knife in my heart, knife in my back

so pull that ***** out!

whats it like to be in love, to be loved, to be trusted, to have someone that you can trust, to lean on, that wont hurt you, that respects you, that cares for you, that will hold you when you cry, that will not yell at you when you cut yourself, that will understand when you bleed, that will not be afraid when you say you want to kill yourself, whats it like? what the hell is that like?

It's fickle, just like our emotions.

oh how i want it though, i just want to squeeze someone so tight they become part of me and NEVER LET GO

mine mine mine mine mine

I want that too...so much
I believe I've experienced part of it, but never the whole

I think there is a connection with the fact that you have selfharming motive and true love relationship that you desperatly want but dont have. The first one could be the result of the 2nd. What runs in your mind when you make a decision to harm yourself? Thats the answer for your question. If you find harmony with yourself it will be much easier to find understanding from others.

its hard to tell what is goin on in my mind when im self harming...

i feel so much pain when i decide to cut, it hurts so deep on so many levels that i just want to pull it out of the inside and put it on the surface... because the surface pain does not hurt nearly as bad as the pain on the inside, the inside pain kills me

i've always wanted to be loved, surrounded by people that were supposed to love me, who claim(ed) to love me, yet have differentiating actions towards me at times that seem to oppose such claims... atleast is what it seems on the surface

i have a battle with myself, over loving myself, to love? or not to love? that is the war...
one day i am in love with myself, while the next i want to kill myself, or perhaps even in the same day my thoughts towards myself change...

i've been hurt so many times, by so many things, small things, big things... things that are unimportant, and things that are hugely important...
and they all hurt the same, it all became the same pain... its all became my inner world, my hell

now i am left with this mess... devastated by others, devastated by self, scared to death of hurt and pain, crying in the corner afraid of more, wounded, just wanting it to all go away...

why me? why anyone? its not right, its not fair, its pure hell, its torture!
to go through the torment to get like this? then to be tormented through out life by self and others because we are like this? life has cursed us?

i mean my anxiety is so bad, my ptsd is so bad, everything is so bad, i've been trying to get on disability for 7 years to no avail, unable to work, unable to support myself, i am miserable! how am i supposed to feel about myself? GOOD? HOW?
i try hard to feel as good as possible about myself, some days i do. most days its a losing battle... most days i hate myself, i hate my life... i hate the way things are... i hate this planet... i hate people... i hate everything... because of this ****...

i have been silent my whole life, yet now i am trying to "wake up" ... i am trying to reach out ... i am trying to speak up ... i am trying to heal ... i am trying to survive ... i am trying to make things better ... i am trying to prove to myself that i can do this ... that there is a life for me worth living ... that things can be ok ... and that i wont have to be miserable for ever ... that someone can love me ... and that i can be safe ...

does anyone have any idea how difficult that is ...?

7 years of trying to get some form of minute income to take care of myself... to improve my self confidence just a hair... my self esteem... and failing

patience wearing thin

i am at the point where even with my severe debilitating anxieties that i am seeking some form of employment, even though i am unsure if i am capable, i have no choice but to try to find some form of income... or else death is the only thing else calling my name

so this knife that has befriended me, that has been deeply seeded within me, i want removed, i just dont want to bloody bleed to death when i pull the damn thing out

i dont even know what im writing anymore, i just want to get out, im done

I appreciate your honesty. And its good to be frank when you talk about problems. Its a massive step toward solving the problem itself. Its hard to admit we have a problem. Much easier to blame others for not loving us enought and wait for their first steps to rescue us. Love is a reason of many good and bad things that happen in our lives. ☺ everyone of us need it as we need air or food. Be loved. Be appreciated. Be valuable and important to others. To know our life is not pointless. Its normal to want to be loved and to feel safe with your loved one. Everyone deserves love, happiness and family, including you. You should try to find a reason what you could be punishing yourself for? I see you keep holding for something really unpleasent that happend to you. It makes you feel miserable but its only in your head. Other people probably dont even think same way about you and see a very nice person. 😊 I think you are very addicted to what other people think about you. You put their opinion very high. Usually this happens as the result of low self-appraisal. Mostly this comes from our childhood and starts with our parents. What did they say. What did they do. Did they make you feel loved and protected or blamed you for no reason and never believed in you. Its a long way from admiting you have a problem and then finding the reason/situation that makes you feel the way you feel. Deffinately you shouldnt be punishing yourself. You should teach yourself how to be happy but not how to live in hell.

my parents were not very good at raising us

they fought a lot, verbally, physically

they were not there for us emotionally, did not know how to take care of us emotionally or even physically or whatever

we went to foster care for a few years

they ended up separating and when we came back home to father he was distant and didnt offer any support and still to this day doesnt know how to

we've always been on our own, raise yourself kind of thing

emotionally it has been very difficult
i dont understand emotions, feelings, they are very confusing and conflicting for me

they are painful

i numb and block out them

and when i feel them they get me into trouble because i dont understand them

then i end up self harming or having suicidal thoughts because i cant handle it, overwhelmed

im emotionally just not capable of handling myself even

im not able to be there for myself, no one has ever been there for me

even in foster care it was too late, they tried to be there for me but i couldnt trust anyone by that time

things had been put into place ... you know?

now im 27 years old and trying to fix a ****ed up situation ....

i want to be normal, but i cant just be normal
its not that simple.... feelings and emotions are everywhere, and they flood me, overwhelm me, and no one can understand what that means

normal persons are able to filter through their feelings, emotions, to be able to understand them, to cope with them, to move on with them, but not me, i dont know what to do with them, my feelings kill me, they torment me, i hate them and they hate me, they have minds of their own, and they want to kill me it seems

i cant handle it sometimes, sometimes its ok... sometimes im ok really
but sometimes its not... sometimes really not realy really really not...

sometimes im just numb, most of the times im just numb, i like it that way
its the way im used to feeling... its safe... no feelings... its good, its safe...
its what im used to... predictable... safe...

but i want to be normal
i want to have feelings.... i want to be loved, i want to feel love... happy, joy... fun...
i dont want to feel sad, depressed, i want to be happy
feel good, i like to feel good, safe, i want that - i just want to be normal

i just want to be in control of my feelings... emotions... i dont want them to go crazy any more... i dont want to be numb any more either... i dont want to be scared any more...

i dont blame anyone for anything... i dont care about the past, i just want to be normal, i dont care bout what happened to me, about sexual abuse, about abuse, about whatever, i just want to be happy

im not sure what im writing about... im high so im gonna stop writing

making me sad thinking about this stuff.... i wish i had a significant other so bad that could understand me.... someone i could connect with and feel safe enough with to feel things with... i want to feel things so bad... im so tired of blocking everything .... but so scared to feel things

everytime i feel things... allow my emotions to come thorugh it hurts... i get into trouble.... i make mistakes... i self harm... its so stupid, im so tired of this life

why cant i just be normal...?

i wanna know what its like to allow my emotions to just be... to allow myself to just be... why do i have to block and numb everything to make myself be safe... but even that doesnt work half the time, i end up becoming severely depressed and suicidal...

its so tiresome... so lonely

i want to change so bad... is it true that personality disorder will never change...?
i will always be like this...?

I dont think you will always be like this. Everything and everyone change all the time..constantley. new situations brought into your life will definately change you... somehow. Its impossible to stay the same through all your life, dear. So the answer to your question is no you will not be like this.
Another thing that surprises me is your wish to be normal. Why would you want to be normal? I think normality is a standart, ordinary, booring, same as others. I think person with extraordinary ideas and visions is better for our sociaty because he can make it different and give a new color to a grey picture of 'normality'. If you say you want to be normal meaning healthy, then its never too late to help yourself step by step..day after day...do things that make you happy..and avoid things that make you upset. Its as easy as that. Alcohol and drugs can take the pain away as you may think but its a mistake. Illusion. They will create a hell in your head and make your body addicted to this hell asking for more each day. Pure mind can give you a better solution on how to make you happy and accomplish your true needs.
I liked the part when you wrote you want to be happy.. thats what should be engraved in your mind.. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I can be happy as everyone else can. Noone is better. You have a right to be happy and be loved.
Listen! Its not your fault what has happened long time ago. It was terrible experience.. But what you have to realise its all in the past. And this little kid inside of you is safe now. Noone is going to harm you anymore. You can give your inner kid a better life than he had. And 1st step would be to stop punishing this little kid. I think he suffered a lot. Help him to become a better person. Take responsibility for your inner kid and be the best parent for him that you always wanted to have.

yeah, i know

you're right

i just feel so empty, void ... i dont know if it will ever go away

i like myself sometimes, to be different... because im fun, when im well... im interesting... when i am well.. but i can spin around and be in absolute hell so fast and not recognize myself in the mirror... not know what happened to me... not know what went wrong or what triggered me to cause me to switch so hard

and i hate it, so i just dont want to be like this any more

i do want to take care of the one inside, to love the one that never was loved, to teach and care for and everything that was supposed to be done when they were little... but im sick, i end up causing so much harm myself sometimes and then i get angry and make things even worse because of myself and how sick i am

getting high makes me feel happy... i started getting high when i was little... escape the pain... it makes me feel at home... comforted... understood... not alone... i feel happy... the pain stops... and i can breathe... atleast for a moment i can breathe... like everything is ok, like everything in my head is going to be ok... everything around me doesnt matter, like the fighting doesnt matter, the problems dont matter, not having money doesnt matter... everything just gets better for a moment and i can be with myself and just love the way i am for a moment... and feel loved... i love drugs... i love getting high... i know i shouldnt say that, probably. but im living in hell, im in a lot of pain.... im really sick.... and i just want to feel better.... you know...?

i've been hospitalized... been to rehab... been on dozens of medications... been to therapy... talked to doctors... talked to family ( they definitely dont get it) i dont have any friends to talk to... i dont have any thing else besides myself and the demons and hurt ones and pain residing in my head

what else am i supposed to do besides what i learned to do when i was little?
i dont want to kill myself, i want to get better and be happy, so i get high instead of bleeding out, or taking all my pills at once, or whatever

i know its hard to understand, just like its hard to understand why anyone would want to cut themselves and how it can make them feel better....

i try not to cut anymore, but i still slip up and end up with dozens of cuts and crying trying to figure out why im still doing it because i know its bad....

im not good at responsibilities, ive had to be the parent my whole life, for my parents, ive had to be their parents even when i was little.... i never had time to learn how to do things the right way because no one ever taught me i had to teach myself in the midst of chaos...
so now im trying to, yet again, teach myself TRUE responsibilities... in the midst of INTERNAL chaos... but i am going to therapy... have been going to therapy for a year or so but my current therapist has not really been able to help me with any of this...

so im hoping this new guy will be able to help... because i need help... i cant teach myself these things, i need guidance... someone needs to show me how to do this stuff, kids need to be taught, kids cant teach their selves this stuff its just not right...

im an adult, but i never was able to develop the way a normal kid does.... because of the chaos... a normal kid grows, learns... responsibilities... everything... from parents....

im trying really hard, but its really hard

everyone used to tell me that i was a genius, but i dont believe them... i think that i just had no choice but to act that way because of everything i had to put up with... and now as an adult my mind is broken... fractured... fragmented... and i dont know what to do...

i just want the suffering to stop, its so much pain... so much pain that im numb a lot of the time... but i can quickly be triggered into a very very bad state.... i dont act out, i act inward... i dont take things out on other people.... i take things out on myself...

Yes you are right. its hard to teach yourself new skills and push yourself to make new steps up the stairs but not down. Climbing is much harder than going down. But thats what makes you a better person. Difficulties and achievements even small ones... like taking control over your mood or reaction...all those steps make you a better and stronger person.
Talking about drugs..I think its obvious to you too, drugs produce synthetic happiness that cant be long lasting. Drugs make you high by taking powers from your body making it weak and ill. Body addiction would want you to continue taking drugs while mind would try to warn you about its danger and harm to your body. Thats why you have conflicts inside. You want it but you know its wrong amd bad for you.
When you say you like drugs..its not you.. its your body impulse. Your mind doesnt need drugs to be happy. It can produce happiness itself when you are in love or while you are doing things you love. Favourite hobbies. Sports. Writing. Painting. Creating new things.
If only you could organize your time better by making new tasks and writing a list of important things you would love to do. It could make you feel busy and make your mind have a rest from painful thoughts. Make your mind busy with interesting tasks. Is there something you always wanted to do? Im sure there is!
I have a feeling you are very sensitive and creative person with reach imagination. 😊

i like music, but its hard to focus through the chaos

i try to make music as a hobby
https://soundcloud.com/loadedsounds/gravity-kills

Hey, your music is really good, I like it. Thanks for sharing it here!
Hope you'll keep doing it, because it's really worth it.

i love making music... this is my new one...
https://soundcloud.com/loadedsounds/laced-places

its just difficult when you go through so much pain, you know?
struggling just to survive.. not able to take care of yourself, not able to afford things you need, clothes, shoes, cigs, whatever, not wanting to get out of bed, just wanting to die...

and then dealing with the awful hell of depression and anxiety on top of it

being lonely

whatever

im just tired of this planet... i hate this planet so much sometimes

I'm sorry But it's beautiful that you still have the inspiration to create. I love that! That should mean something...I guess

I know this is only part of your post, but my boyfriend doesn't understand self-harm or suicidalness and got really angry with me for it (out of anxiety) when I was actively doing so in the past.

I talked about it with my therapist and she told me that sometimes not even our loved ones can support us through certain things, and that we need other outlets (like therapists) who do understand and are more equipped to dealing with it.

I guess things like this are too "out there" for certain people to handle, even if they do their best to.

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is: even though support from other people can help a lot, we need to be able to soothe and support ourselves too.

It's not easy

yeah i guess...

i dont know how to self soothe...

i always turned to drugs and alcohol, at a young age i started... 12/13 years old...

i dont know what i did before then... i would become enraged, i believe.. my memory is so bad i cant remember what happened back then... i dont remember my past or child hood.. teenage years or last week / this morning even...

i did have a lot of rage before i started abusing alcohol and drugs though so maybe thats how i handled the pain...

i started cutting around 17..?19..? years old...

i love drugs though


they saved me from suicide you know?

I've read somewhere that if someone is in crisis then anything is okay, if the other option is suicide. It was an example like, if you need to get an eating disorder to not kill yourself then get an ED rather then the other option.
Though it is kinda controversial because then the ED might kill you.
But I guess there was a reason why you felt you had no choice. I'm not saying drugs are okay...
It is easy to say, don't do anything self destructive. People don't get it how it feels to need to be self destructive. I don't even understand it.
Still, it's good to find alternatives, but sometimes nothing works.

yeah...

i think its starting...
feeling numb... i dont want to crash and burn...


i just wanna get high

or something is... i dont know... i just dont feel right...

i dont like it, i dont know my feelings well !!!

i just wanna smoke some weed or something so i can calm down and relax is all..

i feel numb but i feel like a pressure... like a heavy sadness and its starting to take a toll on me again... and i dont want the pain to come back....

i just dont want that pain to come back is all ...

i feel angry... irritable...

at the same time i want to cry...

Lately I want to numb myself too these days. Don't know where this is going but I'm tired to be strong.

If you can cry that can be very therapeutic though...

and as quickly as it comes, it is gone

what do i feel?
what do i see?
nothing is here.
nothing is there.
where am i?
who is there?
am i alone?
am i made of stone?
am i made of water?
how are these things?
are these even things?
my thoughts flow..
inward... consuming
they tend to mask my soul
consuming... what once was whole
my life has fallen, apart
apart that was once stable
or was it ever stable?
like a maze we wonder
seeking the center...
or are we seeking the exit
seeking the wonders
or seeking the next hit...
looking for myself
ive become lost
im confused,
i want out of this mess..
someone to show me its ok
but no one is there...
how can some one see me?
ive become a blare...
not a visions sight...
a horrid sound in the night...
the nightmares of kids dreams
ones they scream from fright
this is i, this is i....

the ribbons of emotions entangle me... a jelly fish of horrible emotions swarm... to be stung by one self, the very defense you create to hunt and protect yourself... turning on yourself... what a nightmare...

i find myself walking through these feelings... perplexed, how can i slide so fast, how can i do this, how is this possible, am i making this all up?

am i making this all up.... echoes... throughout my soul...

i just wish not to be alone.... wish to be heard.... to be understood.... truly understood...

~seeking ones own understanding... a never ending journey...