[Daeva]

The last year, 2016, was rough for me, but I was recovering from it, until the last two weeks. I haven't been me, at all. It's not like DID/MPD at all. I'm still one person but this dark side of me has seemed to take over. It's only happened once before but it wasn't a pleasant time for anyone. I have no conscience when it comes to hurting people, I wouldn't ever hurt a living thing myself, but I feel happy when it happens to them, and satisfied. Even people I like. I have no feelings, it's an ocean of apathy except this thing that sits in my chest. I'm very cold and cruel. I don't talk much, I just sit and observe.

I feel this intense hatred and disdain for everything and everyone no matter who they are, even complete strangers. I find myself wondering what gives them the right to exist and hope they stop soon, and find myself happy at the thought.

Logically i know this isn't right, and it's not me. But I don't know what to do. I've been without a T for 5 weeks cause of my office being incompetent morons, when they forgot to re-assign me to another T when my quit. Not that it was a big deal, I didn't honestly care for the one I had beyond being friends with her, but she didn't fit well as a T for me. So her leaving was a relief in a way. And I thought maybe I could start anew.

But anyway I see this new one on the 5th of May. We'll see what she says. I find it difficult to pretend that I actually care, cause I honestly do not. I try, and logically I am trying to force myself to care because thats whats normal. But you can't force genuine emotions. ANd I genuinely do not care.

It bothers me in a logical/intelligent way that I'm not me, but emotionally/mentally/spirit/soul like way it does not.
Maybe I'm being possessed who knows? Doesn't matter either way.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Daeva

The last year, 2016, was rough for me, but I was recovering from it, until the last two weeks. I haven't been me, at all. It's not like DID/MPD at all. I'm still one person but this dark side of me has seemed to take over. It's only happened once before but it wasn't a pleasant time for anyone. I have no conscience when it comes to hurting people, I wouldn't ever hurt a living thing myself, but I feel happy when it happens to them, and satisfied. Even people I like. I have no feelings, it's an ocean of apathy except this thing that sits in my chest. I'm very cold and cruel. I don't talk much, I just sit and observe.

I feel this intense hatred and disdain for everything and everyone no matter who they are, even complete strangers. I find myself wondering what gives them the right to exist and hope they stop soon, and find myself happy at the thought.

Logically i know this isn't right, and it's not me. But I don't know what to do. I've been without a T for 5 weeks cause of my office being incompetent morons, when they forgot to re-assign me to another T when my quit. Not that it was a big deal, I didn't honestly care for the one I had beyond being friends with her, but she didn't fit well as a T for me. So her leaving was a relief in a way. And I thought maybe I could start anew.

But anyway I see this new one on the 5th of May. We'll see what she says. I find it difficult to pretend that I actually care, cause I honestly do not. I try, and logically I am trying to force myself to care because thats whats normal. But you can't force genuine emotions. ANd I genuinely do not care.

It bothers me in a logical/intelligent way that I'm not me, but emotionally/mentally/spirit/soul like way it does not.
Maybe I'm being possessed who knows? Doesn't matter either way.

Do you have an anniversary of some painful event approaching?

[Daeva]

No I don't.

But a friend came over someone who didnt know my past, and we talked abit about my crazy life experiences.
It kinda helped ground me back into reality i guess. I feel a bit better not fully, or alot but a bit. So I think I'm onto somehing.. I smiled for the first time in 2 weeks so thats something

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Daeva

No I don't.

But a friend came over someone who didnt know my past, and we talked abit about my crazy life experiences.
It kinda helped ground me back into reality i guess. I feel a bit better not fully, or alot but a bit. So I think I'm onto somehing.. I smiled for the first time in 2 weeks so thats something

Yea I think it has something to do with your past - something triggered you. You need to discover what it was.
❤

[Daeva]

Not sure what nothing has happened really at this time of year. I don't know, I feel adrift right now. He made me feel loved though and i feeel like i have something to hold onto though

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Not sure what nothing has happened really at this time of year. I don't know, I feel adrift right now. He made me feel loved though and i feeel like i have something to hold onto though

I don't necessarily mean an anniversary - but maybe there was a smell or a sound or a certain way someone behaved or looked that triggered something in you. Talking will release pressure and help you figure it out.

[Daeva]

the only thing i can think of is my therapists office forgetting to reassign me when my t quit, i ust got reassignd this week 5 weeks after she quit cause they forgot me

[bluestar1]

It's called Revenge with a capital R. Because the notion of getting revenge has pierced the walls of your personality where it now becomes a part of who you are. It's a persona because it latches on and superimposes itself.

You have to make now a heroic effort to get yourself free from its clutches. The area of free-will has been taken over in that part of your heart and soul that discerns between right and wrong. Morally (intrinsically and logically) you know this to be wrong, but you choose to do it ANYWAY. That ANYWAY is the Revenge talking and doing. It then will sit in your heart eating away with GUILT. And the road downhill is a surefired one.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Daeva

the only thing i can think of is my therapists office forgetting to reassign me when my t quit, i ust got reassignd this week 5 weeks after she quit cause they forgot me

That sounds like something that could definitely cause frustration and anger.

I was thinking along the lines of something that happened that maybe you didn't even notice at first that caused you to think of or react to some hurtful event from your past

Perhaps that was what it was though I don't know - simple rage