[Bluegrey]

TW csa, and other sad stuff.

I saw T yesterday for EMDR.

Started by talking about how I had felt since last time. I think I had dissociated and stayed that way, I felt separate and uncaring, and as if I was on autopilot. I didn't like it, it was how I had spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence, but I couldn't work out how to get out of it. And because I didn't care, my usual brake in thinking of doing something stupid wasn't there. So we spent the first part talking about staying safe.

Then we tried some more EMDR, trying to process this. We weren't sure how it would work because I wasn't in touch with the vulnerable bit of myself, but we kept going and eventually things started moving. We had started with a target memory of a sexual assault when I was 8, but eventually we got to a completely different memory. It was like there was someone screaming behind a barrier. Then it felt like being in a dark hole, except I didn't feel it, I just was aware of how it would feel on an intellectual level. After some time I realised that it was a very young me in the hole.

By this point I had begun to feel again a bit instead of being numb. It was like there were two parts of me, the older me and the tiny one. The tiny one felt total desolation, having been punished (smacked on the bare bottom, which I think was the link to the assault) and having nowhere to turn. Mummy was cross. I don't know what I had done, but she didn't love me and didn't want me and I was alone. The older me was trying to comfort the young one, there was something about a teddy bear.

The dark hole was a safe place where no one could see me and no one could hurt me. No one could get in.

This all came out in small bits, it kept slipping away from me. T asked if I knew how old I was, I think perhaps two or just three years old. It was before my brother was born anyway.

T wants to video the next session, so she can discuss it with her boss the consultant. I think she isn't sure quite what she should be doing and wants to make sure, which is sensible I suppose. I think I dissociated more than before...

I just feel so sad, as the little child and for her. So sad.

Thanks for reading. I just wanted to tell someone.

I think that it is very good to voice your thoughts. I don't ever speak about my issues, but I do rant them occasionally on here. I think that it cleans the mind and allows for just a little bit to be stripped off our chest. Thank you for telling us your struggle.

[Open Eyes]

I think you ended up doing well in that session Bluegrey. It is also ok to feel sad about what happened to that little girl part of you.

[Werewoman]

Christina Crawford wrote in her book "Survivor" that in order to heal she had to 'return' and find the little girl she'd left behind. I found that to be so profound because I too have two people, one a child and one an adult inside my head.

During one of my earliest EMDR sessions several years ago. I saw myself looking for the ruins where I knew I had left the child behind and found a crumbling building. I pushed my way through all the debris and finally, in the very center of the building, I found a little girl, who looked like me when I was about 8 years old. She was just standing there, wearing a tattered dress and barefoot, covered in filth from head to toe except for the trails of her tears on her face. I reached out to her, and even though she obviously didn't trust me, she allowed me to carry her outside into the sunshine. I cleaned her up and dressed her properly and promised her that I would never leave her behind again.

I have kept that promise, but it has not been easy. She is the irrational part of me and she's very demanding. She wants revenge. She wants the person who hurt her to suffer terribly. She's prone to fits of anger and never truly feels safe. Finally, I created a place for her in the middle of a clearing in an ancient forest. There she is safe and protected. She goes there when she's overwhelmed and a beautiful, regal she-wolf named Sheba (I really hate that name, but it's what came out as I was creating this place for her, so I'm stuck with it ) watches over her along with her cubs. The girl plays and sleeps with the cubs and Sheba makes sure they are all well fed and safe as she accepts the girl without any reservations as someone who needs her and being a wolf, it is not in her nature to abandon a cub in need, wolf or human.

As I heal, so does she, and while she still loves her meadow and knows that Sheba will always be there for her, she doesn't feel the need to go there as often as she used to, though she will without hesitation if she feels she needs to.

This had been a very important and significant part of my recovery. She represents the abused child I once was and gives me the freedom to explore the past because I know she will be safe in her meadow until I am ready to be with her. Then I go to the meadow and reach out my hand, she comes to me and takes it, and we walk back to the world through the ancient forest and talk of what we have learned. Sometimes, when I turn to look, I see Sheba sitting there, surrounded by her adorable cubs, at the edge of the forest as though to say, "When you come back, I will be here waiting as always......"

That all of this came out of me because of a single paragraph I once read by another survivor......

I hope this helps you in your sessions and your healing, Bluegrey, and thank you for posting your experience. Whether you intended it or not, you just validated my experiences with EMDR when I came away feeling sad trying to understand what was missing before I realized I had left a huge part of myself back there, in the Bad Place, and it was time to save her before it was too late.

WW

[JaneC]

Bluegray....I am sorry that it was such a hard session, but also glad for you that you were able to have that connection with your younger self. I cam imagine how sad you may feel, take kind care of yourself right now ok?

Werewoman.....wow, you post had me feeling....a lot. And I began to cry, I was so touched about how well you have taken care of your little inner child. It has really touched me. Today, in a brief moment after my session, I felt desperately sad......and a part inside me said....."I wish I could take you in my arms and never let go...I'm sorry you are hurting so" and then the other mean part came back with horrible words and told me not to be soo stupid, to sort myself out and ignore that little one.

That's the first time I have had a conversation like that....T has been talking about parts of me.....I haven't taken it well. Thank you for sharing...

Bluegrey... again

[Bluegrey]

Thank you all for your support. It helps to know that there are other people who have some idea of what this feels like.

Werewoman, your post was so helpful. I'm glad reading my experience helped you, too. Is it ok to ask you some questions? I could send you a PM if you prefer that to putting things here.

This is all a bit weird, and yet it also feels quite natural. The terror and misery of the little me came out when all this was first triggered nearly a year ago, I just didn't realise what it was. Has that little part of me always been there deep down, feeling like that? I feel like I want to talk to her and comfort her, but I'm not sure if I should do that in my own or wait till I see T again. It seems extremely dissociative, which scares me, or am I reading too much into it? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like DID, which somehow seems different from depersonalisation and stuff.

I'm sure it's good that I've found the little me and that I have that very early memory. I suppose I just don't like being uncertain about what's happening.

Thank you again, all of you, for your kind thoughts. I don't feel like I deserve them but I'm glad to have them.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Bluegrey

Thank you all for your support. It helps to know that there are other people who have some idea of what this feels like.

Werewoman, your post was so helpful. I'm glad reading my experience helped you, too. Is it ok to ask you some questions? I could send you a PM if you prefer that to putting things here.

This is all a bit weird, and yet it also feels quite natural. The terror and misery of the little me came out when all this was first triggered nearly a year ago, I just didn't realise what it was. Has that little part of me always been there deep down, feeling like that? I feel like I want to talk to her and comfort her, but I'm not sure if I should do that in my own or wait till I see T again. It seems extremely dissociative, which scares me, or am I reading too much into it? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like DID, which somehow seems different from depersonalisation and stuff.

I'm sure it's good that I've found the little me and that I have that very early memory. I suppose I just don't like being uncertain about what's happening.

Thank you again, all of you, for your kind thoughts. I don't feel like I deserve them but I'm glad to have them.

My T explained that we all have parts to us...even those without a mental health diagnosis. That it is not DID......not in my case. Just that my recognition of parts is difficult and has more attached to it.

He keeps reassuring me that EVERYONE has parts. To normalize it I guess. I am struggling with this parts stuff and he really wants me/us to talk about it more.....because one particular part of me (the protective angry part) gets in the way......

Thanks for this discussion....it is so helpful.

Take care.
sent from mobile via tapatalk

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by JaneC

Bluegray....I am sorry that it was such a hard session, but also glad for you that you were able to have that connection with your younger self. I cam imagine how sad you may feel, take kind care of yourself right now ok?

Werewoman.....wow, you post had me feeling....a lot. And I began to cry, I was so touched about how well you have taken care of your little inner child. It has really touched me. Today, in a brief moment after my session, I felt desperately sad......and a part inside me said....."I wish I could take you in my arms and never let go...I'm sorry you are hurting so" and then the other mean part came back with horrible words and told me not to be soo stupid, to sort myself out and ignore that little one.

Yeah, I get that. I remember times when the little me would berate the adult me because she thought I wasn't doing enough to protect her in certain situations. That's why I refer to her as my irrational self because some of the demands she was making simply were not possible, but being a child, she couldn't understand that and I just had to ignore her demands and try my best to make her feel as safe as I could. To this day, I don't think she ever really feels completely safe, nor will she ever. She can't be expected to understand what she has never known.

Originally Posted by Bluegrey

Thank you all for your support. It helps to know that there are other people who have some idea of what this feels like.

Werewoman, your post was so helpful. I'm glad reading my experience helped you, too. Is it ok to ask you some questions? I could send you a PM if you prefer that to putting things here.

This is all a bit weird, and yet it also feels quite natural. The terror and misery of the little me came out when all this was first triggered nearly a year ago, I just didn't realise what it was. Has that little part of me always been there deep down, feeling like that? I feel like I want to talk to her and comfort her, but I'm not sure if I should do that in my own or wait till I see T again. It seems extremely dissociative, which scares me, or am I reading too much into it? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like DID, which somehow seems different from depersonalisation and stuff.

I'm sure it's good that I've found the little me and that I have that very early memory. I suppose I just don't like being uncertain about what's happening.

Thank you again, all of you, for your kind thoughts. I don't feel like I deserve them but I'm glad to have them.

Bluegrey,

Of course you can ask me anything you want, either here or by PM is fine. If my experience, no matter how painful to remember, can help others, I am glad to share whatever it is you want to know about.

I think you may be reading too much into it, but if it makes you that uncomfortable, you should definitely wait until your next session with your T.

I know what you mean when you talk about your concerns about it being disassociative. I used to wonder about the same thing, but I now know it's not. It's a normal survival response to situations that no child should ever have to endure and it helps me be a stronger person and deal with all the confusion and terror I felt in those early years so that I could understand it better when I got older.

you so do deserve kindness, i'm telling you. i am so sorry you had such awful trauma in childhood. it's okay to talk about as much as you feel comfortable with.

[Bluegrey]

Sorry it's been a while since I posted - I've been away for a couple of days with little access to the internet.

Werewoman, I'd like to ask about how you differentiate your small/irrational self from the rest of you? Is it a 'person' you're aware of, or do you think something, realise it's an emotional reaction and then try and apply logic? I suppose what I'm actually asking is whether you are conscious of the small self as a person separate from yourself, and if so for how much of the time - is she always there? Or is it a sort of shorthand for a way of thinking about your emotional side as opposed to your logical one? You mentioned that she berated the adult you for not doing enough to protect her sometimes. Sorry if this doesn't make sense as a question, I'm finding it surprisingly hard to formulate...

I'm rather confused as to how I fit together at the moment, especially as it seems quite possible for me to have a strong emotional reaction to something and the next minute not be feeling anything in particular.

I had a weird experience on Saturday - I was in the wheelchair-accessible lavatory at a service station and someone somehow managed to unlock the door - I screeched at her really loudly, 'Close that door, close that door right now' and kept on till she did. I haven't screeched like that for years, if ever, it sounded really loud and angry. My husband was outside, and I heard his voice so just got myself sorted out and when I went out he said she wanted him to pass on her apologies. He'd arrived as she was opening the door. You'd think I would be really upset by all this (especially given I'm still processing an episode of csa) and my husband was really worried, asking me if I wanted just to go straight back to the car instead of having the coffee we'd planned. But I wasn't. I didn't feel shocked, upset, worried or anything. Apart from the fact I remembered it happening, it was as if nothing had happened at all, it had had no emotional effect on me. My husband thought I'd gone back to the cold, hard, dissociated state I'd mentioned at the beginning of this post, and that does sound quite likely.

It seems like I can be the small child needing the comfort of a teddy bear, or the hard, uncaring, coping person, or the vulnerable child who was assaulted, or what I think of as the 'normal' me, adult, logical and caring. And I can become any of them more or less at any moment...

If anyone else has anything useful to say, please do. And thank you all so much (so much) for your support. It makes me feel safer.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Bluegrey

Sorry it's been a while since I posted - I've been away for a couple of days with little access to the internet.

Werewoman, I'd like to ask about how you differentiate your small/irrational self from the rest of you? Is it a 'person' you're aware of, or do you think something, realise it's an emotional reaction and then try and apply logic? I suppose what I'm actually asking is whether you are conscious of the small self as a person separate from yourself, and if so for how much of the time - is she always there? Or is it a sort of shorthand for a way of thinking about your emotional side as opposed to your logical one? You mentioned that she berated the adult you for not doing enough to protect her sometimes. Sorry if this doesn't make sense as a question, I'm finding it surprisingly hard to formulate...

I'm rather confused as to how I fit together at the moment, especially as it seems quite possible for me to have a strong emotional reaction to something and the next minute not be feeling anything in particular.

I had a weird experience on Saturday - I was in the wheelchair-accessible lavatory at a service station and someone somehow managed to unlock the door - I screeched at her really loudly, 'Close that door, close that door right now' and kept on till she did. I haven't screeched like that for years, if ever, it sounded really loud and angry. My husband was outside, and I heard his voice so just got myself sorted out and when I went out he said she wanted him to pass on her apologies. He'd arrived as she was opening the door. You'd think I would be really upset by all this (especially given I'm still processing an episode of csa) and my husband was really worried, asking me if I wanted just to go straight back to the car instead of having the coffee we'd planned. But I wasn't. I didn't feel shocked, upset, worried or anything. Apart from the fact I remembered it happening, it was as if nothing had happened at all, it had had no emotional effect on me. My husband thought I'd gone back to the cold, hard, dissociated state I'd mentioned at the beginning of this post, and that does sound quite likely.

It seems like I can be the small child needing the comfort of a teddy bear, or the hard, uncaring, coping person, or the vulnerable child who was assaulted, or what I think of as the 'normal' me, adult, logical and caring. And I can become any of them more or less at any moment...

If anyone else has anything useful to say, please do. And thank you all so much (so much) for your support. It makes me feel safer.

Bluegrey,

The Little Me is a separate part of me, though not in a DID kind of way. She's the child that endured the bad times. Early in my therapy, I realized that if I was ever going to heal, I had to acknowledge and validate her. She is the personification of my pain and rage. She brings out the same 'she-bear' protective instincts in me as the 'real' people in my life. If anyone I love is being hurt (including Little Me) I have a tendency to maul first and ask questions later. I can't bear the thought of my loved ones having to survive what I have and Little Me is reacting the only way she knows how when she gets scared. She's still stuck in the past and can't escape. She doesn't have the skills that I do as an adult or the ability to rationalize. She wants what she wants when she wants it, just like any real child. She lacks the logic and wisdom to understand what happened and so for her, the terror never ends. That's why I had to create a safe place for her and protect her no matter what.

So I guess the answer to your question is yes, I am always conscious of the Little Me as a separate person and she's always there. She has a special place in my heart and soul where she is as real to me as my children.

Because she is still stuck in the past, she doesn't understand that as an adult, sometimes I have to do things that remind her of her experiences, and that's when I can hear her in the back of my head berating me because she's just a scared little kid who lives in constant fear that the bad things will happen again.

I hopes this helps. It's difficult to explain, and it took me several months if not a year or more to understand who she was and why she was there. Then I had to learn how to give her what she needs - namely ensuring her safety at any cost.

WW