Can someone help me understand why I contunue to hurt myself?

Im recovering (well trying) from Bulimia, and I have other issues as well. Ive always had these issues, but for some reason, they seem to be really surfacing just this year.. its like their really bad/getting to me. (chronic back pain, ocd, adhd symtoms) It may be due to depression. Ive been prescribed Prozac, and I myself want to start CBT therapy all over again, I couldn't continue and they pretty much removed me from group.. I cant afford to be in an in treatment center and where im from not much is available. Im seeing a dietician now and therapist. Sometimes it feels as if im in this battle alone still.. which is one reason I really wana be back in group. Not only were group sessions therapy in itself, but I know cbt worked well for me. I was doing well, until some life stuff happened that caused me to be very depressed, and that fed into my ED becoming worse. And my health. I spiraled into anorexia. Was starting to do OK, but just this year I started something I havnt done in 2 years- binging.

I need to stop. ive never thrown up- I consider throwing up one of the most unpleasant things and try to avoid it at all costs. I recovered from all the main purging activitys like exercise, abuse of laxatives, sometimes though ill purge in other ways. like starving/restricting, exercising or overworking myself in some way, and sometimes use laxatives and diuretics when I feel needed. But im not really in a binging/purging cycle. Ive been better with feeding myself, and ive been still binging.
I feel, as if its not even the eating disorder sometimes. Ill feel good, and ill stil binge. I know though, part of it has to do with my self estem right now, ive gained weight and I hate it. I looked in the mirror today, and literally MISSED myself- myself before I started binging. My bmi is still considererd underweight.. but ether underweight or normal- I need the binging to stop. Its destroying me and I miss my life. I miss myself. I don't even feel like its ED that's making me binge.. idk what it is. Like I wana hurt myself.. I feel depressed and lack of hope.. im tired of failing. So, I don't even try. I feel like failure is almost a promise so, why try today. I feel like I cant even get back into the game of life right now , or enjoy it cus of the way I feel inside and out, so why try. Its like , I check out of life when I binge. Ill self talk very negatively when I binge and it makes it worse. Lately ive been not listening. I can tell that may be ed, trying to make it worse. I notice when I don't listen to the self talk the binges arnt as bad.
I have many things goin against me right now, but I also have MANY reasons to llive. And I know this, although I cant fully enjoy them right now because of my binging, I know I just need to remove the binging to move forward. (even in the worst of anorxia ya its hard to enjoy life but its not as self defeting as binging. I ddidnt feel like I was purposely hurting myself. I just felt like my ed was hurting me. Now I feel like I am the one whos hurting myself. And its easier to try to eat- and fight ed- than to try to break out of not eating/binging! I think)
today, I easily could have fed myself right, ive been having trouble with only wanting sweets.. I was starving and I could have made the effort to make a real meal for myself, but I displayed no will at all and spent money and fed my body junk. I was fooling myself thinking I could buy cookie dough, and only have SOME of it for dinner. When I went to the store I forgot my wallet too- I bet this was a sign I shouldn't be here! It was a second chance, and I STILL didn't take it. I went home to get my wallet and went right back.

ive treid the out of sight out of mind approach. Apparently this don't work. I tried the "abstiance makes the heart grow fonder " approach, but ive become hooked on foods I shouldn't. So, I kinda stoped this and instead of stalking up on my favorite treat things, ive stalked up on my favorite- better for me things . I wana train myself to want real meals and food. Before I only wanted junk food- I felt it wasn't real food so no real nutrition was goin in me. Now, I don't care wats goin in me I just eat too much of anything.

Im desperate. Please if anyone has any words ...

I think I need the courage to not give up . ive failed at a lot of things and it was the core of my depression, maybe failing at my ed, than the binging, is whats leading me to not even trying..

Yes, please don't give up! Have you tried individual therapy to see about other issues--that is, a therapy that's more of a talking thing?

I'm wondering if you are struggling with self-esteem and think you deserve to be treated badly or to suffer.

You are not a failure. Okay?

I asked my therapist the same question, she said I was replaying the abuse from my past and hurting myself to get back at the original abuser and my actions had taken on a personality of their own over the years.

We are worth so much more than hurting ourselves.

Don't give up. Whatever you do. It's hard to see this now, but it gets easier. Twenty years of my life were a complete nightmare due to binging and purging. I feel like I'm getting it back finally. It's hard work. And you're right. There is an element of self-punishment and self-harm to it, although many healthcare professionals don't see it in itself a form of self-harm so much as a disease or disorder. Just keep coming here, keep talking, keep doing whatever you need to do to get better. When you fall, get back up again. Someone told me early on when I was seeking recovery that I would fall many times. Thank god she did. It's why I stay: because I know it's possible, I can pick myself back up.