currently I am working as a self employed artist and if I want to get rehabilitated to reenter the job market I have help available so I won't have to go back into the work force cold. I get in trouble in social settings for opening my mouth, which I'm writing about on other threads elsewhere. I'll have an earful for my therapist tomorrow, that's for sure. I know what she'll say to me too, turn it back around on the other person.

[BipolarMama31]

Im newly diagnosed and just reading this gave me memories of times where i can totally relate in my last job.

I had a "talking to" because apparently my tone was not the right way to talk to your boss.
I honestly thought (still think?) He was wrong and i was right. But that overreaction to something minor has affected me.

So no advice, sorry, but i can relate.