Pity Party

Thanks to my BPD I have:

**Been abandoned by three "best" friends, with the last one promising over and over again over a number of years that he "understood" my problem and would never abandon me.

**Moved over 2,500 miles in an effort to escape. Of course, it didn't work.

**Almost lost a job. I didn't, but I was never really trusted again and was replaced in the job I was doing and placed in a much worse situation.

**Was almost arrested when my abandonment #2 called the police when I wouldn't leave his house when he told me to.

**Have no friends. I tend to shut them out before they get too close and have the chance to hurt me, but it leaves me very alone.

I know no one can help me, but I'm feeling very sorry for myself and I guess I want some understanding. The last abandonment just happened and I'm in so much pain. I've tried everything I can think of, and I can't get rid of the pain. Please just understand.

I'm sorry.

Were the abandonments bc of BPD (as in that's what the person held against you n therefore left), or the abandonment feeling the cause of the relationship ending bc of something more specific (lies, needing to move, etc)?

This was definitely impulsive, but do you admit you could have reacted differently, or believe there is no way you could do anything else due to BPD?

I hate the stigma attached to BPD. I (like every - not black n white thinking in this case - has or will likely go through) have been thru this.It seems society has decided we are just "not good enough" and therefore overlook or dismiss us.

I am sorry you experience the extreme pain (and possibly self blame) associated with abandonment issues. I know what that feels like, and sometimes it is difficult to be in control if our actions or behaviors when the abandonment is fresh or new.

I have come to the conclusion most people are not trust-worthy and therefore a would not be a good friend anyway. For this reason I no longer self blame in regards to this, but yes - it is still lonely, which is why I spend more time online than anything else. There are more ppl online to be potential friends than there are in my offline life, so it works out. I am not saying all this to be egotistic, but rather to try to help you deal with this in a way other than pain.

I hope you will start feeling better soon. *hugs*

I abandon people before they can abandon me, and then I can never get them back. I know my own behaviors quite well by now, but I can't always change them. They are ingrained from a lifetime of pain.

I hear you. You say no one can help you. Why do you think that? I know why I have thought / felt that, but why do you? You also say you can't always change your behaviors...but does that mean sometimes you can?

Change is a lifelong thing - and just bc you change something about yourself, doesn't mean you will never revisit what that originally was. I too have BPD - from many traumas during childhood n young adulthood (sounds same as you), so I understand how it is to try to "catch yourself before you go too far". Sometimes, i find myself thinking "I cannot do this" - and I have to change it to "I need to find a way to do this". It means I have to analyze and reanalyze everything I say n do both before and after I do it - but it has helped me.

I do this too.

Thank you.

I understand.