[Pastel Kitten]

Overtime I've noticed I've become pretty afraid of confronting others about things that are bothering me that may have to do with them. A few years ago as a teen I was a bit better at it but I've grown to be downright scared of people. A friend yesterday got upset with me because she found out from a mutual friend that I had been hiding some of the things that had been hurting me (about her) from a while ago. I remained pretty passive during the conversation for fear of her getting angry at me. It was going alright but near the end she accused me of something pretty unfair and I expressed a little more frustration in my typing manner (nothing insulting or rude), which led her to end the conversation right then and there, apologizing. I apologized more...because I felt like I had done something terrible and shouldn't have "lost my cool." Despite her saying it's fine, I can't stop thinking about it and wondering if she's saying mean things about me behind my back to other people who know me. She's a bit of an intimidating person...and it's typically the intimidating types of people who I have a hard time being honest about my feelings with, because I'm very very scared of their reaction.

I don't have this problem with people REALLY close to me, but that number is small, so that leaves me fearing confronting most other people.

[xRavenx]

Wow, I can relate, and I'm sorry about what you are going through. You have the right to feel the way you do....even if you feel bad for "losing your cool." We all lose our cool sometimes, but in this case, many people would lose their cool if they were accused of something to some degree. Do you feel that you over-apologized? Sometimes I have a tendency to do this to not make waves, and as soon as I speak my mind to people who can be abrasive or even prone to aggression, I feel bad and worry about them abandoning me or saying negative things about me.

Please remember that in this situation, there is a need for her to take responsibility for her own actions. She should not have accused you of something unfair. If you feel it is something you can both let go and work through, that would help preserve the friendship. There is nothing wrong with confronting someone in an assertive way. In fact, it's healthy. That's different then continuously being aggressive and confrontational....which you are not, from what you are describing. Quite the opposite. If you're in therapy, maybe assertiveness is something you can work on?

[leomama]

Do you think this friend has your best interests at heart?

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Wow, I can relate, and I'm sorry about what you are going through. You have the right to feel the way you do....even if you feel bad for "losing your cool." We all lose our cool sometimes, but in this case, many people would lose their cool if they were accused of something to some degree. Do you feel that you over-apologized? Sometimes I have a tendency to do this to not make waves, and as soon as I speak my mind to people who can be abrasive or even prone to aggression, I feel bad and worry about them abandoning me or saying negative things about me.

Please remember that in this situation, there is a need for her to take responsibility for her own actions. She should not have accused you of something unfair. If you feel it is something you can both let go and work through, that would help preserve the friendship. There is nothing wrong with confronting someone in an assertive way. In fact, it's healthy. That's different then continuously being aggressive and confrontational....which you are not, from what you are describing. Quite the opposite. If you're in therapy, maybe assertiveness is something you can work on?

Yes, I definitely feel I over apologized, and even put myself down a little by calling myself dumb. It's a defense mechanism I've adopted over the years, I guess...and I know it solves nothing and makes me feel worse. It probably bothers the other person too.

Yes, I have to remind myself of that...and I believe she is actually the one who is often aggressive and confrontational I know that she cares but her demeanor is so intimidating. As a teen I was more assertive but in an unhealthy way, because I'd lose my temper frequently when feeling threatened. I've fallen into the opposite extreme. I'm seeing a therapist and you're right, I should tell her that I have problems with being too passive. I think she already knows this, to a degree, since she told me my concern for other people gets in the way of my own needs. I have had plenty of times I felt that this friendship wouldn't work out but for her sake I never walked away. I'm worried about her and want to support her with her own issues, but I'm scared of her and am constantly worried about her betraying me/forgetting about me. I want to preserve our friendship but I don't think we can be close.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Pastel Kitten,

If you're bothered about the whole "confrontation" bit of telling people when they do/say something that bothers you, I'm just wondering if..........maybe..........you could take the whole "confrontation" aspect out of the equation at times???
For example, kicking off by saying something like "I'm a little confused about why you did/said...........maybe there was a reason behind it...........but it just hurt and confused me if you could fill in some gaps for me??"..........could be that they hadn't realised the effects, they had something hard going on for them at the time or they just made a mistake..........might not excuse what they did but it could open the doors for moving on more positively??
Or maybe acknowledge with them something they've done/said and let them know "it triggered something in you" and if maybe the next time "if they wouldn't mind" doing/saying...........insert an alternative..........that way it may be seen more as constructive "critisism" instead of an "accusation"...........and a bit more of a discrete approach??
Or maybe in conversation refer to a similar thing someone else has done and push your views forward on how hurtful that may have been.............and perhaps they may more vividly see the negative feelings something like that may have on you..........maybe enlighten them or trigger their concience??
Or if there's a regular thing they are doing and you don't want to/can't bring it up...........maybe seize on a time when they haven't done it and positively reinforce that e.g. "You know it's been so nice that you haven't..........lately, I really appreciate it"??
Or other times you might not even have to acknowledge what they've done, maybe you could instead tell them what you want from them e.g. "Could you help me out a little and.........if you wouldn't mind I just need someone to simply listen while I talk about..........", and afterwards express your appreciation...........maybe then they'll get the message that really matters to you............??
Then sometimes it can be around really focusing on bringing something up and planning a "good" time and place to do that...............
Because your feelings should matter and should matter to them
Just some thoughts..........

As for the conversation...........the unfair accusation..........I'm sorry you had to have that thrown at you, a lot of people might be hurt by something like that
You did do very well not being rude or insulting though...........so nothing to apologise for, right??!! It's understandable you'd be frustrated or hurt

So..........hoping you can resolve things mutually with the friend if you want to, or if you don't then resolve your feelings about her and move on

Alison