I just want help

At 12 diagnosed with “bpd tendencies” but I’m pretty sure it’s full blown at this point. My relationship of 4 years has been a whirlwind. I can’t be out in public with my boyfriend because i fear that him being attracted to other people will somehow effect our relationship. Today we went to go disc golfing and saw women doing yoga in the park. I was already uneasy and then a woman on a bike made me uncomfortable, we were leaving when I also saw a really good looking woman and that’s where it turned for the worse. I started throwing a tantrum and I then got out of the car and ran off without my phone so he didn’t know where I was. We eventually found each other and went home. I feel like I can’t compare to literally any other woman. They are all intimidating and I feel like I don’t belong in this reality. I have severe trust issues with my boyfriend and my family. He tells me I’m the most beautiful person he knows. He tells me CONSTANTLY how much he loves me and wants to see me be happy. And I know, in reality, it’s human nature to find people attractive but I can’t cope with it, or accept it. I really hate the way I look, and act, and sound. I hate what’s happened in my life and I feel so far down and I’m trying to climb up this dirt hole but every time I make it up so far, there’s just an avalanche of dirt that pours back onto me and suffocates me until I feel nothing. Then I reset and it happens again. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I can’t seem to get ahold of myself and understand my worth, and love myself. I feel so ashamed of even being alive sometimes knowing that both my parents were 14 when i was conceived.

Sending hugs.

I have times where the thoughts and feelings get overwhelming and the BPD seems to drive. Hope things will get better. Do you have someone to talk to? I was able to stumble upon someone who did DBT wich is very helpful for BPD, and actually anyone for that matter.

I hope you can start some good therapy. There are deep reasons for this kind of insecurity about your worth to your boyfriend..A good psychodynamic T could build you up, I believe. I feel for the pain you feel of not being as good as other chicks. Don't bother with a Cognitive Behavioral therapist...they are useless copouts..

My boyfriend is the only person I’ve been able to talk to about this. He’s very supportive but even he has his limits. We’re both exhausted from my lack of emotion regulation and this weird reality of fear that I live in. I’m on a waiting list to start DBT. The last couple days I’ve been having very vivid and terrible dreams.

I hope you will get therapy. It can be very helpful, and you deserve it!

I hope that you find a good therapist, if this is what you want. You, and everyone else who needs or wants therapy, deserves this.

What your parents did when you were born is not your fault. I do understand how powerful the inpact of a sub optimal early childhood can be. I hope you find DBT helpful, I think you will

I just want help, too. Is it really so much to ask for? I’ve learned that asking for help truly is “too much” for people. They can’t handle me.

(Not BPD, just here in cluster B myself.)

Your feelings are valid and I see you as you are without judgment.

I don't think that CBT is worthless. Supposedly, people with BPD do especially well with DBT - but I wouldn't blow off CBT.