My Adult Son Has Estranged Himself from Me

One son, 38, married with children has had for his own piece of mind to drop me as an unnecessary sack of turmoil and baggage that he will no longer respond to. I raised him solo as a single mother - I was a teenager rife with every single battery and assault against my soul when I had him. I was a runaway, a teenage bride, I struggled but loved him dearly, promising self I'd never venture into the same terrirotires as my oppressors, and raise him with love - whatever it took.

There were a lot variances in the raising of him that were unavoidable - simply because I did not know better and there was nobody to teach me what was what about nutrition for example. I breastfed for 3 months, then put him on a cereal and that did him no favors. In addition I went to work when he was just a small toddler maybe 3 and this was very traumatic for him. Not to mention his father who was a fcker of the worst kind who played psychological games to get back at me - through our son. and it all just permeated my son's mind, heart and soul. Fastfoward - he has 5 kids and he's a truly amazing father - but he blames and blames and blames me to no end. Then we don't speak. I don't want to push or get in between him and his wife so I keep silent. And there it is silence. I had an epiphany that simply he wants nothing to do with me in full tradition of my family of origin who would just cut each other out and never speak to each other again. And he's carrying that legacy. I've tried and I don't want to be that person who pushes too much.

And wouldn't you know that he will bring up the BPD and make it a poisonous arrow straight to my heart. Just to hurt me. No empathy. Just to sort things out and make sure I know that he despises me for what I am and what I've got and there's zero sympathy so stop waiting for it.

And so, I stopped. A long time ago when I picked up this vibe from him. It's uncomfortable and yet there it is. Something to recognize and maybe discuss - the elders with adult children who've shunned them for not measuring up or being all that the offspring would have wanted them to be but couldn't.

My two daughters have not shunned me, but we do have very little communication. I think it would be great for estranged parents to talk about these kinds of things and help each other continue on in life, but not if the talk is dominated by moaning, groaning or complaint...and I am not saying that is what you are doing! My own estrangement is a result of my own failure as a father in spite of my best efforts and not because of anything about my daughters. You made better efforts than I had made, but even the very best efforts do not guarantee the desired outcome. So, and with no fingers ever being pointed in any direction, how do we accept things as they are today and live in contentment in spite of any missing elements?

Hi, Bluestar, I don't have BPD but had my own PDNOS baggage. My adult daughter cut me off entirely. "No contact", no warning about it. No interest in trying to work things out, either. But eventually we have reconciled some -- at least I hope so. I hung in there, sending her information about great-uncles dying, etc., and sending the grandchildren small gifts even if I didn't know but what they might end up in the trash unopened. And she "grew up" some, as she has said.

I'm SO glad that your son is doing well!! That is great news! Despite all the challenges you faced. Eventually maybe he'll see it that way, maybe not. Until then, it's heart-breaking, I know.

I don't know. I go from being philosophical about it, to numb to not caring, to doing little ceremonies of cutting the cord from my heart to his, to detach, to develop my own self, not to be bothered, to being bothered about it. Simply because deep down I feel it's not right.

He's also vacillated in this - going from no contact to contact, to little to again non. And all I've done over the years is go along with it all. Yes, huge mistakes were made on my part. I'd been an isolater my entire life with him and maybe crossed a few boundaries too many while raising hm. I was conscious all the time I was - but there would be slip ups of anger. I was also living a hard life of poverty as a single mother with him and that also added to the mix.

He judged me harshly for this. But in spite, yes he did do well, and did it on his own with the help of his higher power and wife. It's not perfect and there are a few scars he's got that are remainders - namely he's got ADHD and for this he's taking Adderall - just to keep functioning as a business person, father and family man. So there's been damage. Pretty sure the domestic violence I'd incurred from his father while pregnant with him left its marks. There was a lot of brutality going on before he was even born.

It is not right (and yet still possibly best) that my daughters, my wife, son-in-law, six grandchildren and I are no longer together like "The Waltons" like we were just a few years ago...and do you hear the subtle difference there? I have nothing whatsoever to say about anything anyone else either has or has not done in the past and/or is or is not doing today. Best efforts* were made all around, and now here we are with our respective pieces of the sum...and now what shall we do with whatever that might be?

*Each person did whatever she or he thought best.

Yes, and the what ifs still linger.

Definitely, and I do think about those at times: What if I had responded differently at one time or another, or what if I try one thing or another today? But just as our bests in the past had not kept us together, it seems our bests today are not sufficient for restoration...but then neither do we seem to all share a common desire or perceived need.

Shifting from parent to child...

I spent many years estranged from my mother without even realizing that was going on. There was no actual enmity between us, just that I viewed and treated her no differently than just about any casual acquaintance. Near the end of her life she did not allow me at her bedside, and I ultimately grieved deeply for her as the little girl who died without having ever really known her daddy.

I cling to the thought and the hope of the future restoration of all that is good and right, and I am grateful for that thought and hope lest I have none at all.

Right now all I can do is be the best version of myself. Regardless of what is going around me and who chooses to share my life with me or not. I can't control him or anyone else. I can only have control over my own thoughts about this and everything else. I can choose not to harbor negative feelings. With that I'm sailing.

Bluestar, first I commend you for doing what you could to raise your son in the best way you knew how. You obviously did something right, judging by his little family and the kind of father he is. Being a parent, either good or bad, is learned. Usually from our own parents.

Now, I am not a parent myself. Just want to throw that out there. I wanted to come at this from the perspective of the child.

My mother has a personality disorder, NPD not BPD, which is a big difference. However, the main point I wanted to make is that your perception of events and his perception of events may not be the same. I know, with my mother, she paints me as an insubordinate little brat, even though I am a 34 year disabled adult on SSDI because of mental illness related to trauma (which came from emotional neglect and mental abuse from her). For me, I have gotten to the point of attempting to stand up for myself when she gets controlling and abusive. If that makes me a bad daughter, then so be it. I see the situation differently than she does.

Totally not the same as BPD. But, you mentioned his father in your original post. Looking on my childhood, I sometimes hated my father when he would take my sister and me back to our mother's house. Not because he was bad, or awful, or doing anything wrong, but simply because in my child brain, he was just handing me back to her and not protecting me. My mother would do the same as your son's father. She would tell my sister and me all the awful things our father had done (the worst of which was he was a packrat, tbh) and also tell us messages to tell him, because she didn't want to pick up the phone. We were between 10 and 13 at the time. He may see a slight on your part by not protecting him from his father. He may still believe some of the things his father said, all those years ago. Heck, there may be something as simple as you always nagged him to clean his room, and he felt he couldn't get it clean enough, no matter how hard he tried (I know I felt, and still feel that one, with my mom).

I do hope that someday he will be willing to talk with you. I'm sure there are some things that you both need to work on, but I know the time will have to be right for him. Like you said, being pushy isn't what will help right now (at least, that how I read it).

Take care of yourself. Hopefully seeing you be okay will help him be okay. Eventually.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Thank you ChildofChaos831 for your kind words.