[MuddyBoots]

I have no clue what my plans for Xmas and new years will be. I don't even know where I'll be living at the time. I hope to be outta here. I mean it's not like I have any friends or family to spend it with. I'm a fking alcoholic/drug addict so Im supoosed to stay away from bars and clubs, although honestly if I'm not in sober living by then I'll probably just end up drinking anyways, alone/hidig from my roommate because he doesn't allow it.

My dx's are slow too. Schizoaffective as well (but I post in bipolar because that's my subtype and sometimes I'm dx'd with that instead because some docs insist my psychosis is substance induced and not real schizophrenia). BPD (though that's kinda bullshytty because apparently the person that diagnosed me with that only looked at 6 months of my record and I've been in an 8month long mixed state). Adjustment disorder (which isn't even a freaking subforum). Bulimia )There have been no posts in the last 365 days in this forum"). And addictions which speeds and slows.

[Victoria'smom]

Right now I'm just diagnosed with scizoaffective bipolar type and maybe PTSD. I've neglected to send my records over because I've been diagnosed with everything under the sun. I'm weary I'm going to get dx with BPD again. It's the sh, eating disorder, drug abuse, trauma combo that makes me think they're gearing up for this dx. Yet again and the referral to the PTSD clinic. We'll see.

[Blue_Bird]

I printed out the printable workbooks that came with my kindle DBT workbooks I have so now I can use them to make copies of the worksheets and do the exercises in them. There's like 3 packs of worksheets and chapter reviews, one is 63 pages, one is 60 pages and one is 30 pages. Yeah I printed ALL of that out last night lol I'm trying to work on it everyday throughout the day. I feel like it would be helpful for me especially since I have a history of trauma and BPD.

I'm kind of proud of myself because the other day I started dissociating badly. I managed to pull myself out of it though. It took a couple hours of watching shows/movies, and playing games to distract myself but after that it dissipated and I felt a lot more grounded. Typically the only way to pull myself out of them is going to sleep because it seems to reset my brain. But I'm glad I was able to do it this way.

I had my volunteer shift today with the cat rescue. It went well. I didn't feel like going mainly due to me being lazy and tired and I get anxious on the bus, I was thinking about backing out but I managed to push through it and get myself there and back. So I guess that would be the skill opposite action, doing the opposite of what your emotional impulses tell you to do.

Trying to meditate daily, journal, and exercise. And get out of the house more. I've been dealing with some agoraphobia so it's been difficult to get myself out. There's supposed to be a carnival coming up either at the end of this month or in August I forget when but I'm going to that. I'm also going to an adult coloring night at my local library later this month.

I have a violin lesson on Tuesday. Looking forward to it. Have to go pick up my meds tomorrow and the Vitamin D prescription so I can finally start that.

My diagnosis is Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type but I did have a history of BPD in the past I just don't meet the diagnostic requirments for it anymore however I still struggle with it on a daily basis I just do a decent job at controlling it now over the years with a lot of work

[jmariah001]

I was diagnosed with BPD a month ago. I am doing okay. I am new to this. I see that this thread doesn't post too often. I will start a new one and introduce myself. Hopefully that will stir some interest.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by jmariah001

I was diagnosed with BPD a month ago. I am doing okay. I am new to this. I see that this thread doesn't post too often. I will start a new one and introduce myself. Hopefully that will stir some interest.

You're probably not "new to this," just new to the dx. Same struggles, just a better idea of how to get better

[MuddyBoots]

Last week I got "The Borderline Personality Workbook" by Daniel J. Fox and have been working on it in my free time. The first part is understanding how BPD afffects you, how much of it probably developed from environment vs genetics, finding your attachment style and subtype. I like looking at and figuring out this stuff. It helps me see "oh, hey, this is a BPD thing," or "oh yeah, I do that, probably not the healthiest thing, and I can work to unlearn that and replace it with something else." Not sure how helpful it's going to be in the long run in terms of thinking/feeling/behaving in a more tolerable manner, but we'll see. Doing DBT atm in therapy too and practicing my skills as I'm taught.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Last week I got "The Borderline Personality Workbook" by Daniel J. Fox and have been working on it in my free time. The first part is understanding how BPD afffects you, how much of it probably developed from environment vs genetics, finding your attachment style and subtype. I like looking at and figuring out this stuff. It helps me see "oh, hey, this is a BPD thing," or "oh yeah, I do that, probably not the healthiest thing, and I can work to unlearn that and replace it with something else." Not sure how helpful it's going to be in the long run in terms of thinking/feeling/behaving in a more tolerable manner, but we'll see. Doing DBT atm in therapy too and practicing my skills as I'm taught.

I have that same workbook, it’s really good. I also have another DBT book by the same publisher new harbinger , called The Dialectical Behavior therapy workbook which is also really good. I printed out the accompanying worksheets that go with it since I got them as ebooks. You can find the printable stuff on new harbingers website. I like that I can make as many copies of the different worksheets as I like so I can do them over and over again

[MuddyBoots]

I was actually looking for that DBT workbook, but the bookstore didn't have it so I got the one I mentioned instead. The workbook kinda sucks to go through especially now that I'm at the part where I recognize my behaviors, benefits, and long term consequences, but it's obviously important to know that stuff so I can work on it.

I'm still working on DBT in therapy. I feel like (and my therapist agrees on this one) that I have the general knowledge of DBT perspectives and can think that way in my head, but I have a hard time actually feeling and applying that stuff.

[MuddyBoots]

By the way @Blue_Bird I love how you still have the one-foot avatar

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

By the way @Blue_Bird I love how you still have the one-foot avatar

Yup I kept it up

[Blue_Bird]

I dissociated yesterday evening. The only thing that helped it was going to sleep because that seems to reset my brain when nothing else is helping

[MuddyBoots]

Massively struggling with the highs and lows and rights and lefts today. I went to get groceries today, and of course every single Market Basket in NH has a liquor store nearby, usually in the same plaza at that. I've been super struggling with wanting to drink lately, but I managed to keep focused on getting my shyt and coming home. I'm not saying I didn't cry in the grocery store, again in the car, and again when I got back. I'm not saying I'm not trying so hard to fight off sui thoughts right now. But I guess I'm doing it so why should I or anyone else care that if the littlest thing happens right now I'm going to fly off the handle when I'm not there?

[Blue_Bird]

I had a much better day today than I had yesterday. For one, I didn't have a panic attack. Also something my friend ordered me came in the mail today so that was nice! I rearranged my furniture and it looks a lot better. I feel mentally balanced today. I did some exercises. I also meditated and journaled. I ate healthy, took my meds. Watched 2 movies, played some videogames, read and finished a book. Tomorrow will be even better because I'm adding back in the treadmill to my daily routine. I took a break from that due to lack of motivation. It's beena a week and a half since I started the vitamin D supplement my psychiatrist prescribed and my energy levels are soo much better it's unbelievable. I always thought my lack of energy was from my meds but maybe it wasn't. I was very deficient in vitamin D according to my bloodwork. Anyway, yeah good day today!

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Massively struggling with the highs and lows and rights and lefts today. I went to get groceries today, and of course every single Market Basket in NH has a liquor store nearby, usually in the same plaza at that. I've been super struggling with wanting to drink lately, but I managed to keep focused on getting my shyt and coming home. I'm not saying I didn't cry in the grocery store, again in the car, and again when I got back. I'm not saying I'm not trying so hard to fight off sui thoughts right now. But I guess I'm doing it so why should I or anyone else care that if the littlest thing happens right now I'm going to fly off the handle when I'm not there?

That's awesome you were able to avoid buying it, great job and be proud

[anywhereanyone]

new member w BPD

rn I'm kinda eery & confused & lost

[MuddyBoots]

Welcome to MSF @anywhereanyone! I hope you can find some solace here. Hope you're feeling better today.

[MuddyBoots]

"This too shall pass."

WHEN?????? Oh yeah, in ten minutes, but then that stupid mofo comes back like a boomerang.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing relatively good, I'm going to the movie theater tomorrow. By myself. So that will be nice, and a good way to challenge my anxiety about going places myself

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

"This too shall pass."

WHEN?????? Oh yeah, in ten minutes, but then that stupid mofo comes back like a boomerang.

I hate this too, it always passes but it always comes back It's so annoying.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm trying to learn to make wise mind decisions. I am a very impulsive person. So I'm trying to put the brakes on my impulsiveness and think through my actions and decisions more

Anyway, yeah my anxiety comes and goes lately. Sometimes it's there sometimes it's not. Sometimes there's days I panic and dissociate, somedays I have no panic or dissociation and feel great. Idk how to really predict it. I wish I could. I guess the best I can do is just get through it when it happens.

Some things that help me when I'm dissociating or panicking:

sleep really helps reset my brain

or

laying down under my weighted blanket and just closing my eyes helps too, with like a podcast or something on because I can't cope with silence it makes my anxiety worse

Other things that help:

Ice packs, I bought a 2 pack of ice packs awhile back on amazon, I always forget I have them in the freezer, but when I use them they are extremely effective at shocking me out of dissociation and panic

Sometimes watching shows or movies helps, or playing a game that requires focus.

Cleaning helps, it's a good distraction that requires physical activity. And a better environment equals better mental health.

[MuddyBoots]

I hate that you're right, Bluebird. I am very much in emotion mind right now and have no clue how to get into wise mind. Well, I can think like I'm there if I spend all my effort getting and staying there, but actually staying in and acting like I'm there? Different story.

[Blue_Bird]

trigger for drug use

Possible trigger:

I vaped thc/weed today after not vaping for over 30 days, I probably shouldn't be using that but I'm stuck on the idea that a lot of people find it helpful for their mood. The only issue I have with it is it increases my anxiety quite a bit. It's 100% legal where I live. I just am stuck on the idea that I'm gonna get off my meds and be able to control my bipolar/bpd with just weed. It doesn't help that my boyfriend smokes a ton of weed and encourages me to because he thinks it'll help. The difference between him and I though is he can handle a lot, I can't, and it calms him down, but for me it increases my anxiety. Idk if it's just because my tolerance is extremely low or what. Like yes it does feel good sometimes, but it's like a double edged sword because it comes with a lot of anxiety as well.

[MuddyBoots]

I got like two hours of sleep last night, and now I'm really hungover. Another day of fighting SI here we gooo

[Blue_Bird]

Proud of myself! Went to the movie theater by myself today! Really enjoyed the movie. That is something I’m gonna start doing more often

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I got like two hours of sleep last night, and now I'm really hungover. Another day of fighting SI here we gooo

I hope things improve soon for you