i went to see a counselor today

he took his cousin away from me tonight. we were really, really close, but he made her stop talking to me, so i started cutting again.

i just want to drive off and stop existing.

veggy...please try and listen to what my heart is trying to say, because it may not make it into actual words.
You love this man; I understand this
You have done your best to help him; I understand your loyalty.

No one is worth SI. Your frustration and anguish are being directed at yourself, but you did not cause this situation... however, you can cope with it in less painful ways.
You do not have to accept his mental and verbal abuse.

Please reconsider seeing a counselor...one with experience re domestic violence. Even if he has never hit you, he is still abusing you.

You are a worthwhile human being deserving to be treated with respect...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing,
Catherine

i didn't do it because i thought i was worthless or anything. it's just when the panic attack hits, i can't calm myself down any other way. i felt a little better after i did it, but i started getting worse again and took ativan, clonazepam and trazadone.

It's good to know that you realize that you are a good woman, deserving of respect.
I'm glad you were able to stop the urge to do it again, veggy.
Are these the drugs you usually use to help you? I offer my apology if I'm being nosy...
Jmo, but what I hear in your words is your desire to "come up for air" for lack of better words. There have been times when I've felt like I was drowning in so many mixed emotions...panicking and fearful of what was happening to me.

I sincerely hope things get easier for you.

oh don't worry about being nosey. i had a prescription for ativan from when i was awake for 4 days straight, and my doc won't give me more and she doesn't want to give me more clonazepam either because they're addictive, but i believe i still need them. she gave me trazadone to try for sleeping since i never sleep, but it doesn't work, like the last 5 things we tried.
otherwise i take buspirone and lexapro, but lexapro is giving me sexual side effects so i may be off that soon.

Considering everything you are going through, and not sleeping, I think you are doing a good job of taking care of yourself.
Clonazepam is definitely an addictive drug...perhaps there is something else that she would be willing to prescribe for you, though.

I hope you are able to get some rest tonight, veggy...heading for bed myself so I hope I get some myself.

i doubt i will, but i'll definitely try.
the clonazepam doesn't work that well in my opinion, i prefer ativan. well, i actually prefer them both together lol but we'll see what she says when i call her tomorrow. i figure i should let her know it was bad enough to cut.

i hope you get rest too. sweet dreams.

my doc said no sleeping pill will work for me. she says i have to get things sorted with my ex or my anxiety will never let me sleep. but he won't speak to me so i can't fix things and/or get closure.

and now he is ignoring his family, making his aunt cry and skipped out on his cousin's birthday that they planned for over a week for him to come visit her. he sat online all day and ignored their phone calls and messages. his cousin is like my best friend, which he doesn't know... and i haven't been trying to talk to him so he just keeps getting worse.

in 2 and a half months he has managed to block out me, the woman he planned to marry and have kids with, and the majority of his family that has never done anything wrong to him.