[AmyWoods]

Over the last 2 years, I've developed a very dark mind. I've become a sadist; finding satisfaction from sick fantasies I’ve made for myself, but these thoughts don't happen out of my own will all the time. I have sudden shifts in my personality whenever I go to school, am seen in public or with friends. It’s like I establish a new, healthier(but temporary) mindset for myself. During this, I look back at the “dark side” of me and feel disgusted at my twisted thoughts, yet they keep lingering in my mind. Even with regrets generated at myself, I still have these dark thoughts. They just come to my head naturally and I can’t seem to make them stop. This get’s really annoying because I could be doing one of my daily activities, and I suddenly imagine myself stabbing the person in front of me and hearing screaming, which obviously interrupts what I was doing. It’s horrifying but I can’t help myself. I just keep these sick thoughts in my head, whether I want to or not. There was a similar moment when I was sitting in my desk doing my work along with my fellow colleagues, working independently, and as I was was focused, I suddenly closed my eyes and felt/pictured something coming out of my back and strangling everyone in the room in only a few seconds. I opened my eyes and nothing happened. It had just been my imagination. Even though in the end, no harm is done to anyone around me, I’m afraid this might have some lasting effect on me. It’s really worrisome.

When I leave the locations where my personality is more stable, my more sadistic side slowly starts merging with my normal self, and it views my “good side” as overly kind, helpless, and pitiful. It doesn’t cause any harm, but merely fantasizes on causing harm. That part of me is much more mean, less suppressed, and confident, but it likes being completely in control. Both of them are hypocritical to one another but somehow, I agree with both of them at the same time. These two personalities of mine are separate, but I’m still able to see what both of them do. It feels like they both live inside me at the same time, and they simply take turns managing my body. I suppose that would make a third personality; both of the other two merged into one. I don’t think I have dissociate identity disorder, because I don’t black out. To the contrary, I’m aware of what I do and think. I always try to exclude a side of myself, whichever one, but I’ve grown so used to this pattern that adapting only one side of me is difficult. As I said, each of them simply comes out naturally, though it usually depends on the location.

This all started over a year ago, where I went through a long period of depressive and anxious episodes in my life. I was failing at the only thing that gave my life purpose, and even thought about committing suicide, due to the overwhelming stress I was going through. I feel that I subconsciously created this “dark” side of me to contrast those emotions, and gather some sort of confidence for myself. It wasn’t a healthy source of confidence(obviously), but it seemed to do the trick. However, now that this other problem is arising from my previous “solution”, it seemed to have backfired. I’m not sure where my life is headed from here, how it will permanently impact me, and how it will affect those around me. I never fully recovered from my depression and anxiety, as I never seeked medical help. My mother and my family were the only ones aware of the problem, and did whatever they could to help me perform properly once again. In the end, it wasn’t them who picked me up, but me and this sick mindset of mine. It gave me a sort of feeling of superiority I never had, even if it only lived in my mind. Because my initial problem never fully solved itself, I continued to distance myself from everyone, even my family, who were those closest to me. My view on life remained very vague and empty. I didn’t have anyone to deeply talk to, or whom I even viewed as a friend. I didn’t feel any real care for any human. All the kindness I did show to everyone else with my “good side” felt(and still feels) forced. I just lived for the sake of living, and getting everything over with. With nothing to look forward to in the real world, I started to live in my mind, where my only sort of happiness, came from a dark place. So I suppose there’s where the second problem originated from. The person who acted in the outside world and the person that lived in my mind, were(and still are) completely different people.

I’m really worried now since, my dark and violent thoughts are taking effect on my personality, not just my “dark side”(as crazy as it sounds), but even my stable side. I feel now, I’m purposely trying to suppress myself in order to continue functioning properly, but as I mentioned earlier, those repressed emotions are manifesting themselves in my thoughts, and they disrupt me. I become more irritable and careless. I take advantage of the positions of power I am placed in to achieve my own selfish ends, no matter what is in the way. I trick others into doing what I want, either by indirectly threatening them, or promising something I never end up giving them. And I end up watching the misfortune they have, some of which I caused, with satisfaction. Conflicts occur around my, and I do nothing to stop them, I simply observe them out of curiosity and pleasure. Like I said, in the end, no one is physically harmed, and the people who do end up tangled in a problem, never realize me watching from afar, taking delight in their downfall. Nevertheless, these thoughts taking over my mind, and even my actions. Lucky for me, I’m still aware that what I’m currently doing is wrong, but I’m afraid I will get to the point where this is not the case. I don’t know what the next step of this twisted transformation is. I’m trying to stop it before things get worse that they currently are, for me and those close to me. Even if I no longer feel like I used to about the people around to me, what keeps me with them is the fear of being completely alone. Even if I already feel alienated from society because of my socially unacceptable thoughts, I know that the “good” side of me wants to keep my family there for reassurance. In the end, they are all I physically have, and I don’t want to lose that. What do you think I should do?

[Skeezyks]

Hello AmyWoods: Well... the short answer here, from my perspective, is... find a mental health therapist with whom you can, over a period of time, explore what you have experienced & how it has affected you. But in doing so realize that figuring all of this out will take time & effort. And not every therapist works well with every client. So after a while, if the first therapist you see doesn't seem to be a good match, keep looking.

In a perhaps strange way I have had something similar going on with me for many years. I'm an older person now... male. But all of my life, farther back than I can remember, there's been a part of my psyche that felt female. It's a very long & convoluted story & I'll spare you the details. But there came a point where I began to think of that female part of me as "my psychotic fraternal twin sister". She never developed physically. But she exists, along with my male self, within my psyche. Unfortunately over the years, her being trapped within my male body caused her to become psychotic. And so she has to be kept tightly locked away. Were she to ever escape her confinement there's no telling the damage she might do. I don't know what caused all of this to develop in me. As I mentioned previously it all goes back to before I have any memory. And at this late stage of my life it's too late to do anything about it. It all just is what it is. But I think it's a similar sort of thing to what you're experiencing I suspect... sort-of a dual, or perhaps split personality. I thought perhaps sharing my experience might at least help you to feel a bit less alone in this.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!