[elevatedsoul]

here i am again
confused
trying to understand this feeling as anger
not really connecting with it
but feeling really bloody disgusted

having such an existence possible makes me sick
makes me despise life
having divisions in my mind that i cant connect
that dont seem to relate or even communicate
or when communication does exist does not so in a fashionable way
in so that all that exists is an argument of which side is right, which side is wrong

im spinning, spinning more
falling outside of this damned wheel of confusion
what am i feeling? what really are emotions?
what is a thought? because im not in control of it
i try, i try to claim this life and have fought hard for it
try to steer in a direction i view as pleasurable and healthy
but its a battle that i cant seem to get a grip on

and im tired, im so bloody tired

here i am feeling so misconstrued, internally, externally

feeling rage, a calm rage, where i am so angry, but i am not angry at all...
i am divided and coexisting with conflicting emotions

i dont want to do this any more, why do i have to wake up and experience this
what is the purpose

i really dont want to be here any more... dont want to feel like this any more...

(((((hugs)))))

[pachyderm]

The only thing I can suggest is to try to examine the feeling as much as you can... see if you can tell where it comes from...

[Shazerac]

I agree with Pachy. Can you figure out where this anger is coming from. It's kind of like having a splinter. Until you find it and dig it out it's going to keep bothering you.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah, i really do try to examine all of my feelings and emotions when they arise because i usually feel numb and detached... even when i start to have a feeling it feels distant and unfamiliar, as if its not my feeling if that makes sense

i was/am hesitant to posting because i am feeling different again today, feeling ok, which leaves me embarrassed, confused, uncertain, whole slew of things..

there is so much ground that i need to cover with a good professional therapist that i dont know how i will ever do it, or if i will ever find a competent enough therapist to be able to "handle" me without accidentally programming me or causing false results such as a false identity or false memories or what ever may be

i really dislike this.. "roller coaster" (for lack of better term) maybe alice in wonderland type scenario.
i don't hate myself and i don't want to die... i don't know what happens to me besides going through these motions... its like waking up out of the bed and having the whole world different, sometimes you dont wake up out of the bed though you can be walking and in midstep you blink and the world changes or in mid-conversation

i tried hard to find the anger yesterday, from what i can remember, but i couldn't figure it out... maybe its just from being overwhelmed, not being able to take care of business the way i want to. maybe its just that i dont want to do any of this and want to ignore it all. but its still confusing as its not part of me...

i have a big problem with anger and don't express it, i repress it
i was feeling that and i still had to operate minimally with others which i did i just isolated so that i wouldn't black out and slip completely into it...

its just hard because i try to tell the people around me most that i deal with a lot and then i still get dismissed pretty much all the time as if im not dealing with anything and i just try to ignore it

i don't know how to explain to them because i have tried countless times and i just get responses like "i go through that too!" "that explains me so well!" or "everyone goes through that"
and im just like, i dunno they don't understand.. and i try not to talk about it, but how do you live like this... when your mind is trying to seemingly destroy you.. and you live in a place that is not understanding and puts pressure on you in different ways

im doing the best i can at making progress but things are getting increasingly difficult as my transportation problems are increasing... my case manager said try not to let that get to you as we will try to find other ways.. but i have grown up realizing that no one is going to do anything for you, you have to do it yourself... and i know that i am running out of time..

just really stressed

trying to stay focused, but i guess experiencing a lot of dissociation

mind is in a mess