[elevatedsoul]

i made a friend.. we get along great and have a lot in common

i want to keep her as a friend but i found myself idolizing...
now im having panic that i will be abandoned because she's not talking to me but talking to other people on fb...

im so scared that im going to ruin this and i will again not have any friends..

what do i do

im a guy... and i just wanna keep it simple friendship...
why does it have to always be so complicated

[elevatedsoul]

please help me... it hurts so much but i know this is irrational... its stupid...

please help me stop from ruining a perfectly good friendship...

[TishaBuv]

Don't overwhelm her. You are just one of her friends. Of course she's talking to others. Don't be too needy.

When you have something worth saying, reach out to her. Otherwise, just be on fb doing your own thing. Don't worry. You won't lose her. Just dont give her reason to feel like she needs to break off a friendship with you.

[TishaBuv]

We don't really have real conversations on fb. Someone posts something, and others make a comment. Or someone IM's about something, we go back and forth with a couple of comments, and then just quit. The discussion dies on its own, runs out of steam.

You don't need to stay in constant contact with your friends.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks... i both know and understand what you say to be true...
but you know how it is...?

like, i haven't had a friend for a long time now and im scared

[TishaBuv]

Is she just a fb friend or do you see her IRL?

[elevatedsoul]

we were in rehab together, she spent the day with me the other day
rl friend

[TishaBuv]

Good. She may have fears about keeping friendships, too. I hope she remains a good friend.

[elevatedsoul]

i hope so too... she thinks she might be borderline too..

but im scared, its been so long since i've tried to have a friend.. so many feelings and emotions coming up

[LittleEarthquakes]

i know how you feel

[elevatedsoul]

i feel like such a horrible friend... a horrible person..
why do i have to be like this

i just want a friend... why it have to make me hurt and scared...
its just a friend... JUST a friend.. friends are suposed to be good things...
FML

[TishaBuv]

You could try just focusing on the experience together and no so much on the friend. For example: You go to a movie together. It's about enjoying the movie, maybe getting dinner, having nice conversation. Just enjoying time together.

[elevatedsoul]

im trying really hard to let it pass
but its consuming me

i feel awful... and im scared...
scared im going to mess this friendship up like all my last ones, its just this is a real friendship and not a long distance friendship..

thanks for the advice... im gonna just breathe and be with these feelings... i tried to hint to her that this was happening to me by showing her an article but i dont think she read it ... hoping she will read it later though..
https://showard76.wordpress.com/2011...lity-disorder/

[elevatedsoul]

i think she avoiding me... i dunno what i did wrong...
i wish these feelings would go away... maybe im just being paranoid...
but im usually intuitive about those kind of things....
which really hurts my feelings...

[FeelingOpaque]

I feel like that all the time with people i care about... definitely understand where you're coming from.

Just make it through the next day or so, im she'll get back to you, dont let the feelings tarnish your opinion of her for no reason... Keep on building the friendship!

[subtle lights]

It seems to me that a lot of times are fears actually push us towards acting in a way that reinforces the fear. Like not reaching out because of the fear of being rejected and abandoned if we get close...So then we feel already rejected because we avoided connecting to the person and they don't know what we want. They might have been very nice to us if we tried to connect.
Or we are too pushy and then they keep distance.

So, some kind of balanced action is the best.
Easy to say, I know.

Also, high expectations make for high anxiety.
I know it too well. But how can one be relaxed about expectations when one feels everything so intensely.

I have issues with this too. Getting insanely jelous when a friend starts really connecting to others and they start relating more and more to each other. Like, on a FB group. And it's not even IRL. I instantly get that huge fear that they will abandon me just because of that. It's hard to shake that feeling.

[elevatedsoul]

i hate this...

its confusing me so much... like how do i care about her?
i mean, she's just a friend so why am i reacting so intensely...
i like her but she's taken so i dunno why i feeling like this because im going to ruin it all if it doesnt go away.. this why i can t have friends...

[elevatedsoul]

I don't want to screw it up like I do everytime.. So scared, trying to just breathe... relax... relax... there is no problem... just chill... dont freak out... i need to relax :'(

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i hate this...

its confusing me so much... like how do i care about her?
i mean, she's just a friend so why am i reacting so intensely...
i like her but she's taken so i dunno why i feeling like this because im going to ruin it all if it doesnt go away.. this why i can t have friends...

So it's obvious you are having relatively high expectations from this. Which is okay, as you're aware of having them.
It might help to maybe ask yourself what would you expect from the relationship....
You are not going to ruin it because it depends on both...don't take more responsibility than it's your part.
And you could meet mid-way, somewhere. I think it is really important to realise that it doesn't depend only on you. And you've done the first steps you deserve to relax, as said above, wait a day or preferably more.

In the same time I can totally understand that it can be overwhelming, and I can relate

[TishaBuv]

What do you imagine a friendship is?

To me, we stay loosely connected. We text or call at least once a week or so. It's sporadic. Sometimes several times a day, if there's something we're discussing or planning. Sometimes, we might go months without much contact.

We get together every so often and have experiences, at least lunch once a month or so.

[TishaBuv]

Fb keeps us closer. My friends post about what they're doing or lots of photos of cute puppies, and I give them 'likes'.

[elevatedsoul]

i dont know what a friendship is.... i never trusted anyone to be a friend...

i just lonely and hurt... i dont like letting people in, i dont like to try to trust someone..

but i need it so bad... i dont want to ruin more frienndships posibilities lby being like this...

i hate myself..

[TishaBuv]

How old are you?

I'm 50. I have had some strange friendships (probably what got me Borderline traits diagnosis), but I always had friends.

From the moment I was born, I was socializing with friends, because I was thrown together with other kids because my mother was social.

I've had issues where friends have disappointed me, or proven to be not good friends, but the basic friendship is always how friendships develop commonly.

If you want to talk about yourself more on this, I'm here. . (A friend)

[elevatedsoul]

I am 27...

I was told I have avoidant personality traits...
I never had friends... there was people that talke to me but I didn't talk to them...
If that makes sense.. I've never tried to trust people because I know it will end in dissapointment...

I was stupid doing so with this girl.. I should of known better than to think I could have a real friend...

[elevatedsoul]

scared im going to cut... i want to so bad...