Relationship Help

I'm trying to look stuff up to see how I can deal with when my husband and I get into fights. I rarely start the fight-it's usually him being a jerk. I react in a borderline way though-I end up overly sensitive and it takes me forever to get over it.

I tried searching for help. I haven't been in therapy for over a year. I just want to learn how to let this stuff go. My husband can be an jerk. So why do I let it ruin my day? But EVERY search I do just has articles on how WE are the a$$holes causing problems in our relationships. Most of the time it's my husband, not me (yes I am evaluating it clearly).

This morning I tried to help him with something (when he asked for help) and I did it wrong. He threw his hands up and said "you made it worse" so I snapped at him and said I was only trying to (f word) help, to which he told me to F off. I don't think I'm being irrational about being mad about this. What I don't get is why I can't let go of the anger, why whenever we have little tiffs like this I can't let go. I believe it's because I feel completely unappreciated by him. I often feel he doesn't love me, based on so many things. So I don't know is this part of "splitting" and fear of abandonment. Honestly when this stuff happens I just want to end it. But then I know if I did I'd be a disaster because I take forever to get over relationships. And yeah, of course I don't want to be alone.

Are there any books or anything that deal with relationships from OUR perspectives and not the poor sorry souls who end up with us?!? I can't change him-but I can change how I react to him, I just don't know how.

I have similar problems with my bf. It has gotten a lot better since I've realized exactly how I react to his ***** attitude sometimes, and how it looks like to someone on the outside. For example his tone of voice throws me off all of the time. So I get defensive and all hell breaks loose because he has issues of his own.. finally after fighting constantly we end up talking it out. So I eventually i was able to tell him exactly why I do the things I do. I had to explain to him that to me he is being stupid on purpose to get to me, and it feels like he is out to get me. That is my reality, whether he means it or not. Since then things have gotten a ton better but it's still not easy.

I tell him to leave and get out of my life still...probsbly more than I want to. But most of the time I love him so much and want to be with him. I made him read a few articles on BPD that I felt explained it well and that I don't act the way I do on purpose. It's just how I perceive things and I'm reacting the only way I know how.

I'm working on it, I have to remind him a lot, I tell him I know the illness isn't an excuse but to be patient because I am going to get better. I just started therapy again 2 weeks ago, but only recently realized I probably have BPD. I haven't been diagnosed yet but I suffer from all 10 of the checklist items on a BPD quiz thing lol.

I dunno if that's helpful. I ramble a lot. I'd say try to open the communication more and see if he understands a bit more. If he isn't willing to be a little patient and work WITH you then you should get out and learn how to be alone. You might like it after awhile. I made myself be alone for 8 months (so long, I know) but no relationshipd, no tinder, no sleeping around, no anything. It was lonely and sad but I needed it. It helped enough so I can sit at home alone and not need to fill a void. For a certain amount of time. I'm still restless as eff. But I don't need to get blackout drunk to deal with it anymore

Can you go to couples counseling and/or get back into individual counseling?
You said you need to change how you react to him and DBT can help you with that. In particular, learning mindfulness, emotion regulation and the interpersonal skills in DBT will help. DBT and schema therapy are probably the two most effective therapies for BPD. Doing at least one of these things should help you, preferably do both if you can. At the very least, get some DBT books and join a DBT online group, either a free one (there are some on facebook) or paid. But I highly suggest seeing a therapist over self-help which can be very difficult. I think for people with BPD, getting validation, care, and support from a therapist is really important.

Based on what you shared, it seems kind of difficult to assess the situation. I believe each person brings their own issues to a relationship, so we all have our fair share of things to work on, even when the other person has BPD or another mental illness. If your husband acts like a jerk and disrespects you, then its normal to feel hurt and angered by this. And if it keeps on happening, I think its normal for it to continue to affect you.

Based on the example you gave, it seems both of you could use help with effective, nonviolent communication. If you haven't done DBT, look into the Interpersonal Effectiveness module of DBT or check out the book Nonviolent Communication. That's why couples counseling and individual counseling is so important. In couples counseling, it will allow you both to be heard and you'll have someone else there who is objective to give you another perspective, and help guide you while you work on these issues. You will both have to take responsibility for what you contribute. And you're right that you can't change another person. But you have the right to discuss your feelings and your needs in a way that is effective and respectful towards the other person. And when we start handling our emotions differently and change our behavior, its very likely that the other person may respond differently to us. I think its very hard to assess the situation completely objectively when we ourselves in the situation. Seeing a good therapist can be very worthwhile and its usually better to go sooner rather than later.

I have been eyeing this book for awhile, but haven't been able to buy it yet. Its called The High Conflict Couple and its about how each person in the relationship can use DBT skills in their relationship.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0054M06I0...ng=UTF8&btkr=1

Thank you,
I did one on one DBT with a psychiatrist, but it's been over a year since I last went. I have one DBT book, but I think I am more of hands on learner. I am interested in DBT groups online. I wouldn't mind paying. I don't like the idea of facebook groups as I want to keep it private. I think I need a refresher. I don't want to go back to therapy. My life is so busy now as I work full-time, commute and take care of my baby girl (husband gets home late at night). Anyway, I will look into some of those things.
Thanks

I should've included this link before, this is a paid online DBT program. I haven't done it myself, but someone who has recommended it to me.
Learn DBT Skills & Stop Sabotaging | Online DBT Courses

Also, just wanted to say, I know you are busy, but doing therapy is a way of taking care of yourself and it helps you to be the best parent and wife that you can be, so if you can swing it, I think its definitely worth it in the end.

The best thing to do is walk out and your life will be a lot better i did and have never looked back