Jealousy...people I feel close to liking other people

I have this issue, getting extremely jealous of a friend (doesn't have to be very close one) or someone I feel close to when they prove to feel close to or like someone else.
It's hard to explain...

Today I saw a comment on a site under my therapist's profile (where you can write reviews), it was a new comment, from a woman who wrote that she was very appreciative of him, that she cried all through her first session and she would never have thought she could do that. And she will be going back etc

I just felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach, and then punched me in the same place...I had this image of him and her, him being nice to her and comforting her...it was so horribly painful...just felt this urge to cry, this pain, can't even explain...what I usually feel when I'm jealous...and it happens with friends when I see them liking others...and also of course romantic interests...It's like everything becomes black, I'm thrown into this pain.

I know it sounds like I'm selfish...but I can't help it

I don't know, I think I can manage many things BPD-related, but this is one that just destroys me, appears out of the blue and it's just too painful.

Has anyone had similar issues?

Is it possible that you feel like you are less special to the person, if you see that they are also friendly with other people? If so, that's inaccurate. It's normal for people to have several deep relationships and not value one person any less than the other. Your therapist had a good session with someone...does that make the therapist think less of you personally? Definitely not.

Try to appreciate your relationships and keep in mind that even if they have friendships with other people, they are still friends with you for a reason. No need to feel jealous.

Yes, I know what you mean...I'm trying to see it that way but it's just so hard.
I guess I have this fear that if they get close to someone else then that will increase the chance of not wanting to be around me anymore/ abandoning me / liking me less.
Maybe it's not a competition, I just feel it that way...
I'm trying to redefine it in my head somehow, but it's hard.

The fact that you recognize this way of thinking is a fantastic display of self-awareness. So just try to catch yourself when you begin to have these feelings of jealousy, and maybe it would help to say to yourself "It's not a competition".

Now I feel so stupid and guilty for feeling this way...
So selfish, argh..

It's still hurts so much..I'm sorry, I just can't rationalise it now or explain it or whatever, it's just too painful

Why don't you try to be friends with the other person and make it a group of friends ��.

Well this was about my therapist so in that case I can't.
Otherwise I have this issue with the strong fear of being abandoned in these situations (friend getting close to someone else)
Anyway, I just feel horrible now and very very alone in this

I think the fact that she cried on the first session says more about her than it says about him. It isn't about him caring about her more or something, but about her need to cry. Personally, I can only cry in therapy in extreme circumstances , so of course, my therapists have not had much chance to comfort me like they would get with someone who cries more easily. So this has to do with her, not with him.

I think many times we get jealous of a person because he/she does something or has a way of acting or feeling that we want to have. Could it be you are jealous of her because she can express her feelings more easily? Sometimes one thinks one is jealous of one person, for example a BF, therapist etc, but in reality one is jealous because the person they relate to has something that we feel we don't have. So maybe you are jealous of her ability to open up fast and share feelings, but you feel the focus is on being jealous of your therapist? I don't know if it makes sense, sorry if it is confusing...

I can relate because I am extremely jealous in similar ways. I want to feel unique, and I want to be the most important person for some people. I don't know exactly why, but I can't make it work in my head that people can like or care about many people the same way. Somehow I am always comparing. It hurts a lot and it stresses me a lot, because I have to be Nr.1 all the time- the most interesting patient, the most fun friend, the most intelligent student, the most unique/important/beautiful/sexy person for my husband etc etc etc

This issue is very painful, and I think it has to do with being extremely self demanding and critical. Somehow we feel that either we are Nr1 and thus loved and cared for, or we are nothing-and that because we are nothing we will be abandoned for someone better. Black or white thinking- splitting.

Most people do NOT operate either in black or white areas, but in grey areas. They care about many people in similar ways. In a way it can feel disappointing to us who struggle with splitting thinking- we want to be extremely unique, we want them to obsess about us the same way we obsess about them, but at the same time, it can be calming and reassuring to take in that most people do not have borderline and thus do not think black and white, but grey.

I know it is hard to feel this way but one can try to accept it with logic to begin with.

Hugs

Thank you, Ms. Lizette, I can relate to what you've written.
And yes, after I've been giving it some (painful) thought, it's clear now that I am jealous of her being able to open up and cry like that in therapy, even more so, first session.
I've never managed to really let go and cry there...Maybe because of transference, seeing my T as someone I need to impress, or someone I need acceptance from...
It's painful, because on some level I feel that if she managed to open up like this, that means that the relationship between her and T will be much closer than between us...
And yeah, black and white thinking...you're right, I do see it that way. Either I'm perfect and I'm number one, or nothing. Though I usually never see myself as no. one. So this is not something conscious. But when I see displays of a close relationship between someone I care and someone I would be on the same "level" with, it provokes this extreme jealousy out of me.
For example I might be a bit jealous of my Ts girlfriend, but much more jealous of my Ts other clients...If this makes sense. Because that's like the "real" competition.
Even though it shouldn't be.
Or the same with a friend who suddenly gets very close to another friend of theirs.
I wonder if I should bring this up in therapy...I know my T would be able to help me on this...But I feel sort of embarrased to tell him.

I have these thoughts too. I am trying to be self-aware and catch it when it surface.

Perhaps it's the "win or lose" subconscious desire. It hurts, but I am going through repeated process to help rinse my negative subconscious thinking.

i totally get it. this is why i have minimal human contact these days. these kinds of things will drive me absolutely mad. not much advice to give. Jealousy has ruined a lot of things in my life. I dont know how to not feel this instinct