[kentuckyfrogman]

Why do I keep on looking at the blank television screen and envision myself in Afghanistan?

Possible trigger:

Keep reliving that 9 year old kid holding up an RPG. In my mind I am thinking, please kid put down that RPG, I didn't want to take him out, because my job was to protect our troops. Finally, the 9 year old put down the RPG, the sigh of relief came across my mind, my eyes slowly and briefly had tears in it. It wasn't always like that to see a kid try to do something to hinder our mission. A 12 year old carried something that could have hurt our troops, and I called it in, and my spotter near me saying, "Take the shot". Once I got the okay, I did what I was ordered to do, and that is take out that 12 year old.

It was around my second tour in Afghanistan. After that second tour I came home briefly, because my wife was pregnant, and about to give birth. I was there, but my mind was in another place. I couldn't tell my wife, because I knew she wouldn't understand at that time. In my mind, I put that emotion in a box, and lock out down. I ended up getting three more tours in Afghanistan. My wife was wondering why I wanted to keep on going back to Afghanistan. She told me you did your job, I want my husband back at home. All I could think about was protecting my fellow seal brothers, and other troops. If I was back at home, and if I lost my seal brothers during their op, I wouldn't be able to live with that. Our trident, means more than just being seals, but we were a band of brothers that trained along side each other. We endured. We sweat. We bled. We ate out of trash cans during BUDs together. We raised our boats up in the air, above our heads as boat crews. We did log PT together. Everything we did had meaning to it. If we lost a brother in battle, we lost a lot. Sorry to bore you all with this. We were trained to harness that emotion, and turn it into adrenaline, or motivation.

[seesaw]

Welcome.

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[kentuckyfrogman]

I remember seeing a Psychiatrist when I got back after my 5th tour. He asked me how long I was over there. I politely replied, "Which place are you referring too. Iraq or Afghanistan". The Psychiatrist said, "Let's talk about both Iraq and Afghanistan". The Psychiatrist said, "The Navy put down you had 300 confirmed kills. Does that not bother you?" I replied, "No sir, I just wanted to protect our troops, to make sure everyone got home safely". I knew in the back of my mind, I was trained to kill the enemy at all cost. It wasn't like the scenario being a serial killer going around killing people, and breaking the law here. It's not enjoyable being on the receiving end being wounded by an AK47. When the rounds of an AK47 penetrate your body. It's not like a bee sting that hurts for a short amount of time. It's excruciating pain that lasts for a while. Corpsman temporarily patch you up, and you see a doctor to treat the wound, and you go back out on another op. Once you completely heal up. You do in fact become stronger. I remember during one of the ops I was a part of. It wasn't uncommon for me to several holes that have penetrated my body, I think the most I have being wounded was around 8 times. Shot three times in the back. Had a wound in both legs, and shot twice in the lower right abdomen, and shot once in the left arm. I slowly get back up after each shot, and keep on fighting. We never left a clip full of ammo for the enemy. Every shot fired had to hit their mark. We couldn't be off on our shot. I couldn't even count on my fingers and toes of the places on my body, I was shot at, or I had open wounds from taking heavy fire.

It's called "dissociation". One of, quite a few symptoms of trauma.

"the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected."

I call it the 5000 yard gaze. I can see a rabbit, in the tree line, 5000 yards away!!.(just kiddin'). Vietnam Vets call it somethin' different. That's cuz I went in as a tanker, then combat engineer and ended up as cav scout...oorah...scout's out....

I suggest? a B.C.E.T.S. in the private sector, for therapy, if interested. Oh, and writing? yes. I have a few black and white speckled composition books filled full of writings. I call them "street rhymes and bullsh@t".

[OneDay89]

I don't know if it helps but you aren't alone brother. Iraq and Afghanistan myself though not quite your experience, bit more tame than that.

I too stare at nothing, for long, long periods of time. Just yesterday I spent an hour staring at grass, I didn't realize I was doing it. I wasn't there, I was somewhere on the other side of the world. Playing through all those engagements, what could I have done differently? Could I have saved him? If I had been there would things have been different?

I want so badly to be the one in a box in the ground, not those that I failed. You aren't alone and there is hope. Try talking to a Vet center, I have had much better luck there than anywhere else. The VA was a complete waste of my time and only served to nearly get me thrown in jail trying to give the VA employees what they deserve.

The Vet centers all seem to be staffed with nothing but therapists and social workers and they are all veterans. I actually felt like the employees there wanted to help me, not only that but they are going to help me stay on my feet so I don't end up homeless, which currently is a definite possibility.

Might as well give it a shot.