[Manuelito]

Hello!
I was married for 20 years from which I have 4 beautiful kids. During this 20 years my kids mother verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused me. In addition cheated, lied and stole from me constantly. Now I am in a relation ship with a woman I love very much. She has brought happiness and feelings I thought were dead.

I have a problem now. I can't trust her even though she has never given me any motives. I see things that she does and reminds me of my ex. My mind and my thoughts race. She's a good woman who also has been hurt. When I see her playing with her cell or texting I get furious I shut completely down and in my head a flood of flashbacks race and I just...run for the hills. I can't talk or say anything. Even when she begs me to tell her what's wrong. I can't bring myself to say a word I'm so angry inside. She's a sweet girl, friendly, hardworking and we are very in love. But it makes me jealous when she talks to a coworker or any other male. We are both nurses so you can imagine. I love her and I don't want to loose her. I know she's not my ex, she's everything I asked God for in a woman.

What can I do?

[CANDC]

Hi Manuelito. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having anxiety in your current relationship. Have you considered a therapist that specializes in PTSD? There are also meds available through a Psychiatrist that help keep anger from rearing up.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Hi, Manuelito. Welcome to PC. After years of marriage to your ex, your mind appears to be conditioned to expect the worst even from normal situations. Maybe you can change this conditioning gradually by remembering to tell yourself (write it down on a piece of paper and refer to it as needed) that your new wife and your ex are NOT the same person and that these feelings are no longer relevant. These feelings are more than in your mind, they are in your muscles and bones! It will take time and effort to re-condition yourself. Seeing a therapist will help as you need to talk about it. Don't fear therapy; it can help you. It does not mean that you are really sick, just that you have a conditioning problem from years of a bad marriage. You need to talk those feelings out of your mind and your body. It is possible to recover from your past marriage and make your new one better than it is now because you will be healthier and able to enjoy it more. Here's wishing you all the best.

[Open Eyes]

Manuelito,

The good news is that you are recognizing these triggers, that is the first step to slowly working through them and acknowledging them, but keep reminding yourself "yes, I feel that way, but that is not now".

Your subconscious mind got so used to dealing with a dysfunctional woman for 20 years, that's a lot of years. So, it's going to take time for you to "slowly" change that conditioning of your subconscious mind. Also, remember to tell yourself, I deserve this nice woman I am with now. People who have been abused over a long period often begin believing they deserve to be treated badly, so that's another thing you have to work on "slowly" in remembering you deserve to have a woman be nice to you.

Others, including myself can relate to how difficult it is to not have a bad reaction, but you are moving forward by recognizing it and you have to develop a new part of yourself in your inner mind that steps up more and more and says "no, I don't need to react it's not the same, relax".

It might ease your mind if you tell this woman that when you don't tell her what is wrong it just means you need to step back a bit and remind yourself you are with a wonderful woman and not the one that had treated you so badly for so long.