[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks yeah it is helping

Yeah it’s annoying when people do that. People are supposed to set timers on their phone or whatever to get their laundry promptly when it’s done or switch it over but people seem to always just leave stuff in there for hours. I just go tell security staff downstairs because that’s what we’re supposed to do. They’re allowed to remove the clothing if it’s been sitting there for an extended period of time and set it on one of the laundry tables, for whoever left it to get it

It's great that security is there. I have actually removed laundry myself. We have 29 apartments and 4 washing machines/4 dryers.

[*Beth*]

Thank you for that article @The_little_didgee. I think I'm getting an idea of what "chronic emptiness" means. Also, I can now better understand why people SH...possibly to self-punish, but also to create a feeling. I think there are very subtle, but important, differences between expressing a feeling and attempting to create a feeling or experience that one is disconnected from.

On the BD subforum some of us have been discussing our desire for hypomania. Such a desire is sort-of like trying to create a feeling, but I think it's more of a desire to feel extremely good, like a feeling of being high. Again, the difference is subtle, but it's there.

A really good article. Also, I appreciate that you shared the way you felt when very depressed. It sounds miserable and a very scary experience for you. I'm happy to hear that you're doing much better.

I', getting into a panicked state cause i know for a fact i cannot swim for fudge, toffee, crap or anything else anyone wants to add, my arms and legs refuse to work together in the water, which could easily lead to be being a drowned

its been years since i was last in a swimming pool cause i know i cannot swim for crap

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

I', getting into a panicked state cause i know for a fact i cannot swim for fudge, toffee, crap or anything else anyone wants to add, my arms and legs refuse to work together in the water, which could easily lead to be being a drowned

its been years since i was last in a swimming pool cause i know i cannot swim for crap

I'm sorry, wt. I think I'm the only person in California who doesn't know how to swim When I was a little girl I was sent for swimming lessons at our neighborhood pool, but the instructor pushed me in the pool really hard. I was so startled that my mind wouldn't let me learn how to swim. I love pools, though. I swim under water.

Why do you have to be in a pool?

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I'm sorry, wt. I think I'm the only person in California who doesn't know how to swim When I was a little girl I was sent for swimming lessons at our neighborhood pool, but the instructor pushed me in the pool really hard. I was so startled that my mind wouldn't let me learn how to swim. I love pools, though. I swim under water.

Why do you have to be in a pool?

its just stuff i was remembering, first time i remember being in a swimming pool was one of the few times my dad had bothered to show up to take me and my older brother out somewhere, he took us swimming, then got mad at me for having to be in the baby end of the pool cause i have never ever been able to swim, as soon as my feet leave the pool floor i completely panic

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

its just stuff i was remembering, first time i remember being in a swimming pool was one of the few times my dad had bothered to show up to take me and my older brother out somewhere, he took us swimming, then got mad at me for having to be in the baby end of the pool cause i have never ever been able to swim, as soon as my feet leave the pool floor i completely panic

I'm so sorry. My dad was also absentee and neglectful.

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I'm so sorry. My dad was also absentee and neglectful.

my dad's a sexist pig turd (or is that offensive - to the turd the pig i said did?)

major major major major trigger warning - do not open the trigger box if you don't feel able to read something potentially majorly triggering

i better put dots below it as well actually just to make sure nobody reads it by accident

.
.

is tht enough dots to push the trigger box out of everyone's way? so nobody opens it by accident?

better put a few more

.
.

if it doesnt rain it pours, through looking up my exes to see how they are doing in their lives, found out that the latest one from 2011) has multiple times

Possible trigger:

looked up bad images of children and animals being abused - which is the same thing as what Mum's ex husband did

i got the idea in my head now that maybe it my fault cause if i hadnt met my then boyfriend online, maybe Mum's ex husband would never of done the exact same offence

.
.
enough dots now i hope

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Thank you for that article @The_little_didgee. I think I'm getting an idea of what "chronic emptiness" means. Also, I can now better understand why people SH...possibly to self-punish, but also to create a feeling. I think there are very subtle, but important, differences between expressing a feeling and attempting to create a feeling or experience that one is disconnected from.

On the BD subforum some of us have been discussing our desire for hypomania. Such a desire is sort-of like trying to create a feeling, but I think it's more of a desire to feel extremely good, like a feeling of being high. Again, the difference is subtle, but it's there.

A really good article. Also, I appreciate that you shared the way you felt when very depressed. It sounds miserable and a very scary experience for you. I'm happy to hear that you're doing much better.

I'm not an expert but there seems to be different reasons to self harm, such as dissociation, frustration, other overwhelming feelings, OCD, interpersonal conflict, lack of communication skills, major depression etc.... Sometimes medication can cause SI especially if they cause delirium and agitation.

Self injury (cutting skin) was once hidden and usually took place in the institutional setting. Apparently it was rare until the 1980s. I never heard of this until 1994 when I was in the hospital. Almost everyone there was doing it.

I can understand your desire to experience hypomania. When I started taking Cipralex it made me high for about 4 weeks. I liked the confidence it gave me, but it was hard to focus and stay on topic.

[Blue_Bird]

I’m doing okay today, I have a major headache from either or a combo of PMS and caffeine withdrawal. I cut myself down recently from 6 cups of caffeinated coffee a day to barely any caffeine. So I gave in and bought myself a coke today, I don’t usually drink soda but I felt I needed the caffeine. I took ibuprofen just now and am hoping that helps.

I isolated the entire weekend. I don’t feel bad mentally though. I’m in a relatively good mood. I spent a lot of time reading a book series I’m reading.

I did feel a bit agitated and anxious today but again that could be from PMS and/or caffeine withdrawal.

Going to try to socialize more during the upcoming week. I do feel lonely sometimes

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[Blue_Bird]

I’ve started meditating regularly again and it’s been very helpful. Trying to do it every day for 8 weeks straight then see what the benefits over that time period are. Apparently it takes 8 weeks of daily meditation practice to start seeing significant benefits. Obviously there are immediate benefits with every single meditation session.

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[Blue_Bird]

I’m not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I can’t get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. There’s a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so I’ll have to walk there in that. I’ve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. It’s happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

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[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I can’t get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. There’s a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so I’ll have to walk there in that. I’ve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. It’s happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

I'm so sorry, Birdie

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I’m not doing well. I ran out of my Thorazine so I got zero sleep tonight, I can’t get to the pharmacy till later in the morning when they open. There’s a huge snowstorm, 20 inches so I’ll have to walk there in that. I’ve just been laying here crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. I keep dissociating really badly. It happened for like 4 hours yesterday. Im sick of it happening. It’s happening more frequently lately. I just feel like isolating from everyone and everything.

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I'm sorry blue

[Blue_Bird]

Thanks Beth and Willow, I'm doing better now. I got my thorazine refill yesterday and finally slept last night. Also had a meeting with a career readiness instructor today so I'm starting the process to eventually working part time

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks Beth and Willow, I'm doing better now. I got my thorazine refill yesterday and finally slept last night. Also had a meeting with a career readiness instructor today so I'm starting the process to eventually working part time

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The whole forum loves a bluebird

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

The whole forum loves a bluebird

Thanks willow, the whole forum loves willowtigger too

How are you doing?

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having a cuddle with younger cat Willow before i go to my mum's

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

having a cuddle with younger cat Willow before i go to my mum's

That’s great

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[Blue_Bird]

I start my volunteer job tomorrow. I’m nervous but also really excited. I kind of wish today would hurry up and be over with so it can be tomorrow already so I can start.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I start my volunteer job tomorrow. I’m nervous but also really excited. I kind of wish today would hurry up and be over with so it can be tomorrow already so I can start.

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Good luck blue

[Blue_Bird]

Just wanted to update that today is my 3rd day at the volunteer job (it's every Tuesday, once a week this is my 3rd week) today will be my first day doing it on my own. I'm enjoying it a lot. It's fun to meet the different cats there every week and take care of them.

Tonight I'm going to the movie theater to see John Wick 4 with my friend.

I was dissociating a lot for a few weeks but it's gotten better the past several days.

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[-Astral-]

I am a live at this moment at lest

worried about Tigger's hip thats injured

she'll get cancer in it and it'll get to her brain then i'll die as well cause it'll prove fatal, Tigger dying will be fatal for me cause i know this to be fact

[Blue_Bird]

Hello been some time since I posted in here. Hope you all are well.

Im still dealing with a lot of dissociation , paranoia, and impulsivity. I may look into it and see if there’s any groups near where I live for people struggling with this disorder

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[Blue_Bird]

Oh yeah I forgot to mention I’m still volunteering with the place I mentioned in previous posts on this thread, with the cats. It’s going well. I love meeting all the kitties, taking care of them, and playing with them. One time I got extremely dissociated during it because it was an extremely stressful day. One of the cats was acting up and I didn’t know what to do. I texted the lady in charge of the organization (I’m always the only person there, aside from the actual employees in petsmart) and she told me what to do and I was able to do it and got the cat down from up above the cages near the ceiling (she wouldn’t come down and kept hissing and screaming if I tried to take her down

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