[Aracnae]

My fiance and I ended up with some extra money from taxes and we decided to drive up to my hometown at the end of May, school is out. At first, I was pretty excited, but it's more than 2 months away, and I'm already panicked. I really want to see my sister, brother, friends and cousin, but I'm terrified that I'll run into my mother.

Possible trigger:

My mother was horrifically abusive to my siblings and I, and I only just managed to get away from her when I moved to Idaho. She and my other brother (not the one I want to see) used to break into my house, and every time I moved she'd find out via my sister where I lived and show up at the door. I still have so many scars from her, both internal and external, I just don't know what I'll do if I see her. I'm so angry, I'm afraid I'll kill her if I'm alone with her. Between she and my ex husband, they manage to destroy everything that I was, and I'm only now starting to piece myself back together. On top of it all, I am going to see him (on purpose) for the sake of my kids, since they deserve to see their dad. I don't know if I can deal with this. The funny thing is I'm only in the past couple of years truly starting to feel enraged at the both of them, and I wonder why it's taken such a long freaking time. I read somewhere that PTSD tends to pop up in people toward their mid to late 20's when they were abused as children, so I wonder if that's part of it. I didn't really start to show PTSD symptoms until I was 24, though I showed all the signs that I was being and had been abused, otherwise. Anyhow, I'm tempted to call the whole thing off, but I feel like that would be cowardly, and I really need to see my cousin before she passes away and miss my other siblings, so I'm very torn. I would also very much like to hunt her down and push her down a large set of stairs, and I think the only reason I might not is because it'd take too much energy.

Sorry for ranting so much on one post, and thanks for listening/reading.

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

I think you are handling a huge responsibility very well. Will you be staying in a private room in a hotel (you would have the power to only invite those you wish to see and more importantly, your children and you would have a private safe retreat available if needed to "take a break" from the reunion stress).

How can your other family members arrange their schedules to see you and her seperately? (You for lunch on Mon She get dinner; She gets lunch on Tue and You get dinner so everyone can see everyone but "she" cannot use your visit with your cousin as another opportunity to be abusive to ANYONE in any manner). Toxic relatives will try to poison any family gathering... if they are allowed to BE THERE... Can you introduce your fiance to your cousin either before she shows up or after she leaves?

Past trauma memories may be triggered /expected/anticipated by places and people you haven't seen for a long time, but handling those normal feelings with determined resolve is also an opportunity to embrace your new confidence and independence also.

Even if your manipulative abusive mother throws a fit, makes a scene, sobs how sorry she is to have been abusive... what? so what? She made a fool of herself by harassing you instead of "visiting". Abusers delibretely push buttons looking for a response anger/fear/shame so they can pretend to be your victim instead of your abuser (like DomesticViolence batterers do to their spouses; except it is your mom) I am sorry you are stressed. I hope some of these suggestions can help you deal with the problems ... and have fun on your trip too!

NOW, you are an adult and keeping the emotional/physical boundaries you choose as safe are entirely correct, proper, and do-able. Expect her to play the martyr/victim to everyone she can... while plotting how to "obtain advantage". You owe her nothing. This is about YOU, your fiance, your cousin, your hometown, and your children: Them, not her.

Tell your allies now and arrange your visit the way you want... Your mother is allowed to tell her T about how ignored she is and underworshipped her parental skills are (lol): after you come back home, safe happy and with new great memories of family (the good ones) and know you made the effort to see your cousin; because you are one of the good ones too.

I think preparing now by including your allies in your safety planning for your hometown visit is very strong, resourceful and impressive to me.

[Aracnae]

Originally Posted by WhatDayIsItAgain

I think you are handling a huge responsibility very well. Will you be staying in a private room in a hotel (you would have the power to only invite those you wish to see and more importantly, your children and you would have a private safe retreat available if needed to "take a break" from the reunion stress).

How can your other family members arrange their schedules to see you and her seperately? (You for lunch on Mon She get dinner; She gets lunch on Tue and You get dinner so everyone can see everyone but "she" cannot use your visit with your cousin as another opportunity to be abusive to ANYONE in any manner). Toxic relatives will try to poison any family gathering... if they are allowed to BE THERE... Can you introduce your fiance to your cousin either before she shows up or after she leaves?

Fortunately for me, my cousin no longer talks to my mother. I will be staying with her, and possibly also camping a couple days (it's a week-long trip). My little brother (not the one that broke into my house, the other one) also doesn't speak to her. My sister is likely, however, to invite my mother over after promising not to, and pretending she forgot, so I need to weigh that against how badly I want to see my nephew (pretty bad). If I meet her in a public place, which my sister is likely to want anyhow, that should lessen the likely hood of that, plus I can arrange to meet some friends at the same time, decreasing the chances that my mother would stay should she show. My sister can't visit my cousin, because she stole from her. It's all pretty chaotic, lol.
Anyhow, thank you for the supportive words and ideas.