it is back but hope not to stay?

The up last 2 meals, and didn't eat anything else. How else to deal with this loss? What coping told are three instead of puking that feels as good? Probably just not to eat in the first place, which I was really trying to do... but... I messed up and are so had to get rid of it. Then once I get started, everything has to get out so I can feel completely clean. I never probably make it to that point, with everything- I mean everything- out. However, makes sense to not ever get that point if clean, so fitting for me. I will never be clean and good enough for you.
So I am not sure if it is back to stay. Only 3 times in the past 3 days, and 2 of those were today. Triggered by loss. By grief. By having no control over him leaving and punishment for ding everything to make him leave. Another trigger is the 17 year anniversary of when I first met him. And I think about that, and everything, and I just lose it. How could things have gone so wrong. I thought of all people in the world at least he could live and accept me no matter what. But I guess that only applies when he is paid to do so. I mean I get it, there's stuff going on in his life too. Things he has no control over, like at his work. Or in his family. One thing he can take it out on- not family, work clients, co-workers, or friends- take the easy target and take it out on me. Cause there's not any thing I can do about it. With work, he would lose his job. Family, wife could divorce him or could lose a relationship with his kids. He would not want to lose his friends, because he is caring to his friends and wants to keep them in his life. And he can't do that with co-workers out he could, again, lose his job. So take it out on me, do what you have wanted to do to others but can't. Or something. Who knows. Loving you anyways. I understand. Hoping to starve now so I won't have to puke.

((((Gentle Hugs))))