[Misfit Toy]

Hi. I am new to this forum. I have BPD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Complex-PTSD. I have also been diagnosed with Major Depression, but I am sure it is part of the BPD. Lately, I have had several bad flare ups. I have dissociation, and fight or flight response that I am not aware of until afterwards, when someone tells me how I acted. I also tend to self harm during those times. I have hit myself, pulled out my hair, scratched my face, and probably other things I don't remember.

I have been married to the same person for 30 years. It is hard to believe someone would put up with this for that long, but he has. It hurts me more that I lash out at him than what it does to me. Also, I have somehow held a job for 30 years. It is sometimes the only stability I have.

I was hospitalized for the second time in my life last October. I tried to kill myself, or at least I took a bunch of pills and tried to grab a pistol. Most of the pills were not anything lethal, but in that state, I couldn't tell. It is more like a 5 year old trying to kill herself than a 50 year old.

Been living with this most of my life. Parents were both mental and neglected and abused me. Dad is undiagnosed narcissist, and Mom is BPD or something like that. I am over the anger consciously, but my sub-conscious still has a lot of rage and fear. How do you let your sub-conscious know the abuse is over? That is a trick I haven't figured out. Luckily, I never had kids. I wish sometimes that I had been mentally healthy and had them, but I don't regret not because they would have the same fate as me.

Anyway, that is a brief intro. I hope to post more and read everyone here's posts. Thanks for being here. MT

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this, Misfit Toy I understand what you mean! It must be very hard for you! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! I'm really happy that you have such a supportive husband! Please keep working on yourself! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after al and it's more than enough! I'm really happy that you've found this forum! This forum is full of wonderful people and I'm sure you'll like it! Hopefully you'll meet other people similar to you as well! I hope things will get better soon for you! You deserve to get better and to feel good! You deserve to live an happy, fulfilling life just like everyone else does! Please don't give up hope! Just try to hang on as much as you can! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Misfit Toy! Please don't give up! Try to hang on! Keep fighting! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent here as much as you need and want! You can be sure that we won't judge you! I promise you that! Keep fighting! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Remember that you're an awesome, strong warrior, just like everyone else here on PC! Please remember that! We all know that! I'm sure you know that as well, even if it's deep down! I hope you'll be able to see yourself as the wonderful person that you truly are and to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you! Keep fighting! Believe in yourself! You can do this! You've got this! Keep fighting!

[Misfit Toy]

Thanks for the welcome. I have been in therapy for about 4 years. I was hospitalized in October, and since then have been seeing a psychiatric nurse for Abilify and busparone. I have had a bad reaction to the ssri and ssni meds that I have tried, but Abilify has helped with the dissociation and the busparone with the anxiety. I also had chronic migraines, and Abilify has stopped them, which is a welcome side effect.

I am continuing to make progress. Finding out about BPD is a fairly new quest. I was diagnosed with major depression and general anxiety before that. I also have C-PTSD from childhood. I am working on DBT skills with my therapist. The major dissociative episodes are less, which is encouraging. I also have a live support group that is for family and friends of alcoholics, which helps me to not isolate. I am looking forward to reading more here, and I appreciate that there is support for this illness. It has been pretty devastating for a long time, but I am happy to say I am making some progress.

[RainyDay107]

Wanted to let you know that I read your post. I am sending positivity your way.