[ciro]

I'm 17, and have been absolutely sure I was BPD since I was about 13 or 14. I hit every single diagnostic criteria except for the whole spending money/eliciting sex/etc stuff, since I really just didn't know where to get access to that stuff, and was insistent on the fact I was borderline.

But recently - maybe the last year or so - what used to be intense, constant, tearful mood swings has become maybe one or two of those every week, with spurts of intense, violent anger many 4 times a week.

And while I should be happy about it, all I feel is an immense sense of disconnect with the world. I feel like the reason I've had little to no mood swings is that my mood swings were from negative stimulus to do with the relationships I were in (as often is with BPD), and I haven't been in a serious relationship in over a year, as the last one I was in was horribly abusive. Since then, I've also maintained less and less friendship, as I feel disconnected, numb, and unable to pursue any sort of emotional connection.

Like, the fear of abandonment turned into a straight up refusal to make new connections.

The mood swings I experience now are still "overreactive" - the other day I self harmed because I was getting a video game a day late - but I tend to go through life now as a passenger, so to speak - much more as typical depressed symptoms, rather than borderline. But because of my BPD identity issues, this usually causes hour long spurts of downright panic and fear that I'm not BPD, and that I'm not sick enough to deserve the treatment I'm getting in therapy.

Can I really still have BPD without the mood swings? I know that you only need 5 of 9 symptoms to reach a diagnosis, but isn't emotion dysregulation a prime symptom? The issue isn't so much being unable to regulate emotions, but that I haven't felt the same emotions I used to feel in over a year. What do I do? It feels wrong, bad, and everyday I feel less and less like I can understand myself.

[Pastel Kitten]

Your decrease in intense emotions may be a result of you simply growing older. Mental healthcare professionals typically avoid diagnosing anyone with a personality disorder until they are at least 18 because being a teenager can often mimic BPD.

I'm not saying you don't have it because obviously I'm no doctor and I don't know you personally but it's possible you also don't.

Assuming that you do have BPD, it's definitely not uncommon for your symptoms to sort of "settle down" when you aren't romantically involved with someone, since relationships tend to bring out the worst aspects of the disorder.

Again, I'm not a doctor but I can compare some experiences I had at your age. I'm 22 now and I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 20.

At age 17, I was nowhere near the "passenger" you're describing yourself to be. I was a hurricane trapped in a tiny human body.

As years went on my turbulence never faded. That's why they were so confident in my diagnosis, because it has persisted into adulthood rather than dying down as a teen like it does for most people who have BPD traits.

I'm still turbulent but I have considerably more control over my reactions to things after a long time of therapy and DBT (though I could use more work).

That's just me, though. No one is the same, even fellow BPD sufferers. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist and telling them exactly what you told us here.

(Also I self harmed because of a video game too once. But it was because I was frustrated at the game itself. Scary how quickly it can go from 0 to 100)