[Troy]

Open Eyes made a remark that helped me realize that anger is one of the triggers for my deep seated guilt feelings.

I seldom let my anger show. hardly ever let anyone know just how mad I am or that the rage is just under the skin. i've trained myself to show no anger like that.

But when the anger does surface, when i let it out for others to see, it triggers a feeling of guilt for several days. the last time I did this i felt so guilty for about a week afterwards. It wasn't so much a guilt of having been angry as it was a vague feeling of guilt about my whole life.

Maybe this is why I bury the anger so often

[Open Eyes]

Troy quote: "Maybe this is why I bury the anger so often"

This is the part of PTSD that is dangerous and has to be really addressed.
Why? Because this is anger turned inward and that can equal depression.

And I now believe that the depression that comes from PTSD is different.
And anger comes and goes for different lengths of time. Just like the other symptoms, fear, anxiety, shame, confusion, distance, desire for isolation and even guilt.

I remember one of the first posts you put up Troy and it was a list that was put out by an unknown vet of all the things that annoyed or angered him.

I also remember your anger at a man's comment when he learned you were a vet and I almost don't want to say it out of respect, but it has a meaning about being on the soil here that brings up feelings of anger.

And you wrote about how you didn't like to go out and be grouped with other vets like that was somehow where you now belonged. It was done out of respect but it was the ignorance of it that you disliked. And I would feel the same way if I had a well known label and I was treated that way, here go to victims of abuse or the PTSD group of people over there. It is a descrimination that NO ONE LIKES OR DESERVES.

JD said one time, don't bother trying to explain PTSD because people just don't know and they often don't care to know. And that is where we feel alone and start to think about masking it. We call it putting on a pretend face. And everytime we do it we get angry and yet feel this vague guilt.

I had once posted to a thread about vets that the Byz put up. And in my last line I said, "They often feel they have lost their very soul" And then I looked down and saw his name in the thank you spot. And that is when I felt him.

So how did I know that? Because I too have PTSD. No, I didn't fight in a war away from home and I have a choice of hiding my label and putting on a different mask.
But there is a way I can relate, PTSD. And there are different measures of PTSD.
Some measures are worse than others and the recovery can be different, it all depends.

PTSD can be a series of events that take place to someone that causes deep trauma to the brain. It can be one terrible event or several events and it can stretch back to early youth. And it can creep into someone a little at a time and lay in wait for some moment to come where it takes over and becomes a overwhelming source of pain and confusion.

PTSD is a very personal experience for each person that has it. And most people who have it feel like it has taken a big part of their soul. But it is not really on a conscious level, it is a deep feeling of loss. And the person who experiences it has the most difficult time trying to express the depth of it. And it is the most personal injury that one can have. And each person that has it often does not understand it and can even be extremely afraid of it. It is so deeply personal that someone who has it is extremely reluctant to address it to anyone or revisit it in any way. And yet they are haunted by it. So much so that they fear sleep or any activity were they may be triggered in revisiting the event or events.

I know what that list means now, it is about all the little things that bother people and are often so minor compared to the BIG ISSUE that a person with PTSD TRAUMA faces every day. And it is something that is so beyond all the small things that there is a deep resentment, the person with PTSD deepy feels, if only that was all I had to address, BUT THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME.

Everthing is different for a victim of PTSD and often it is an island away from the soul that was taken. A soul that could innocently and safely look at the simple beauty of life itself. An island that is so far away from humanity itself that there is only a tiresome swim to even try to reach the land that one speaks of when they say "Welcome Home".

So how could those victims of PTSD even begin to reach the real shores of home? Someone who has it is only on an island and the mere thought of trying to reach other shores are thoughts that provoke a great deal of confusion which leads to an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear, and anger which result in guilt. And the anger comes from no one truely understanding or seeing the island for what it really is. And the person who has PTSD cannot seem to keep others from invading that island and trying to somehow redefine it to their ingnorant definition or suggestion of resolve.

There is only one way to see the island. It is a very personal private journey that must be taken by the person who is that island. The journey is about a process that each person must privately " safely "take to GRIEVE THE LOSS OF THE PART OF THE SOUL THAT HAS BEEN TAKEN. And each person grieves differently and IT TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE. If a person with PTSD is denied that right to GRIEVE PROPERLY, they will be angry and lonely and troubled for the rest of their days.

Just as when someone loses someone very dear to them, the loss of part of their own soul has to be addressed with deep respect. And as no one can tell another how to grieve, the only way to help a person with PTSD is to give them plenty of space and time to quietly come to terms with their loss.

Though one will never forget what has been lost, one can come to terms with it, if it is addressed properly. And that means a great deal of time is given to the person to learn how to reclaim the part of their soul that than can learn to enjoy life once again. The soul will never be as it once was, but it can learn to gain strength enough to address life again.

The soul lies deep within each persons brain. The brain is a marvelous thing that has tremendous abilities to heal. If one is not allowed to process and recover, but is only to be deemed an island the brain is not given the opportunity to heal. If someone who has PTSD hangs onto anger and remains an island than the brain will be denied and depression will set in.
Therefore a conscious effort must be made by each person to work towards healing. And that work must be respected by not only the person inflicted but by others as well.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I came to PC not really knowing very much about PTSD and how it had really manifested in me. And it has been so hard to explain, so hard to understand and I started to see the different ways that I was misunderstood, even by myself. And as I learn more about it, I see my own island more clearly. And as I see my own island, I often get angry and frightened and I do somehow feel this vague guilt you speak of.

I am glad you proposed the question about that vague guilt. I knew it was there but I had no idea how to address it. And everytime I had tried to address it to family members they didn't understand it and quickly dismissed it and had different theories of their own on how to address it. Well, it only made me want to retreat even more.
And in that retreat it only made me feel more angry at myself as if even in that effort in admission, I was again misunderstood. And just because I have this label doesn't mean I completely understand it. And that is when I just want to isolate and retreat, sometimes I have to admit that I want to retreat altogether as within this Label there is so much confusion and I grow tired of it myself.

But, because you asked your question about guilt I then brought it into focus. To be honest, I was amazed at how I was able to compile that list. And while I was doing it I was somewhat angry as well. But I wasn't angry at others, just at how I couldn't seem to do things that I had done before and how much I had felt guilty about it.

And it also brought me closer to that other emotion that comes up, rage. And I began to realize how all three emotions were connected along with the other emotions that come with PTSD. And I realized that as long as I try to push these emotions aside, I wont get better and I will remain an island. No, we have to really see the island in ourselves and actually search our soul to see how it has been effected and where we can quietly come to terms with it. And we have to understand that we cannot feel selfish in doing so.

I talked about a line that I posted about losing ones very soul. And I also talked about another person saying thank you and how I seemed to feel that other person for the first time. I didn't mean that I knew that person, only that as I began to think about how one is affected I was allowed to understand something that is often overlooked not only by society but also by a person themselves. As we cannot truely know the soul of another we can join together in a mutual feeling of loss.
And it can be a beginning to knowing that even though we are our own islands within the labels we are given, a voice from another island saying, me too, is a way to recognise that we are not alone in our deep loss, there are other islands as well.

I would have to say that one thing I didn't learn or that was never really taught to me was how to be able to look back and recognize that I was never perfect, I did the best I could and if I need to stop and grieve and learn how to come to terms with the damage that occured on a personal level, it is ok to do so. I have to be willing to look at the damage first and try not to be frightened of it or blame myself for it and how I reacted then an now. I cant be angry at others for not understanding it and I have to learn not to be angry at myself. I have some geiving to do, and accepting my failures and make my own personal efforts toward resolve. And I have to stop pushing myself and allow myself to truely address it on a conscious level and recogize that it will take me time to work at it.

I think it is important that I try to stop looking at life as a specific structure set by society or some kind of general guideline of how I am supposed to live life. I have to recognize that I am unique and find my own meaning to my life. And it is going to be my own personal journey and
not everyone is going to understand me or accept me. But the one thing I have to do, is accept myself and my past and keep trying to move forward and learn and adjust as best as I can.

Open Eyes