Struggling with bpd and marriage

So my husband and I have been together for six years. In the past, I was emotionally abusive and I got physical at one point, injuring his knee. He also has PTSD now, which is partially because of the abuse I put him through.

I've been going to therapy and DBT for almost two years now to work on this issue and grow as a person. I've put in the time to learn skills and how to control my moods and in my opinion, I'm doing a pretty damn good job. Before I would immediately jump to my own defense and use nasty words, but now I'm capable of not instantly assuming the worst and holding back on some pretty terrible things.

My issue is that things have shifted a little bit... because of his PTSD, he's incredibly triggered by the slightest bit of a mood shift in me. This is a terrible thing for me, because I can't even figure out my own emotions, so having someone else try to determine how I feel all of the time is extremely triggering. When I tell him this, he reminds me that my moods are a trigger and so I continue to let him question me even though I don't like it.

Sometimes I have to remain silent when he asks something, because I panic and I can't think of a response. He always gets upset when I'm silent and when he asks me why and I explain, he tells me it's 'not fair' to just be silent. I try to explain I have a RIGHT to be quiet when I can't talk and he says 'I have a right to think it's not fair.' (In the past when I've told him his feelings toward my actions weren't fair, I was told it wasn't okay to say that.)

Earlier I was being 'quiet' again and he got snappy. I wasn't actually being quiet, however, as I was chatting toward the cat because I was anxious about starting an argument. He came home extremely irritable and I know as soon as that happens that a fight is coming. I wanted desperately to avoid it... and of course when I told him that was why he informed me that 'wasn't fair' and if I wanted to avoid a fight to just 'talk to him.' I tried to explain it wasn't okay to say my feelings weren't fair again, and he told me he had a right to say it.

Things started to get heated and he told me I was acting "disgusting" and got up to leave, mumbling things about how terrible a person I am. I snapped after him and he came back into the room, telling me I wasn't allowed to invade his "safe space" (he had been walking into the bathroom, where he goes to 'hide' from me). I told him to get out of MY safe space (the bedroom) and he repeatedly refused to leave, screaming so loud that the cat went running.

He started telling me I was just like my mother and my brother (both of whom are my abusers) and also said I 'wasn't even human'. When I told him he was purposefully saying hurtful things, he was snapping back how I was doing the same (I did say mean things, but they were things such as 'You're not acting yourself' and 'YOU are the one yelling'! I accidentally triggered him about something as well that I didn't realize I was saying until it was too late, but I admit I didn't apologize for it at the time). Then he CONTINUED to compare me to those people and every time I told him it hurt, he did it again.

He then went and told our cats that they would be living alone soon, threatened to kick me out of 'his' apartment (we're married, mind you. I just happen to be a stay-at-home spouse, so at times like this everything is 'his' because he pays for it). I was hurt and I repeated to the cats that they and I would be living alone instead and he started screaming at me again, storming into the room. Again, I kept telling him to leave my safe space and he told me if I didn't like it, I could pack my bags and go live with my mother (again, my abuser).

I finally got him to leave and I just... I hurt so much. To me it seems like he gets heightened and defensive and snaps... but my issue is that after these things, we always sit down and talk about how I reacted badly and how I can improve it. He refuses to address or admit his own abusive behaviors, only occasionally saying that he 'can't help it' because it's a ptsd trigger. I really don't want to be insensitive to his triggers but I feel like at times, he's been incredibly insensitive to mine and it's not okay, in my opinion.

I'm tired of being blamed whenever he reacts badly and it makes me react badly. It's then 'all on me' because I reacted to him being a jerk. And at one point last week I managed to go pretty much the entire argument not speaking a single word to him while he yelled at me... and I was still in the wrong for the few things I did say and when I tried to congratulate myself for not saying a lot he acted like it wasn't a big deal.

I feel undermined and cut down. Every time we argue he brings up me being abusive in the past, claims if I wont talk to him during one fight we'll get divorced and never work out, and reminds me that all of his family knows how terrible I am and that he was a good person before he met me and I ruined him. He doesn't think about how these words effect me. I know they're true, but he uses them as a weapon and it makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I don't really know where else to put this and so I ranted here. Sorry if it's not an okay place to talk, I just... really want some validation, I guess, that it's not okay for him to act that way either. Sorry...

Your husband shouldn't use you as a verbal punching bag. Yeah, you did some bad things in the past but there's no excuse to use them in the present. He needs to get his own counseling or both of you get marriage counseling.

Wow. I feel like I can relate to this a lot. Ive been having serious marital problems as well, although Ive only been married for a little less than 2 years. Our relationship is completely dysfunctional. I feel like most of the time I get the blame for problems that we have. Ive sought therapy but we cant afford it anymore. I feel like I have ruined my husband as well and it makes me feel worse than Ive ever felt before.

I never thought I would ever get married so when I dis it was always hard for me to believe it was real. Ive never been able to trust him. Marriage is probably the hardest thing Ive ever done. I dont think we're going to make it though. At this point, I think too much damage has been done. I'm not dealing with this realization well at all.

So I am sorry for what you are going through, I feel like I have an idea, even though I havent been married that long. I want to end it before it gets any worse.

I never been more depressed in my life about this. I gave up everything to be with my husband (my job, my apartment and moved out of state). I dont see any kind of future for me. I have no career and not much social support. My family is somewhat supportive but they are very dysfunctional too and I need to keep my distance from them. Its all my fault. I regret getting married. I thought we had found each other for a reason but now all of that just seems like idealistic, romantic nonsense.

Have you guys ever separated? With his condition and yours, it seems like it would be beneficial to live separately while you both get help for your issues. I think when you are living together and it has become emotionally abusive and it has gone on for awhile, that cycle is very hard to break when you are living together. I feel for the both of you. It sounds like you both need space and time to heal. Just my opinion.

Oh i forgot to add that i can also relate to the "going silent" thing a lot. My husband complains that i do that and sometimes i am not even aware. I feel i really try to be aware and communicate the best i can, but ive let my anger issues get the best of me. I try to listen and be understanding but sometimes i feel like i cant do anything right because there always is some kind of issue that comes up and i have to take responsibility for it. And ive gotten sick of doing that because i dont think its always me that is the problem, but i question that and i dont know what the reality of the situation is because i am in it.

Its so hard. Even when you try to do the right thing by going to therapy and working on communication, working on building trust. I struggle with frequent suicidal ideation and i had an attempt last year. Im sure my suicidal tendencies are one of the main contributing factors to the dysfunction and how we got to the place we are in now. I am afraid of doing more damage and i dont want to be responsible for causing anymore hurt, i just feel so worthless. I am also afraid for my husbands physical health because of all of the stress. I think it has taken a toll on him already. Sorry that I am talking so much about my own situation. Just know that I can relate and I am validating how you feel.