[Blaire]

I’m adjusting to losing my therapist, and I realized that I’ve had large parts of my identity wrapped around what I thought he liked. I presented myself the way I thought he would find intriguing, even when I wasn’t around him and had no expectation of seeing him. All the time, I thought about how I would appear to him. It wasn’t strictly about being like him, it was strategic opposites too, things I hoped he would see as wrong that needed fixing.

This morning, I stared into my closet and realized I don’t know what kind of clothes I like. Shoes in particular, I bought them because I thought he would like them. My clothes don’t feel like they are mine. There are so many things I chose based on his preferences: journals, planners, glasses, handbags, water bottles, nail polish, jewelry, pens. In a way I feel free now, I can choose what I like, but I don’t know what I like. I’m not just losing him, I’m losing me.

I wonder what the next person will be like and whether I will grow attached to them. I wonder what kind of shoes they like. But what kind of shoes do I like? Me, actual me. Can my next journal have flowers on it? Would that be okay? Can I scratch the idea of getting a tattoo like his wife’s?

I feel lost at sea. I don’t know who I am without an anchor.

It has always been this way. One person after another.

[elevatedsoul]

i know what you mean...

[Ofeelia]

Use this opportunity to find yourself. Maybe you had to have this change in order to find out who you really are without the idea of pleasing others. Try it. Dare. We all have an essence to us. A personality. You will find it. Try not to look to others to define you. I am in the process of doing this myself. I have a new phone. No one contacts me. I wear what i feel compliments my body. Im exploring music. I dont look at other women on line. I dont allow myself to be influenced or distracted by images in the media. Its like a certain silence within yourself. It may be weird, but its refreshing. Theres only one You. Just be it and go through the process. Good luck.

[Fuzzybear]

[NeedHaldol]

You shouldn't think about being defined by your style and/or possessions, but by your true self. You won't find that in a store.

You need to search within yourself and find "you". I didn't find the real me until I got well. It was pretty much the complete opposite

[TishaBuv]

It makes me anxious when I go shopping to see very different looks from the clothing designers. There's one look my husband doesn't like and calls "kooky art teacher", so I don't buy that look. But, of course, I am always attracted to that.

Clothes just cover out body parts, but they are so much more. They make a statement to others about us. So I buy clothes that my h would like to see me wear and that tell others the impression I want them to have of me.

I'd really like to dress from the early 1900's all lacy with granny boots, but they'd think I'm weird.

[Blaire]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

It makes me anxious when I go shopping to see very different looks from the clothing designers. There's one look my husband doesn't like and calls "kooky art teacher", so I don't buy that look. But, of course, I am always attracted to that.

Clothes just cover out body parts, but they are so much more. They make a statement to others about us. So I buy clothes that my h would like to see me wear and that tell others the impression I want them to have of me.

I'd really like to dress from the early 1900's all lacy with granny boots, but they'd think I'm weird.

I totally know what you mean. The funny thing is that I think the coolest people are the ones who totally rock a unique style. But I'm too scared to do it myself. Maybe because I don't know what my style would be.

[Ms.Lizette]

I don't need glasses, but once I bought some without prescription just to change myself, because I was getting so tired of myself, and "feeling stuck". The effect was strong.
It was almost scary- I started questioning everything about myself...maybe I could completely change everything I am? Like, even my mind, my morals, my interests and friends? I was excited!

It started to get scary for me, but in a way enjoyable. I felt everything was possible.

In many ways this unstable identity is a core issue of BPD- but also a tool to change certain negative behaviors, since in many ways we are far more flexible than most healthy people, and in that regard, it is easier for us to change.

The issue is sticking to the positive desirable changes.
We are so flexible and changeable, in that way we are amazing. At the same time we can't control it- we need to change depending on outside factors, so the result is extreme instability.

I think people who recover from BPD use this flexibility and changing potential to re-shape themselves. What I don't know is how they stick to it.

[MissCathryn]

You're not alone! I couldn't tell you what I like, prefer, etc. I have no.idea. for a while I'll like something, then I think it's ridiculous and move on to something else. It's so hard finding the real you and what the real you likes. This whole damn disease is a living hell