Cold Mother Syndrome/Emotionally Absent Mother

Good afternoon y’all,

I’m looking for others to talk to regarding growing up with an emotionally absent mother. I’ve researched Cold Mother Syndrome and have discovered the ramifications of a childhood with mom’s that are emotionally absent. It seems there was a lot of this in my generation. I’m in my late 40s and have struggled with depression and anxiety since childhood.

If anyone is in the same situation and willing to chat about it, please feel free to contact me here or via PM.

I am in my mid-40s and grew up with a mother who was emotionally unavailable, non-empathic, and very much disinterested.. unless she had a negative opinion about something we were doing. I concluded Narcissistic Personality Syndrome when I came across this checklist and scored her 29/33 points:

A mother - Emotionally unavailable, low to no empathy and ''disinterested'' - sounds like a destructive Narcissistic pattern, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Hi MsLady,

Oh my goodness, the Checklist you attached was like spot on. If it isn’t an imposition and if you are comfortable - can you share with me how this has affected you as the adult you grew into. It wasn’t until I started therapy after the passing of my dad that things started to chip away. As a child I always wondered why my mom didn’t like me. All of her shortcomings, were my fault. Through my lifetime there’s been a lot of shady actions but I never thought of it in this perspective. My sibling has indicated an awareness of all this.

I have only confided in my spouse, sibling and therapist. I just don’t understand.

Thanks Fuzzybear!

I don't mind sharing..

I've always felt "different" .. an "outsider looking in" .. the odd "elephant in the room" .. an "audience member" and "laughing track" (my assumed role growing up).. without an understanding as to "why" .. until I reached my 40 years of life.

I've always struggled with forming meaningful relationships and have an anxious/avoidant attachment style. This means I want/need a connection with others but my chronic fears pushes people away from me.

I gravitate towards narcissistic-like personality types, which apparently is quite common when being raised by an NPD parent.

I'm very independent which makes it hard for me to work as a "teammate" since I've spent the bulk of my life fending for myself. Some of this is due to my "latch-key" generation, so this "independence" and distrust in others are quite common in our generation. However, it's caused friction in my professional life.

All 3 of my relationships have been with codependents, which drew me in due to their high level of attention towards me. It was quite foreign to me at the time, and unfortunately, I saw it as a sign of "love". All 3 relationships were unhealthy.. two of which were abusive in different ways.. and all materialized before I became aware about my mother's presumed NPD.. my "ah-ha" moment.

I suffer from social anxiety and bouts of situational depression. I often feel lonely because I'm unable to connect with others on a deeper level. There's a constant fear/shame/guilt that plagues my day-to-day life.

I strive to please others.. to be helpful, supportive, and understanding, by over-extending myself. I've often taken the role of a therapist, life coach, and financial advisor. I'm a caregiver at heart.. and I think it's because I felt very much neglected, unloved, and disliked for so long.

I have a tendency of suppressing my feelings because at a young age, I was taught to keep my mouth shut, as to not "worry" others.. or create a perceived "conflict".. so there's a lot of deep seated anger and resentment within me.

When I started standing up for myself (towards my 40s), an uproar ensued within my dysfunctional family. My reputation was smeared within the extended family, and so I had no choice but to walk away from them all. If you were to talk with them, they'd describe me as cold-hearted, insensitive, and mean. My role in their lives was to service them in some way, which I did, up until that point, and without any credit or acknowledgment.

I am now struggling through my third relationship with a man who also exhibits traits of personality disorders. The covert abuse is similar to how my mother/siblings behaved. I'm alone in this world with 2 very young children and a bad reputation.. but I'm staying strong.

So yes, a mother's role hugely impacts their child's sense of well-being and security. I adopted the Attachment-Parenting model with my younger two children, to help me parent them in a healthier way.. to break a cycle. Unfortunately, I failed as a parent with my eldest, as I was unable to see and understand the bigger picture. Luckily, I'm aware now and have been able to rebuild my relationship with him, but since he is on the ASD spectrum, I've struggled with him in other areas.

At the end of the day, I've never felt loved beyond my children and I'm conscientious as to not develop unhealthy attachments with my kids.. which can be challenging.

I take each day as it comes.

All of your reply sounds unsettlingly like a carbon copy of my life. I’ve only just broached this threshold after years of depression and anxiety; a mom that just really was not there; and, finally breaking my silence and asking my only sibling about mom. Amazingly, I was not the only one although my sibling was somewhat favored. It’s like over the past twenty years mom has became much disconnected. She’s had a couple of marriages that ended in her being a widow but regardless of who she was married too - his children were the best. My sibling and I both see this commonality. Mom is so impressed with the fact stepbrothers work with government agencies...which, neither me or my sibling is a failure...we are both college educated and hold good jobs. She will drive a 100+ miles to see the steps but not one mile to see me 🤷🏻*♀️. She is so impressed with the socioeconomic stuff but I’m a private person and rarely speak of it.

I think this has become a vent rather than a reply! I’ve felt better since getting this out to other people - so, I guess there was genuine value.

Be well!

Some of this is very familiar. I tend not to always give many details (I'm generally a private person) but I can certainly relate to having a mother who greatly favoured male cousins and male steps over me. And even male ''god children''... I did not have any God parents.

Being her only cub, being a female seemed to make me appear to be a failure and not someone she wanted to connect with ....to her.... from when I was born. A Narcissist I believe. Or possibly mostly very depressed and disconnected due to an impossibly .... complicated, (abusive) and absent... ''marriage'' (which she was not ''able'' to ''leave'' until....(fades out)

Fuzzybear,

Thanks for chiming in. I understand about being a private person because I am generally “that person” too. I feel fairly comfortable here and who better to ask than those similarly situated in some form. I get what you are saying...it is overwhelming how much people’s lives can be so similar. Seems as if I see some trait in each person’s response that is a duplicate of my own.

I truly feel my mom was disconnected and depressed for a long time, likely from some questionable issues in her youth. Pure speculation but with good cause. Lots of questions regarding her childhood and youth that still are unknown. Maybe it’s just a viscous cycle but...those are meant to be broken, right?

Be well!

I think my mother also had some questionable issues in her youth (I can definitely think of some..)

I once said to an aunt something about the parental units ''marriage''

It was actually a ''sham''.... harsh I know, but ''true'' sadly.

I have no idea why I said that to the aunt. As expected, she completely invalidated me with a one liner...

''That's your opinion''

Thank you so much ''Aunty''... not

The other aunt ''hated'' me even more.

I am not sure what happened to them when they were very young, they seemed to be quite ''spoilt'' (as the mother had told me I was.... completely untrue, I experienced emotional neglect and abuse, bordering on physical neglect ) They were certainly very ''well off'' money wise. Something that the Narcissistic - probably Sociopathic - paternal unit found attractive... for a time. He LOVED money and spent all of it on himself and his bytches (the mother and I wore... not literally rags.. but usually horrible second hand clothes GGrrrrr.

No wonder I turned into a bear, right?

Sorry about the rant.

Thanks for this thread, I also think that the cycle (or whatever it is) needs to be broken. I think being able to share more openly than most will ''permit'' (irl) can be healing.

Wow! Your story is extremely similar to mine. I walked away as well and was demonized for it. After a while, you don't really care anymore. They are the bad ones, not me. In spite of it all, I managed to be a good mom to my kids, so they have told me, not because I was good at it. I had no clue how to properly raise a child, but I sure as hell knew what NOT to do.

WW

I come from a dysfunctional family and married an emotionally abusive man. We later divorced after I ran away from him. My mother is very cold and has no sympathy for anybody except for herself. My brother is also the same way and suffers from victimized syndrome. I realized some time ago despite my illness that this is my life and that although my parents did not show me how to act properly or be whole as a person, I am responsible for my actions and feelings. I am happier now because I am alone and doing things on my own. I think being independent and having the freedom to do as you please is important. I would distance yourself from your mother or other toxic family members. I have done so and so far am doing well. The only thing I worry about is my mental health. I have been taking my medication faithfully daily ever since I have been on my own. I also realized I am attracted to abusive men and don't want to get involved with men anymore. I am currently in contact with another abusive man and am trying to distance myself from him. He is not good for me and I know this so I keep my contact to a minimum. I am trying to focus on my work and sleep when I can. This has helped me to feel good about myself. If I did nothing all day and worried about my past and my family, I would not be stable. I feel blessed about my situation now. I am free and know I must continue to work for my independence and remain stable to remain healthy. Hopefully, you can find something to keep your mind off from thinking about your family and stay away from abusive relationships.

It is the most gut wrenching thing to realise that you weren't loved or wanted by your own mother. I used to listen to the Kate Bush song Love and Anger over and over

"If you can't tell your sister
If you can't tell a priest
'Cause it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
To anyone
And you tell it to your heart?
Can you find it in your heart
To let go of these feelings
Like a bell to a Southerly wind?"

and tell myself "she doesn't love me" and if I had told anyone they wouldn't have believed it (so I thought) as she put on a decent show. It made me so angry and sad. When I realized that I had been convinced as a child that I shouldn't exist, so I tried to take my life when I was a teenager, and it wasn't until I found some independence that I realized how she had everyone wrapped around her finger.

She got motor neurone disease, and she came to my house to tell me that she was ill. She brought flowers and tissues. I didn't want to cry about it and I told her that I would help her, that she still had lots of life in her, and lots of days to make the most of. She told me she was glad that she was ill and didn't have to work anymore...I could tell how angry she was that she couldn't make me cry.

Even on her last days she managed to divide the family with lies so that even when I was right beside her offering as much comfort as anyone could in that situation, I was getting abuse off other family members who just chose to leave the room when she was passing away.
I don't know where her problems came from. I know her mother was cold, and she got ill when my mum was a baby, and left her and my auntie who was 2 in a care home for weeks. My mum doted on my Grandma too, even though she was cold. I don't blame her, but it chills me how it warped my mind as a child. I'm glad I got to realise how she was and wasn't kept in the dark like my brother who thinks he was a problem child, then got to be the golden child when my sister fell from grace. I was the scape goat, and I'm thankful I was pushed out rather than kept at heel.

This list describes my mother v well. When I started loosing weight she sabotaged, but also told me she would give me money for every stone I lost. It killed her that I wouldn't take her money, but she had no real generosity, just wanted credit for anything I achieved.

It sucks that I figured her out, but it took another eight years and a marriage to figure out that I was in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. It's really insidious. Thanks for this thread @SomeoneToUnderstand

I don't know
I find it hard to understand how she behaved
She has been cold, didn't have the patience to understand i was going through changes in my teens and early twenties
She didn't speak to me and behave in a proper way when i was young, both my parents have been childish and this eventually caused me to mature late in life
I did **** up my life myself, anyway.
I was aware of many things and behaved stupidly.

This is an interesting thread. I check approximately half of that list with my mother, and I think I may be or perceived as guilty of 1-2 of those as a mother. Most of those statements are half true for my mother and me.

We all respond to things differently. I quickly learned to fly under the radar to avoid getting too controlled. I have a big fight/flight response to bad treatment.

With compassion, I want to address that although the dysfunctional relationships have spanned generations (who knows how many?), the people had real hardships and that is why the chain continued. Yes, bad ways can be changed and the cycle can improve. We now see these toxic behaviors spelled out for us in black and white and it is now easier to change, whether by maintaining some or no contact.

I also commiserated with my sisters, when it started to occur to me, in more recent years that something may be wrong with Mom, and asking them if they experienced the same and was it abuse? But, I warn you about confiding, because it backfired on me big time. I had so hoped my sisters would stand up to our mother with me, but one turned on me and the other remains very distant from our mother who has even more conflict between her and Mom, so certainly didn’t go to bat for me. However, I totally, always had their backs and would confront Mom to stop abusing them when it would occur. I’m not saying I’m a victim. I just had idealistic expectations and had to reframe that those ‘close’ people don’t think as much of me as I did of them.

There’s also been a pattern of the women in my family having issues with their men (volatile marriages, unrequited love involvements). I am curious if this is a part of this.

Thank you so much for posting this list. I've always felt like I'm just being dramatic about the situation between me and my mom, but I answered yes to almost every question on that list. I'm not an adult yet so I'm still stuck with her for a bit, but understanding what's going on will definitely help me deal with it.

All of this resonates with me, too. I figured out that my dad was an emotional bully awhile back, but somehow I always believed my mom was blameless up until the day she cruelly discarded me. (A covert narcissist all along.) It sucked when I found out, but it has also been one of the best things that happened. Finally, after all these years I realize where all the anxiety, lack of confidence, and people pleasing come from. I finally see that I’ve never had the opportunity to share my feelings with either of my parents . Not a single heart-to-heart talk in all those years. Just fearing to speak up and going along with almost everything they wanted. No wonder I’ve been trying to run away my entire life.

I agree with this. Dispite having multiple siblings, I have yet to discuss this with them. They are aware about the CEN and abuse but opening up about narcissistic behaviours is a risk, and mainly because two of my siblings now behave in this same way. It's not always wise to share this with other family members. It can definitely backfire.

I have an emotionally absent mother. The book "The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed" by Jasmin Lee Cori has helped to me understand this issue. Maybe that can help you determine exactly which things you missed as a child, and how they affect you today.
In terms of how I cope with this: I do not look for an apology from her or even my father. I try to look at which people are present in my life, and show me genuine love. By feelings their love, I am able to love myself--and that is the start of healing

I see myself in your comments. Especially about thinking that my mom was blameless and wanting to run away. I have always tried to run away but did not even realize I was trying to run away. As a child, I would spend all day at the neighbors house, as a teen I went to attend college in another city, As a college student I would go on excursion and trips during the breaks so I wouldn't have to go home, As a college graduate I went for a graduate degree in a whole other continent.
I think when you try to run away, it shows that you understood something was wrong, you knew that you were happier anywhere else than there, and that you were not scared to chase it! I think we should be happy we had to strength to run away. In my case, it made be realize the abuse, but also who I was. Although I'm still figuring out that last point. Cheers to you

It takes a lot of courage to own-up to what is really going on in our lives. Thanks, Cestdidi, for doing just that, and many hugs for your healing path.

I didn't really start to formulate solid theories about why our childhood was so difficult, until I was in my mid 30's. And I wouldn't say my mother was necessarily narcissistic, either. I think these things can occur without the presence of that particular mental issue.

In my family's case, I believe now it was history repeating itself, the old nasty cycle of harshness being passed down through several generations. A child learns what they live, as the saying goes.

A few of us escape that cycle and some even succeed in breaking it. I never had any children of my own, so I'll never know how I would have been as a parent. But I do intend to carry on working on myself for the foreseeable, as there are so many aspects of my psyche that this situation has affected.

One thing I did know at a very young age---That I would never, under any circumstances, talk to child the way my parents did, so discourteously and hypocritically rude and dismissive. It was just one weapon of theirs, and it had lasting effects, you bet. I am still that way, today. I do not believe children should be overlooked or mistreated in any way. It is too painful an existence for them. Their shoulders are too small to carry that kind of weight. They don't possess the experience or perspective to help them through it.

Massive, understanding hugs to you all.

It's like I am reading my story, except a few lines here & there Stay strong dear . I can understand your pain.

Hi, i have just found you guys talking about unavailable moms. i wish there was a way for us to dialogue more easily. I came to my realization late, too, that something was soooo wrong. why?