[Kbutler911]

I don't remember many of the injuries when I was younger, I have come to the conclusion that an injury to my neck in the early period of my 6th year alive has led to a degenerative condition. From 6 to 15 I consider to be the worst years of my life. I was not only self-destructive but incapable of even the most basic of human interactions. I have reason to suspect that lack of proper parental support amplified my psychological perspectives at that time in regards to how severe the pain really was but defining definitive correlation has been difficult.

Then comes the time when I can see a physician without parents and without the stigma that is commonly placed on drug seekers in today's society. My primary care physician went through the standard treatments and diagnostic testing as well as referral to specialists. Outwardly and inwardly everything appeared healthy yet the pain was reaching a tipping point where everything including my freedom was at stake.

My introduction to opiates: I don’t remember the first prescription, at the time I had shelves full of bottles and my knowledge was limited. I had already given up on any hope of a pill curing my ailments. So on one of my bad days I moved the collection of prescription bottles around until I found a box I had never opened. I figured even if it knocked me out for a couple days it would be better than the alternative so I opened the box and took one of the individually packaged pills. Fioricet and the taking of it are perhaps the first and one of the few memories of what I can only interpret as happiness. I was able to run up stairs, go outside in the blinding sun, and enjoy having conversations with other people. I informed my primary physician of this and it wasn’t until years later that I finally understood his lack of surprise.

At this point things quickly changed. After 10 years of misery having never known what movement without pain was like the short term effects of 4 hours of relief were torturous. In my naiveté I treated the pills like any other substance and took them as my body resorted back to pain. Within months I went from Fioricet to alternating strengths and types of hydrocodone as well as many other lower level opiates in an attempt to maintain the relief. My doctor failed to realize that the prescriptions of a bottle with 100 tablets including 3 refills were being used in a month. I would return at the end of the month and request an alternative opiate medication in order to combat the tolerance from the other.

This went on for approximately two years. I think my doctor realized what had happened but took pity on me and continued to work with me to find a solution. Despite having achieved relief discovering what withdrawals and detoxing were at the age of 16 the hard way made me desire something more effective. I had renewed hopes that since I had discovered one chemical that alleviated my symptoms another must exist.

The next 6 years were spent trying alternative treatments but always resorting back to opiate medication. It became so difficult to sustain my dependence that at one point I had 3 doctors giving me vicodin, duragesic patches, and Actiq suckers as well as the other medications I would purchase from other people. My consumption grew with my desperation until when the doctors realized what had happened they refused further treatment.

This did not have the desired effect they would have wanted. Fueled by anger I became my own doctor and self-prescribed anything and everything I wanted. I felt entitled to live the life I watched others live and refused to go back to coping what was my reality.

I’ll skip the parts where this course of action failed spectacularly. Anyone with any idea of chronic pain and opiate dependence probably already understands the methods used. My last relationship ended approximately 8 years ago. Even with the medication I was no longer happy and was unable to maintain any form of social relationship. My goal became sobriety. I believed that maybe during my 8-10 years of opiate use the underlying conditions which caused my misery may have disappeared. That all my current symptoms were a result of the drugs themselves. Over the course of 2 years I struggled with one of the most difficult challenges in my life. I lapsed repeatedly and found myself in many problematic situations.
But I am stubborn and knowing what I wanted I forced myself through my second stage of hell on this earth and achieved my goal. I figured it would take time for sobriety to undo the damages caused by the drugs. So I pushed on for a couple years trying things like chiropractic and homeopathic treatments for the symptoms.

Finally I decided maybe there was still an underlying condition, so I started to pursue specialists with explicit instructions that I would not take any treatment unless a substantial diagnosis could be determined. I’ve been hypertensive my entire live. Even my early years at doctors’ offices my blood pressure would be pre to stage 1 hypertension. Now my levels are near a category all their own. My average BP is 170/120 with lows of 150/100 and spikes of 200/140. I allowed the doctors to treat this symptom but I was forced to demand further testing as they cared less for my quality of life then they did the length of it. All the tests just show a body that is expected of someone twice my age. The carpal tunnel was a waste of a $3000 test as my wrists were not even a bother for me at the time. The neuropathy in my leg was of little surprise because I diagnosed it myself before they wasted more time and money on confirming the problem. The spondylosis in my lower and upper vertebrae was enough to at least get them to respect my knowledge in the area and to take me seriously when describing symptoms and potential treatments.

Regardless of this fact several more years have passed. I no longer waste time with physicians and as time passes my desire for any interaction lessens to the point where I just want to be left alone to do my work. I’m 28 and already suffered a heart attack despite having no physical or cardiovascular ailments aside from my blood pressure. The doctors agree that it is likely the duration and severity of pain has stressed my body resulting in hypertension. I have a couple other theories such as either vascular or muscle damage preventing proper oxygenation to my brain resulting in signals to increase my blood pressure to prevent parts of my brain from suffocating.

Long story short I do not expect to live long and to be honest I am not bothered by this. I do not consider myself depressed because all I have really done is accept the circumstances of my situation. Medical science is unable to substantiate the problems I endure and I see no reason to prolong a life for a body that will continually begin to fail at an exponential rate.

I do at times reconsider opiates though. In fact recent studies have shown that non treatment of pain can often be physically worse than dependency on opiates. But I already know where that path will lead. No amount of medication will ever remain enough to sustain a functional lifestyle. Even taking Alieve more than one day in a row results in rebound pain which can cause me to become bed ridden. If I were to ever resume opiate treatment it would have to be done so I know that the dose as well as the supply would never be insufficient.

Currently I use stimulant medication (against doctors’ advice) to allow me to continue to focus and be constructive in my daily activities. I do not like these medications because they often amplify the pain at times but I have no psychological dependencies in regards to prolonged use nor do I wish to use them consistently. And despite what is considered definitive medical fact stimulants have had a negligible effect on my hypertension. They may actually be reducing the periods of spikes because as a result at the end of the day I have actually used enough energy to allow myself a couple hours sleep before the pain wakes me back up.

I have taken treatment very seriously. I have seen psychologists and psychiatrists, neurologists and pain specialists, councilors and even priests. My last physician told me “No one wants to suffer the way you describe. There is more to this issue than psychological symptoms it is just that medical science is not advanced enough to find out what is wrong”

I probably should have written this in a journal for my own reference but a newsletter in my email prompted me to ask this question that no doctor, specialist, relative or associate has ever been able to adequately answer for me.

“What would you do in my situation?”

[Leed]

I can relate to alot of what you say. I've been a chronic pain patient for over 25 years, and am also a recovering alcoholic, with close to 19 years sobriety. BUT -- I must take opiates to control the chronic pain. I DO only take the amount prescribed -- I've never taken more than I was supposed to because I'm afraid I'll go back to the "old world" of uncontrolled addiction, and I never want to go back there again. Of course I realize that I'm probably physically dependent on these meds, but that's a far cry from addiction.

These meds have NEVER taken all the pain away -- I've never been what I can call "comfortable" in the whole 25 years. But without the meds, I cannot walk, writhe in pain, cry, sob, and you name it. So they at least take the edge off. That's all I can expect, I guess. The amount that it would take to make me "comfortable" is prohibitive.

So that's all I do -- I just maintain. And I've had a heart attack too, even tho all tests say that my heart is in great shape.

Best of luck to you. I wish you comfort and peace. Hugs, Lee

[Kbutler911]

Thanks for the reply, I wish you the best of luck with your continued path. A word of caution involving the use of NSAIDS. They have been linked to cardiovascular disease and failure. Actually pretty much every non opiate pain reliever is worse for you than any class of opiate. Yet they are more commonly prescribed and administered. The fact that fear is in control of practitioners makes me wonder the number of people who suffer needlessly

[littlebitlost]

Thanks so much for sharing. Am not in a good enough state for much more than clicking HUGS, but wanted to say HAVE HOPE! I'm also an addict with chronic pain.

I honestly don't know what I would do.

Probably fall back into addiction/death. I'm only 5 months clean, and am NOT a strong person.

HONESTLY, (take this with a grain of salt, as this is a newly clean addict, with many personal problems and crappy health, and I'm also tired, and have never been known for good judgement) I would probably assess your pain/problems/joys/situations, and work out if it really IS all worthwhile. I'd run it past some good friends who really CARE about YOU, and wait a bit and see if you still think it's logical in 6 months or so.

Health conditions ARE manageable, if a bit suckily, and your life is probably truly worthwhile and meaningful, to many, and a good care plan with your doctor, meds/good rest/stuff that helps could be a good option.

I know here in Australia, for addicts/alcos there is a Pain Management Clinic specifically for us. I'd look into it, if you haven't already.

*huggy*