[Troy]

I was never as afraid in combat as I am of my first scheduled visit to a mental health clinic for ptsd evaluation. I've skipped the previous 2 appointments (fortunately I could blame weather), but this one is coming up and I'm trying to keep the appointment.

People tell me that this could be the beginning of recovery, but the feeling I have in my bones is that this will be the beginning of the end, that the visit will be the first of many that will wreck my last shred of sanity and ruin the few remaining relationships that I have. The scheduled visit has me more afraid than I was at any time in combat.

Pray for me

[bebop]

Troy it is baby steps hon. you don't have to go too indepth right away. talk as much as you are comfy with and leave the rest for another time hon. Remember this is stuff you have been dealing with since the 70's and it is going to take a long time to get down to the root of it all. let the therapist know how you feel about this up front. hang in there hon.

[Dark_Dreams]

but the feeling I have in my bones is that this will be the beginning of the end, that the visit will be the first of many that will wreck my last shred of sanity and ruin the few remaining relationships that I have.

or it could be the one thing that will strenghten that last shred of sanity and help save and even create relationships.

I know how stressful this can be but you have taken the first step by making the appointment. Please take it easy on yourself. It takes a strong person to admit they cannot do it all alone.

let us know how it goes. You will be in my thoughts

Is the person you will see familiar with combat related distress?I think your concerns are reasonable.Can you go in with a note stating...this is a list of what may trigger me.This is how I feel and what I am concerned with.Have them read it before saying anthing to you at all.Please be upfront with your feelings because you have a genuine concern ...very valid.(((((HUGS AND BEST WISHES)))))

[Troy]

Thanks bebop ... you've supported me through all of these baby steps for over 2 years ... finally have that appointment that was recommended to me that long ago. I almost had a panic attack just telling the primary care doctor that I'd like to have a mental evaluation for ptsd. When he asked me why I thought I needed that, I couldn't say a thing, not one thing. Finally, he suggested "your wife and others" ... yes. The whole time I was thinking just "let me outa here."

Originally Posted by bebop

Troy it is baby steps hon. you don't have to go too indepth right away. talk as much as you are comfy with and leave the rest for another time hon. Remember this is stuff you have been dealing with since the 70's and it is going to take a long time to get down to the root of it all. let the therapist know how you feel about this up front. hang in there hon.

[Troy]

Thanks for the encouragement DarkDreams ... I don't think I'm strong enough to face this. I really feel like it is the beginning of the end, finishing the work of the enemy soldiers. (tears, panic) If you've had experience with shrinks like this, I'd like to hear details about how the questions begin.

Originally Posted by Dark_Dreams

or it could be the one thing that will strenghten that last shred of sanity and help save and even create relationships.

I know how stressful this can be but you have taken the first step by making the appointment. Please take it easy on yourself. It takes a strong person to admit they cannot do it all alone.

let us know how it goes. You will be in my thoughts

[Troy]

Thanks Wolfsong ... I think this person is knowledgable about combat ptsd ... woman doc, young, but trained with VA hospital and is now in a position to assess people like me. I don't know if the first doc is the one for T or just an intake, evaluation kind of thing.

My uninformed opinion about this kind of doc is that they can't understand me unless they'e experienced similar circumstances. It's like my opinion about the surgeons and doctors who worked on me after combat -- I felt that part of the doc's training should be to get shot and go through recovery before touching a wounded soldier. Some of the docs were tremendous, but others made me wonder if they really had a medical degree (or maybe they had a torture degree).

Anyway, I have made a list with short explanation of things that trigger me, and one of the points is how much I distrust the process and how afraid I am of entering the process.

I dunno, the more I explain it here, the more ready I am to cancel the appointment. I can't believe good can come of this. I've buried the agony for so long I'm good at it. My wife knows about the appointment and supposed PTSD evaluation, but even during our conversation she was telling me that I don't really have those symptoms. She thinks my waking after 3-4 hours sleep are just some kind of stress related thing, too much on my mind. She doesn't know the dreams that cause the awakening. She doesn't know that I have learned to wake up if those dreams begin. She doesn't know how much crowds bother me or that I want to be alone. I hide all of that. When I mentioned the other day that I didn't have any friends, she said, What do you mean, you have lots of friends ... right, I've let them think I am their friend, but no one is coming through this wall that I've erected and diligently maintain day after day. The whole exercise is wearing me out after all these years.

sorry for the rant

Originally Posted by wolfsong

Is the person you will see familiar with combat related distress?I think your concerns are reasonable.Can you go in with a note stating...this is a list of what may trigger me.This is how I feel and what I am concerned with.Have them read it before saying anthing to you at all.Please be upfront with your feelings because you have a genuine concern ...very valid.(((((HUGS AND BEST WISHES)))))

>.<....fingers crossed that what you need most falls into place!

[Yoda]

I am glad you are seeking the help you need and deserve.

[bebop]

Troy honey please talk to your wife about everything that wakes you and bothers you. there is no way she can understand unless she knows what is going on. it also brings you closer. don't cancel that appt! please!