I'm in denial about having BPD...

Hi there

I was diagnosed with BPD last week. My BF is taking this better than me I think, although I should probably not be surprised after all the self harm, suicide attempts, mood swings and extreme behavior I have had.

I read about BPD before and always convinced myself that "it didn't quite fit me" I always thought I was just depressed...stressed.....anxious.....lost.....just lost.....

And I am LOST, I feel very lost indeed. I don't know what I should do with this BPD thing.

I am a very "calm"person according to those who don't really know me (those who don't see me cutting myself in the staff-toilet...those who don't see me drunk standing on the 4th floor window, those who don't see me walking on the rails in front of a train....). I keep such a mask for everyone who isn't close. But inside I'm desperate.

I want to be happy and I want to be normal. But I know I am not, and it makes me feel so lonely and so afraid.

/Thanks for reading

I know a BPD diagnosis can be shocking and scary but just remember that it's only a label that is there to steer you in the right direction for getting the help that you need.

Have you looked into DBT? I relate to much of what you've written and have been seeing some improvement from DBT. It's tedious but it's worth it.

I know how it feels to have to hide a large part of yourself from the general population since they wouldn't understand, but here on this site you're free to take that mask off. We understand all too well!

I assure you that you are not alone and that you can achieve happiness despite all of the struggles you're facing. This is just step one towards the healing process.

Can someone please talk to me, I need support from other peers struggling with this disorder

Hi!

Thanks for your reply. I am waiting for my first appointment with a psychologist, I will also get group therapy with DBT. I have read many good things about it, hopefully it will help me too.

Happy I'm not alone with this

I've had this suspicion for about a year when I was reading through my old journals I saw a patter and was forced to really look into what my possible problems were. I had been on medications for bipolar without an official diagnosis at the time. I took a personality disorder test that I've seriously looked into. Years before I treated it as like a novelty. Never took it seriously. I saw I was highest for Borderline again so many years later and actually read up on it. The more I did the more I was feeling this is me!But what could I do about it? I didn't know. I got my official diagnosis for BPD last year and was told over the years of taking the BP meds I had 6 doctors write on my file that I had had BPD. I actually have ALL symptoms. ALL. ALL!