My C-PTSD is increasingly out of control.

I get thoughts that make me so angry that I start slapping my thigh repeatedly. I have thoughts of reciprocating violently to the people who abused me in the past and who continue to abuse me by giving negative references so that no one will hire me. (I worked for 3 sociopaths in a row. All were women. The best T I ever had said the best therapy would be for me to find a full-time job but no one will hire me.) I have never been violent with anyone; it's all contained. But, I continue to have intrusive thoughts of me defending myself and fighting back or getting even. This has gone on for years and seems never ending. T's offer no effective treatments. I do not want women friends any longer. I really dislike women. But, I don't fit in with the guys either. And, due to severe allergies, I cannot have a pet (not that I would want one anyway). My life is hell. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello unguy: I'm sorry you are struggling. The Skeezyks never seems to have fit in anywhere either... for different reasons I suppose... but the outcome is similar. I hope that things might, in some way, begin to turn around for you.

Well that sucks. Don't give up on the job. There's one out there that will understand. Are you on any medication? Start your own business, be your own boss. Is there something you enjoy doing or could go to school for?

I am very sorry you have been experiencing that. Are you able to get disability?

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Thanks for your thoughts.

Yes, I am on SSDI. I have not had good results from medications and am currently on none. A few days ago, I registered for a real estate salesperson licensing course. I have cold feet about it. I mentioned the course to my T today and he said that I have nothing to lose.

I am glad you are doing that

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Hey that sounds good. That's a hard field to break into though. My stepsister got her license and you have to have a lot of contacts to make a living. She got out of it. Not trying to burst your bubble and you may a lot of contacts to help you through. But you might want to find something that is not so dependent on who you know to make a living, or have a plan B, just don't want to see you get excited about this and then it not be what you think.

Yes, I have been warned that it is a field full of sharks and to be careful. Socially, I am a dud - it's my weakest area. My last career - as a legal assistant - was also full of sharks and I've had many bad experiences. My goal is to be a leasing agent in a luxury apartment building. By coincidence, I will be temping this weekend in a leasing office. The other option is to transition to being a real estate paralegal and to handle closings. I would prefer the former. Of course, nothing is guaranteed. I really don't have too much interest in real estate but I don't know what else to do. The only other option is to return to college for a B.A. (I have an A.A.S.)

Sounds like you have some viable options there Maybe the temping job will turn into some better, show them your awesome side

I've worked there before. It will probably lead to nothing - again. For me, optimism is a waste of time and energy. I fit in no where. No one has ever wanted me - even my parents. I am a loser and always have been.

A loser, really, you have been here a pretty good while at this forum and helped a lot of people with support. Not something just anyone would or could do, ya know? I remember from the last time I was here. I'm not going to argue the downside to optimism. Everything is a 50/50 crap shot, but sometimes weeding through these opportunities you find something good or at least okay. We should never stop looking if it is something we truly want.

I too do not think a "loser" would support people here on PC in a thoughtful and caring manner...

I too have not had good results from meds..

I hope you'll find meaning in your daily existence and occupations.
We each/all need to feel a sense of "purpose" or "meaning."

It's very difficult when we feel like "outsiders" due to our CPTSD, as well as other challenges.


WC

Unguy, you may benefit from EMDR therapy if the regular talk therapy doesn't seem to work. I have just started and in 2 sessions, I already see a difference.

Im sorry you're struggling if its any consolation i have cptsd too.... i think there are more of us than we think and you're not alone here <3

Did you ever try a site like this: Hire Veterans - Jobs for Veterans - Job Board Hiring U.S. Military Veterans Employment Careers: home

There might be mortgage companies there; those companies seem to have a high turnaround in employees and hire often. Put neighbors or friends down for references. Helping someone move furniture or watch their dog can be the basis for a reference.

Sorry things are so tough. I hope things look up for you. ((((hugs))))

Tried it and had no luck with it. The big problem is that the sociopath who made my CPTSD unbearable is still harassing me. (A sick former boss who gives negative references so that I cannot get a job.)

Thanks but I am not a veteran.

I am 45 years old, and had a traumatic childhood filled with sexual abuse. At age 13, I began having Holocaust nightmares. Try as I might to get the nightmares to stop, no amount of therapy, depression drugs, hospital stays or therapists could help.

By the age of 42, I had become the Professor of Graphic Design and a Holocaust Educator. All of my faculty art exhibitions are my creative expression about my nightmares. I even created a commercial for Holocaust Ed in 2014 using new digital film apps, and my artwork.

Have you ever considered finding a therapist who has the same spiritual beliefs as you do? Whether you be Christian, Jewish, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. For me, this was the key.
Someone from the Jewish community reached out to me in 2013 after reading one of my blogs, and my rampant anger about how no therapist had ever been successful in ever helping me get control of my nightmares. They asked if I had ever considered talking to a Rabbi, who was also a licensed psycho therapist. I was willing to give it a try.

Within 6 months, he was able to get the nightmares to stop. He also was able to correctly diagnose me with Complex PTSD.

I am currently writing to you from Israel. I'm on sabbatical this year as a Professor. I decided to pick up a Master's in Holocaust Education in the Holy Land. My therapist? ...In time, he also became my Rabbi. I spent 2 years in therapy with him before getting on a plane and flying halfway across the world to the Holy Land to get the MA in Holocaust Ed. His private practice is in Tsfat, Israel--1 of the 4 holy cities. After a month of attending the university here, I hopped on a bus and took it to Tsfat to spend the Shabbat weekend with my Rabbi and his family. When he picked me up from the bus station--it was the very first time we were to physically meet. The first words he said to me were:
"God has brought you here."

Perhaps it is the same for you?...God has brought you here, to find answers to your questions. The key element that was missing from all my therapy sessions?...The spiritual component. And, fully knowing that someone truly cared about me, wanted to really help me, and wasn't focused on just taking my money and listening to me talk for an hour.

Your anxiety will end...when you find the therapist that you are searching for.
If you are spiritual at all...perhaps try looking for one that has the same spiritual/ religious view that you have.

I am gay. Religion is an enemy, not a friend. Religion is part of the problem.

I don't consider myself religious. I am however, spiritual.
Judaism is not considered a "religion" by Jews--it is considered
a relationship with G-d.

Jews do not pray to angels, Kings, divine spirits or a Messiah.

Also, Reform Judaism embraces the LGBT community.

Perhaps you anger isn't with G-d, but with people on earth who have brainwashed you into believing the Religion is the correct guide to the masses. It isn't.

Judiasm promotes prejudice against LGBTQ people. The Jewish "holy" book, the Bible, has many passages that lie about LGBTQ people and has promoted prejudice against them for centuries. These lies were then adopted by other major religions.

According to the Bible, LGBTQ people are an "abomination." The story of Sodom & Gomorrah promotes the murder of LGBTQ people as if it's god's will because it claims they are immoral.

LGBTQ people are, and have always been, perfectly normal. The Bible's teachings on homosexuality are all complete lies that have caused the suffering and in many cases, death, of LGBTQ people. I have experienced this prejudice many, many times.

If you think that by adopting a religion with a long-standing policy against LGBTQ people, of which I am one, is going to help treat my C-PTSD, then you have no clue.

Being gay is no reason to not believe in religion. I have many gay friends that are very much Christain and go to church regularly. Some to a predominant gay church some to a straight church that welcomes them. But being a Christain is more than going to church. You can read a Bible at home. Religion, to me, is something of the heart and mind, a personal journey. There's even a book about what the Bible really says about gay people. Might be worth a try.

Actually, yes it is. The Bible is mostly mythology with a few values to live by thrown in for credibility. The application of those values is very hypocritical (especially if you are LGBTQ). A lot of the beliefs are downright untrue and dangerous.

I tried going to mass and reading scripture and so forth. I attended religious school for 12 years from grade school through high school. Religion is overrated. I am better off avoiding it.

I used to have a Jewish friend (may she rest in peace) who used to say about the Bible, "That book has ruined more peoples' lives!" She was right!