I thought it was all my fault

I was reading another persons post, and there was a website on there that explained more what BPD is. All the time when I thought about me having BPD, I thought it was all my fault...I felt it was a personality defect...a defect of who I am and what I can control I felt like I was weak to allow myself to have it. I felt maybe that BPD was a therapists nightmare and that maybe they think we are just out for attention. I think I read that somewhere. It makes me ashamed of who I am. Am I wrong??

Hi bigbear68

I feel just the way you do. It seems my therapists have always treated me different because of my BPD diagnosis. And gosh forbid, I do some minor self-injury...They go off on a tangent...just seeking attention, aren't you??? I despise the personality changes, and I thought with age they would subside. Unfortunately, at the age of 41 they are still prevalant. I do take several mood stabilizers which help a bit.

I dont mean to sound negative, my story is just that!

Good Luck,

Dee

Hi sweetie, no, BPD is not a cry for help or my favorite "it is all in your head" it is a genuine disorder that requires significant attention.......at least in the early stages.......you could say that behaviour attached to the disorder is "attention seeking" and in essence, it is. But not the way you think. I mean, is a suicide attempt attention seeking? No, It is a serious cry for help that needs to be addressed. That person is reaching out the only way they now how. Some of us are not as adept as others when asking for help. Some find it downright scary. I am one of them. I am getting better at it though.

I have had BPD for 15 years. Back then they did not have the internet and to do group therapy they would throw me in with people suffering DID and schizophrenia. Now I have friends with these illnesses but from a therapy perspective it was not healthy because we would all feed off each other. Disaster! I never met anyone with Borderline until I came on this forum 6 months ago, 15 years later. I led a very lonely existence. I was one of a kind. And i don't mean to be condescending, but the stigma was far greater back then due to the lack of understanding and most of my nurses in hospital would not be in the room alone with me. I was treated as a violent pariah. I was very lucky to be assigned a very good therapist whom I had for 7 years. She put up with all sorts of crap but she really cared about me and wanted to help me.

And babe, don't believe everything you read........be proud of yourself and your inate battle with this disorder to claim your right to a good life. Do not be ashamed........shout your process from the rooftops and stigma be damned! It will not be easy but you have a genuine right to heal and engage in healing with someone who wants to help you. It will happen!!! Ask the cynic or non believer if they would like to experience what you do......they shall run with their tail between their legs!!!!

In stillness...........

Dee, HI thanks for replying to my post. I am 41 too! I hope we both feel better soon. take care

Hi Michah, It seems like you really do understand a lot about BPD. I never really thought of it the way you say. What I am going to start doing is reading more about it, I will probably even start with your blog...lol
thanks so much for your reply, it is deeply appreciated.

I am glad I have offered an alternative perspective on our lives with BPD.......as it stands I have Borderline "traits" now. I have rallied and fought, I have given in and given up. But I have always been proud of my achievements. You cannot measure achievement by others standards. They do not know what you face. Now i accept and love unconditionally those traits that make part of my personality and think little of others opinions. I find that others will love you for that too.

I still struggle with anger and rage sometimes, I am still hypervigilant and sometimes think everyone shall run from me in blind panic but it doesn't happen and I learn to trust again. I have had people call me the worst names and people look on me in awe and horror and for those I have hurt, I have paid my dues. I have been taught humility, consequence and forgiveness. It is a struggle but you WILL make it.

I look at what I have as a gift now......as much as it has caused me much grief and sacrifice it has also saved me. My darker canine side(a borderline/schizoeffective thing. Happy to discuss it if you wish) has as much led me to temptation as it has as getting me out of it. Not all view it this way.

I hope you find my blog helpful........feel free to ask anything of me in terms of experience.......as you can tell I am not squeamish! I am still a work in progress and look forward to your input.

Be proud of yourself.........you are being the best you can be......