New. Struggling with some stuff.

Hey y'all. Found y'all through my girlfriend, who is on here for other stuff. She pointed out this sub-forum and I hadn't seen much in the way of stuff for combat vets w/ ptsd in places. Anyways.

I've been struggling a lot in the past year, mostly since I left the army in april, with a lot of different stuff. I'm tired of telling the same story over and over again, so this is the basic super-condensed version.

Went in to see the doctor in 2008 'cause I thought I might have diabetes (poor sleep, couldn't stay awake, couldn't remember anything, depressed/angry/myriad of other boring stuff), and they sent me to do a sleep test. Sleep apnea/hypersomnia. Gave me a CPAP machine -- slept better and felt more rested, but I was still bouncing off the walls with anger and just a general a-hole to be around. Went to mental health and they app diagnosed me with PTSD -- I was never told this, just that the psychologist I was seeing wanted me to come in and do some group meetings on wednesdays. Fast Forward to April --

I get out, and I move back home to stay with my folks. Can't find a job and am on unemployment. I start to notice that I'm angry at everyone and everything 90% of the time and (what I now know to be) my declarative memory is completely shot. Give me three numbers and ask me to repeat them back to you five minutes later and I can't. I mean, really simple stuff like the date and time of my first VA appointment had to be written down. It's gotten (somewhat) better, but that's mostly because I have Amy. Without her, i'm a complete mess -- She didn't move in w/ me until october, and when she wasn't living with me it was sooo much harder. Anyways.

I went to do all the VA stuff and am/was being seen by one of their trauma services psychologists/psychiatrists/whatever.

I don't really know where I was going with this when I started...just trying to get the important stuff out before I forget other important stuff. Anyways. Deployed to Iraq in 2005-2006 as a combat documentation specialist (comcam), did mostly video w/ 1st BCT 10MTN, 2/502 101st ABN, and XVIII ABN units in and around Baghdad. I didn't know where I was half the time.

I only got into like three or four ticks and I never really considered them to be hard or bad or anything like that, but from talking with the guys at the VA and everything they're saying to me is that I have PTSD and they gave me some meds that I haven't and probably won't take. I don't want them to medicate me into being someone completely different, I want them to fix me the way I was, when I could go to clubs and bars and not get that "I need to GTFO right now" feeling when people start cramming up against me, and be able to spend more than an hour in the mall/shopping/driving around with Amy before I start wanting to go home and not have to deal with people. I've noticed, and I don't know if it's a symptom or if I'm just changing as a person or whatever, but...I'm an out and out racist. Perfectly understandabe (and acceptable, for me) for the arabs, and I think that when I look at people I'm putting them in one of two categories, either threat or 'I can take him.'

The thing is...I just...I don't quite know how to put it. It's not 'active' for me it's not like a i-think-about-this-crap-all-the-time, but its just /there/. I just don't understand it. I've looked around and done my research on PTSD and combat PTSD and MTBI's and everything, and I /do/ 'fit' the combat PTSD symptoms, but it's like....I've got at least a dozen friends that're still in and some that aren't that have PTSD, too, and I just...I don't 'relive' anything or have flashbacks. I wasn't exposed to a whole lot and I just don't understand how I have PTSD. I'm just so confused, and the VA's not helping matters much at all. I talked briefly with one of the advocates for filing for disabilities and stuff, and she said that the VA won't consider PTSD claims w/out five separate incidents and they'll want a bunch of information that I can't remember (I don't think I knew where I was or what day it was in the first place half the time). It's just rough because I mean...with a lot of people, you know, they have something they can pin all this on and something/someone to (even misguidedly) channel all their anger and frustration at, and what I get is "Well, you know, it's not uncommon for just being in that situation." So I get to be mad at the whole of the middle east. Thanks, life.

Short and skinny:
I battle a lot with
A) Do I /really/ have PTSD?
and
B) If I /do/ have PTSD, do I really deserve anything for something this 'mild'?

Clinically, I guess it would be considered mild. Practically for me, not remembering what day it is, where your keys are, was that a left or a right turn, and having to have your girlfriend write down exactly what she wants on her hamburger, despite having ordered the same exact thing for her 50+ times is /not/ mild. I feel a lot of times like the dude in Memento that had all of the important stuff tattooed on him and sticky-noted to himself.

Sorry for that being so long. any help and stuff would be appreciated.

SpcL, hi...and welcome.
Sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

Jmo/jme because we don't DX anyone...we share what it was like for us and what we are doing about it.
SpcL, the actions/inactions and the thoughts are right at the top of the list for PTSD symptoms.
Before I say anything else, please hear this; this is not mild, it might be denial of PTSD but it is not mild in nature.
Do you really think what is happening with you is normal? There is a thing called Shut Down...as in stuff the feelings and tough it out. Ain't as easy as it sounds, is it?
And it might be the reason you are not having the flashbacks...yet.
We also tend to think that we didn't really see the "bad stuff." In reality, we saw plenty, swallowed long and hard, and behaved as though the events were common due to the circumstances of war.
BS. Nothing, absolutely nothing, seen in war is common. It's horrific and the perimeters of the heart become impenetrable...on guard 24-7, 365.

You mentioned MTBI...your own?
Your research has shown you the effects this is having on the brain...what is your compensation ratio? Memory and personality changes are part of it as you know, SpcL.

GTFO...the door did not hit my *** as I left

Startle reflex in super drive?
My last episode I hit the floor while shouting 'Incoming" when a chopper flew near my house...house is located near a military installation.
Shouting and running through my head was the fear we wouldn't have enough blood in the OR again.

Sitting with your back to the wall in a restaurant? I still do and so does my ex.
Ditto on checking the tree line for snipers and yeah I can take 'em or reaching for the sidearm I no longer carry.

Re racism. I was before I ever left Nam. My buds have admitted the same thing. It's frigging hard not to be when they are shooting at you...or you are taking care of the wounded.
My nursing sisters and I hated taking care of enemy combatants. SOP was our guys came first, any women or children second, them last.
We would bribe each other or call in markers so we didn't have to deal with them.
It took years for that to ease...but it did ease.

SpcL,
You left behind that man; he's gone. Period.
The new you is still in development...try and be patient.
but
Grieve over this loss.

You are taking steps to adjust to civilian life. It takes time. Length of service is not related to the adjustment and neither is your area of deployment/MOS.
Doing this takes courage and I salute you for doing it.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing...we care.
I care.

Thank you for your service to our country, SpcL.

In Peace
Catherine

Thank you for your words. Yeah, I def. do try to put my back in the corner. I just don't understand /why/.

To answer one of your questions, no, I don't have MTBI (closest I ever came was the truck in front of me hitting 2 155's). That and a couple of other things are the only real things that I had happen -- I want to be more forthcoming and honest, since a lot of times I just let people draw their conclusions about what I may have seen or been involved in.

There was that incident, another one where I went out to do happy snaps for a mortar pit 10th mtn had put in...ended up going around the complex taking pictures of the guys in the towers. Well, came back and just as we were getting out of the truck to go to the TOC, hadji decided to drop a care package of 3 mortars, no one injured.

Another time we were out in some village and got invited in for chai tea (which IMO was awesome -- got to play with some of the kids, who are obsessed with cameras). Coming out though, some d-bag hadji thought it'd be fun to take pot shots....again, no one injured (but def. rattled me up a bit).

I just struggle w/ stuff because it's like... 'deserve' isn't the right word, but it's like....All these guys, straight up infantry, go through so much of this and tons more and are fine...I'm there for four months, only in three real ticks, and I'm the one that has all this to deal with? It just doesn't make sense and I feel like a tool whenever I talk to other guys. I guess I'm just scared of being labelled a faker, like so many of the fobbits that try to claim stuff.

Thank you for listening/reading, though, and THANK YOU for your service, Catherine. I could not have done or gone through what y'all did.

In your search for info, did you happen upon this website? You might find it helpful......

http://www.ptsdsupport.net/combat_ptsd.html

Junerain, that is a really good site...

and it reminded me of IAVA

http://iava.org/

Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of American

unparalleled support and resources dedicated to Vets of these wars...
Left side has listings for various needs of the Vet

brain fog that I didn't add it last night

SpcL, I hope you let us know how you are doing.

In Peace

SpcL,

Welcome to PC. Its real sad that it is under these circumstances, but it is nice to know WE have a place to share.

Hey C.....sssooooo good to hear from yaaaaa.....my friend..........

I guess, in relation to your post SpcL, it was just last tuesday, I asked the psychologist I see, and have been for a few years now, who is a board certified expert in traumatic stress, is it possable to forget an incident immediately after it happens?

The answer to my question was very simple. Her answer was "thats ptsd".

And anger was the first symptom.

I guess anything after this would require a trigger icon.

I specifically asked this question referencing one military incident, that left my brain/mind blank for an entire year......

.......in time............

RE: Racism.........I was not a racist......because....I hated EVERYBODY...

........a portion of my military traumas stem from inside the ranks......

...........sparrowstail....ole soldier....82-84.....bigredone...2ndacr...........
................trng acdnts..........bdr patrl.............and........

......learning how to close the book and put it back on the shelf........knowing were it is...........and.............taking the book of the shelf.........opening it up and using it when or as needed.......then putting it back on the shelf......were it belongs..............

Thanks. I'm already a member of the IAVA. occasionally pop onto the chat room at psychcentral. Just never really met anyone there that could relate. I don't think that I 'forgot' any incidents that would have happened...of course, Idon't guess I would remember forgetting, eh? I've been meaning to go back and watch my tapes that I recorded, I just don't have a mini-dv player or camera to do so with.

I feel like no one can relate to the kinds of situations _I am in, either.....so....perhaps no matter WHAT the original situation is, the feeling of being 'unrelateable....' is something everyone can relate to!!

SpcL,
usual disclaimer of jmo/jme

Please don't compare your experiences with those of anyone else...that is also a bit of a giveaway re PTSD.
We tend to minimize/belittle our own experiences, and that can generate shame and guilt.
And big time confusion...

Casual mention of the time frame and "only in three real ticks" belies the affect it has had on you. Trying to balance it out with the event with the tea and kids is helpful, but it does not take away being on alert, what I call high alert because we know full well that in a nano second that situation can change.
Jmo, but I think you may have witnessed more than you know--loss of memory, possibly. Not aware of the intensity of a situation, very likely.

You are no slacker, SpcL.
A man of courage and honor, yes.
Please do not think you don't deserve the benefits due you.
You earned every one of them...every one.

Were you speaking of chat here at PC or IAVA?
Personally, I find my needs are met better in a chat designed for Vets, PTSD in general has many commonalities but Combat PTSD has it's separate issues.

Please keep checking in...you do not have to do this alone...unless that is your choice.
Ya got people willing to stand with you as you start this new journey.

In Peace