My therapist is sure I don't have BPD, but I think I do

Hello there. I'm hoping to share concerns about myself and hopefully get some feedback from people dealing with BPD themselves.

My psychologist is not qualified to diagnose me but she is very convinced that I don't have a personality disorder. I have however been diagnosed as bipolar II by a psychiatrist but she mentioned nothing of borderling. I can see how there might be overlaps in symptoms particularly alternating between feelings of good and bad throughout the day, risk taking, suicidal thoughts and irritability.

So a bit about myself. I'm 34 and female. My sister was diagnosed as borderline. She was an extreme example - volatile, violent, frequent tantrums, suicide attempts, heroin addiction. I could say something completely innocent that would trigger her into being my worst nightmare who would accuse me and everyone of hating her. I quickly learned to only talk very superficially to her for fear of an outburst. As I said, she's an extreme example. I also have a friend who is diagnosed as borderline and she's lovely, very personable, very healthy in many ways. I think her family and partners suffer the brunt of it, but I think she does a lot to help minimise her symptoms.

Though she would never admit it, my father and I suspect my mother is also borderline. She would tell me that she would kill herself because she thought I didn't love her. That became a self-fulfilling prophecy! She's high functioning though and a very hard-working nurse.

As for me, I don't know if I have BPD. Maybe some of my behaviour is learned from them?

• I have a severe distrust for most people.
• I have close friends but I alternate between loving them and hating them, I sometimes pick a fight with them which leads to shame. I have ended a lot of friendships, sometimes for reasons such as not responding to a text message.
• I find it easier to not be in romantic relationships because when I'm in them I become crazy jealous and I'm always looking for signs that the guy doesn't like me.
• My only long-term partner said I was like a child with how I reacted to the most trivial upsets. When we broke up I wanted to die. I used to fantasise about suicide and thought of it as a way to punish people for neglecting me. I still sometimes do sometimes when I'm having a low.
• I can also be reckless with my anger, at times picking a fight with strangers if they disrespect me even though they could do me serious harm if they want.
•I can be happy to be on my own most of the time but I dread weekends as I hate the feeling of knowing that I haven't been invited out, or I choose to spend my time alone because I don't contact anyone for fear of rejection which could lead me to terminate another friendship.

That's the extreme stuff and I don't know if it's bipolar or BPD causing it, or both. I do often pass as "normal" because I have a good career as a web designer even though I hide my struggles, I'm magically able to maintain friendships although I think my friends do the hard work by reeling me in when I push them away. I practice a lot of self-care by taking action whenever possible such as receiving professional care, eating the right foods, exercising, spending time alone when I know I need it. I'm also very good at hiding my emotions thanks to my sister and mothers tempers.

I would love to hear people stories to see if I can relate. I know you're not all doctors but it would be great to hear your opinions on my situation. It's hard to find people willing to talk about it because of the stigma I suspect. I think the title "Borderline personality disorder" is a little offensive to be honest, I mean, can't they come up with a technical name like other illnesses? Even "depression" is depressing!

Thanks in advance

Hello monipom: Well... as you mentioned most of us here are not doctors. And even those who are cannot diagnose you here on PC. I've never received a diagnosis from any of the mental health professionals I've seen over the years. I once read the book Lost in the Mirror which is about BPD. Based on what I read there, I thought it possible I could have been diagnosed as having BPD when I was young... not anymore. (I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages.)

From what you wrote about yourself, it does sound to me as though you have a number of the characteristics that I usually associate with BPD. They're some of the same one's that made me think there was a time I could possibly have been diagnosed with it. But, of course, mental health diagnosis is a job for professionals. So the reality is I don't really know. Perhaps some other members, here on PC. will have some perspective to offer.

Thank you. I guess I should try and get a 2nd opinion. I think there's a lot of overlaps wit bipolar so I imagine it would be hard to give a quick diagnosis.

The mood shifts of someone with Bipolar disorder usually happens over longer periods of time, not consistently throughout the day.

As for being borderline, we can't diagnose you here, but from what you describe it may not he a sure thing either. The emotional instability you describe is a trait of the disorder, but it could also be something else. Lots of disorders have similar presentations which is why an experienced therapist would rule out a few disorders before coming to any conclusion. Of course a licensed therapist or psychiatrist would know best, but be aware different clinicians often come to different conclusions based on their training and experience. So if you're thinking either one of these diagnoses, I would look for a therapist who has significant expertise in one or the other.

Do you feel your emotions change suddenly, like if someone says something that offends you?

The bottom line is the diagnosis doesn't matter, the treatment is all the same. I'm reading Feeling Good by David Burns about CBT and have Borderline traits.

When i was 18 I told my psychiatrist that I thought I was borderline and bipolar. He did not want to say that for sure, I guess because of the stigma and my age. He told me I had tendencies. He said borderline does not have to be a lifelong diagnosis anymore. Thwt with the right help, thr symptoms can lesson, until you don't fit the criteria anymore.

Fastforward 10 years: when i was diagnosed I was confused. I told the psychologist that so many people.say that borderlines like causing trouble and don't have empqthy. I told her I really care about people and am extremely empathetic, almost to a fault. She told me that the world has a big stigma on borderline because they don't understand it. That a lot of borderlines are only trying to cope the best they know how. That they're trying not to be hurt. There are 9 qualifications for borderline, you only have to have 5 for a diagnosis. Not everyone has the same symptoms.

For me:

I want so badly to feel loved and cared for, and someone could tell me they love me, but they could do something or say something or even not do something right after that and I would feel like they hate me. People have to prove to me that they care.

When I feel like people don't care, I shut myself off from them so that I don't get as hurt.

My mind convinces me that everyone hates me, and I really do believe it.

I get easily hurt when people that I care about don't want to do something with me (consistqntly). I see this as abandonment, so I withdraw from them before they leave me.

I constantly bash myself mentally and this has turned into self-hatred.

I often feel the need to punish myself for my borderline traits because I hate them so much. I feel unlovable because of it.

I self harm through cutting or anorexia.

When I act out in my eating disorder, part of me thinks that people will have to care once they see what is going on. That I'll show them.

I dont think people can typically tell that I'm borderline because I'm introverted and more quiet about my thoughts with others.

When I feel abandoned I automatically go to self harm abd SI.

When i first meet people, I idealize them. And once I get to know them, I shut myself off from them.

I'm alone a lot because i don't want to be hurt, but when I'm alone is when I feel the most empty.

Living with borderline is extremely painful and frustrating. Your mind is so good at convincing you that others hate you so that you know not to let anyone in. The problem is that it's most likely not true, but it feels like it.

A diagnosis only give you an understanding of why, but it doesn't fix it. DBT and therapy,some medication treat it. My bipolar medication (lamictal and lithium) apparently help with the mood swings for borderline as well. Some treatments overlap each other. Sometimes professionals don't want to diagnose BPD right away b.c. of the stigma attached to it. They want to be certain before putting that on you. And then others just don't like labeling people. They say diagnoses are for insurance billing and that's it.

Hope this helps.

I once asked my psychiatrist if I possibly could be BPD after researching it and finding that it fit my personality. She asked me why would it matter to me if she were to diagnose me with it, because there is no cure for it rather they just treat the symptoms, the only thing that would change is the therapy and then she asked me why I thought I had it. The whole time she never affirmed the diagnosis, later after meeting with my therapist he told me she indeed diagnosed it. But it is true, why I do I need to label is with a diagnosis, it changes nothing. In fact I could see how it could lead to a feeling of helplessness, I would blame everything on some disorder and a disorder that does not have a cure. I have read that often the doctors do not tell BPD patients their diagnosis, is that wrong? It depends I am not doctor or lawyer or anything like that, but the diagnosis is really for the doctors themselves and the insurance companies in most cases. Knowing I have a personality order may make ME more likely to become a hermit and never try living life with the assumption that I am so flawed that I am better not trying. I need no label, because I know that while some things are out of my control, I can still change by being mindful of my thoughts and how they affect my moods. And even when I have bad thoughts I don't associate with them with ME and know that I have control over whether or not I act on them.

I am currently waiting to see a psychologist after doing my own research on my emotional issues and I think in my case I do feel I need that label, in my mind I feel like if I can tell the people who have had to deal with me that there is a scientific reason, that Im not just a big ball if crazy it will help them understand me better. My ex thinks my intense emotions are just a fascade, that I like having pity parties and it adds even more layers of hurt that he thinks this of me. For therapy the label makes no difference. I am sure I will get the same help regardless of my labelled condition but I feel it might help others understand me better and cut me some slack, maybe even not take it so personally when I do fall into emotional distress and get so helpless I try anything to get the love and attention I need cos if I dont get it I honestly feel like I non longer want to be in this world. It has been a great relief to know that I am not alone in my personal hell and that there is hope to get better now that I see it so much more clearly

There is a problem with people knowing if you have BPD. It is extremely misunderstood. Having this label on you makes it easier for others to judge you. I have looked at people's comments on websites that explain about BPD, and every person was on there bashing those of us that have it. Unfortunately, people do not understand it, and think that everyone with BPD has no empathy ans just wants to wreck havoc. All of these are very ignorant opinions. I remember reading that and thinking, but I care more about others than myself. I am VERY empathetic. I often feel other people's emotions and shift my perspective to better understand others viewpoints. If you do get that diagnosis, just be very careful about who you tell. Make sure they are trustworthy and that they get some education about it.

I get where you're coming from--I'm 36, Bipolar I and PTSD. My NP flat-out told me she doesn't think I have BPD despite me meeting all the DSM-5 criteria for it, when only meeting FIVE is enough for a positive diagnosis. I've lost faith and trust in her as a result. And I'm now slipping with regard to my counselor, who agreed that I may "possibly" have BPD, but who I now suspect was just agreeing to keep me from getting upset or stubborn.

My family on both sides has tended toward Depression and Bipolar. And that's just my parents! My father, I'm certain, is Bipolar (undiagnosed) and now that I've done research on BPD, I'm pretty certain he's got that, too. With the exception, as far as I know, of threatening to suicide if someone left him. He left his first wife. His second wife, my mom, left him one afternoon, taking all she could carry, including me. And he's still with his third wife after nearly thirty years. He's a charming, likable, manipulative, cruel, funny, angry, easy-to-forgive-but-tough-to-trust a-hole. And I'm exactly like him. In personality and looks (sadly).

At this point, I'm considering finding an actual psychiatrist for diagnosis, since I apparently can't trust my NP and counselor to be objective or honest. Maybe you need a psychiatrist, too. And a new psychologist. I don't know. If you trust this one, to a certain extent, you may want to keep them. But if they're not taking your feelings and self-knowledge seriously. . . .

I can't work with someone who discounts what I genuinely believe and can prove to be true about myself. Your mileage may vary.

Good luck.

Hi,

I once questioned if I had BPD but do not. I took the sanity score here and it said I had traits of BPD. But I have high functioning autism and learned some of the traits overlap. Anyway, just wanted to say a few of those traits sound like they could possibly be autism, but you'd likely have to have some other traits in addition to be diagnosed with autism. You may want to give this a read: The Borderline of Asperger?s: The similarities and differences between Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism - Aspertypical

What you believe may be wrong. If that happens a lot, you may actually have BPD. But being very certain and very wrong is something people with BP experience as well.

Self-assessment based on some book proves nothing. Nothing like it proves anything. A diagnosis isn't proof of anything other than proof of the judgement about your problems by someone who may actually know people with BPD professionally and may be better qualified to categorise people. That's what matters, not some book. At any rate, it doesn't matter much.

As long as you work the program. What do u care what the diagnosis is for you or anyone else. As long as you are in limbo you will be treated by most mental health professionals. Don't push this is my advice it is a horrible diagnosis and no one wants this. My experience is the minute I was dx the mental health care went downhill. The prognosis also went to the bottom rung.