[Troy]

second day after seeing the "intake" doctor and getting evaluated as having ptsd ... which all of us have known for some time ... but now on a waiting list for therapy.

the night of the evaluation was a restless night, more so than a typical night with many vivid recollections that had been put away in those little mental boxes for safe keeping

but last night ... whew ... 4 hrs sleep again with dreams ... and awakening in near panic. who's on guard. how can we all be here sleeping with no one on guard. i have to get up. i did. decided that this is crazy. went back to bed. and laid there and cried feeling helpless. anxiety kept building so got up in 20 min. felt very nervous. kind of panic like. brushed teeth made coffee and anxiety kept building. do you remember how it was before going into a gun fight, some guys actually vomiting because of the fear. i felt like that. i actually felt like i was going to throw up. a real melt down.

i know there's no one outside in the blizzard waiting to attack. but i sure felt better when i picked up my gun and loaded it. the t asked if i owned weapons. when i told her yes she asked if i kept one under my pillow. i truthfully told her no, but i didn't elaborate and let her know that i kept it with me almost all the time and beside the bed at night.

typing all of this has helped calm me down some, no longer going to vomit, but that high alert in my muscles is still growing, in biceps and thighs and stomach and calves and up back of my neck. you know the readiness you feel when on ambush and the enemy is walking right toward you ... that's the feeling.

when i woke up i was crying. not only did i feel threatened, i felt defeated. i feel like this entry into the mental health realm is like surrender to the enemy (tearss) its like they win. i lose and i let everyone down by not continuing the fight. 9panic)d thix is not what i'd call completing the mission

my situation is microscopic compared to the experiences of those who will be reading it. but i need to tell somebody. thanks for letting me post it though th tearsd

[Michah]

Troy,

It is not surrender to your enemy, but embracing it. Counterintuitive for a soldier? I can only imagine

This is not weakness, but incredible strength. The Dark, all things that plague you in the night, is VERY strong. It will fight to stay Dark. It will haunt you and cripple you. It will make you cringe in terror. It will make you doubt yourself. The Dark does not want to be in the Light.

But Dark must exist with Light as day must exist with night and love must exist with hate. It is not about ridding oneself of the Dark, but balancing it with the Light. Finding the balance will be very painful, but also liberating. In my experience, embracing the Dark and acknowledging its existence, was the first step to introducing the Light. Forgiveness of the Dark then comes, and moments of pure joy will follow.

If you cry, you cry. If you need your weapon close to you then so be it, for your weapon brings you comfort. Do not question your instincts, but more "love" them, for the Dark is but your instinct to survive, and it is important. It is just out of balance with peace, but it will come. If it gets unbearable, talk to the Dark. Tell it that you know that it is there, and you love it, but you will not bend to its' extremes.

I hope that helps, dear one. You are loved.

Michah

[eskielover]

i feel like this entry into the mental health realm is like surrender to the enemy (tearss) its like they win. i lose and i let everyone down by not continuing the fight. 9panic)d thix is not what i'd call completing the mission

I think that without help from the mental health realm, the enemy is actually the one that has control of your mind. The PTSD comes from the fighting the enemy & being on guard against the enemy at all times.......therefore, your PTSD...is the enemy's control of your mind. Once you are able to come to terms with the PTSD issues you are struggling with you will actually be winning the war over the enemies control of your mind which will be allowing you to complete your overall mission which was to go into the war, fight against the enemy & come home alive & well.

I know how much I appreciate the job our military does to protect our country & there is nothing worse than seeing the enemy from over seas come home with them in their minds & continue to control their thoughts & actions when triggered by something that was a normal part of life before going off to war.....know how much we all care about your healing.

My dad was in WWII & I know how much his life was effected by the things he experienced over in Germany before they ever acknowledged the existence of PTSD. It is wonderful that we now have the knowledge & the ability to be able to help with the PTSD with treatment finally be able to win that war.