Slowly finding my sense of identity

I've always struggled with an unstable sense of self. I've always had a small sense of some of the things I like and views but would quickly abandon them and/or try to replace them to match the people I admired or was around at that moment in time. I'm a lot more aware of it in present day, and therefore try not mimicking other people. Instead, I've tried to hone in on the few things about myself that I do know are truly me and go with it.

For me lately, I've set my mind to indulging in and embracing my fashion style. Ever since I was a child I was drawn to cute pastel colors, but steered away from them progressively more and more to fit in with my group of guy friends. In school, I dressed very plainly as to not draw attention to myself, since I'd be seen as "one of the weird kids." My mother picked out most of my clothes for me ever since childhood so I had absolutely no sense of what I really liked, considering her taste in fashion is polar opposite of mine. She isn't drawn to childish things. After high school, I went through a phase in which I thought that in order for people to like me I needed to dress very mature and classy, despite disliking that type of fashion. Again, everything I did was based off of either people I was with or a desperation to get people to like me.

For the past year, I slowly began to indulge in my true clothing preferences (thanks to my ex boyfriend especially) and collected more and more cute clothes that I actually do find cute, and don't pretend to. Now I fully indulge in my love for pastel colors and am slowly building up my wardrobe to match my tastes. I'm into a fashion style known as "fairy kei" which consists of everything cutesy and pastel, and includes a lot of accessories. Naturally I'd shy away from wearing these things in public for fear of being stared at, but I've been trying to overcome that and do what makes me happy - and dressing this way makes me REALLY happy. I've even been making my own bracelets and other accessories!

I just wanted to post this to hopefully bring some hope and motivation for those of you who also struggle with an unstable identity. I had become so depressed about it. If you can see small bits of your interests/views/etc poking out, hold onto them. Indulge in them. Don't let go of them like I did for so long

Totally relate. I'm going through a tough girl phase. Black high top chucks, band t's, ripped jeans...only is it really me...I'm not sure any more. I might be changeing again. It's so frustrating. How do people just know who they are? I'm old enough to know and I do know but I like to change. Maybe that's it.

Yes, exactly. I'm always so genuinely shocked when I hear people say "I've been into ___ for so many years" and actually engage in their hobbies or interests on a very consistent basis. I mean yeah, I'ved loved art for years...since childhood actually...but for the past 8 years I have not completed more than an occasional drawing. I know other artists and they work so consistently. My boyfriend knows for a fact he loves history and has gone to other countries to pursue his interests and I spend so much time wondering what I truly like or dislike

I am happy for you

Omg I 100000% relate. Fairy kei was probably one of the first things that gave me a really deeper sense of feeling like I knew what I liked. I like lolita and stuff but fairy kei always stuck with me much much more. All the styles and soft colors are so comforting. I love it so much. However I've been too afraid of rejection to actually get involved in it socially or even just socially online. I only express it sometimes (like how I did my profile). Not very much yet in what I wear. I've tried but...too many anxieties. So I mostly compromised and went for more of a toned down soft, light style in more natural colors that incorporates some of the same feelings for me.

@Pastel Kitten though I actually saw a post from you in a different board yesterday and it was like I love this person's taste! No wonder!

Anyway yesss I think it gives me an outlet for the childlike parts of me who have never been given a voice. It feels very comforting. So, just wanted to say that and give my support.

Yeah! Lolita is nice but as you said, I prefer fairy kei. I definitely think it has more potential for being a bit more casual in appearance compared to lolita as well, since I get where you're coming from with being anxious to wear it in front of others. As I wrote before, I'm still working towards overcoming my anxiety over it as well. The beauty of it is that you can wear it as toned down or over the top as you please on any given day! Your happiness and comfort is what matters. I'm glad to have found another fairy kei lover here! haha

I just Googled it and it looks very pretty! I'm too old and big for that kind of wear but I'm glad you enjoy it.