[peaches100]

Can anybody relate to this email I sent my t?

Hi T,

I'm coming for my session today. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it might help us know where to focus our work.

I still struggle with feeling tense in my sessions. The Protector is still active in keeping a distance between you and the parts of me that feel longing, pain, and need. There does not seem to be a way to convince the Protector that allowing little parts to participate in therapy work will turn out well for them, rather than hurt them.

The Protector has seen how letting those parts interact with you brings up their painful needs and longings to have the kind of relationship with you that they couldn't have with mom. But the Protector has also seen how our therapy relationship has not been able to give them the amount of contact, comfort, time, affection, etc., that they need, and how much disappointment and pain it causes them. It triggers all of the same feelings they had in the past because mom couldn't provide it either.

The Protector serves a big purpose in therapy. It keeps me in my adult mind, and keeps hurt parts at enough distance from you, so that the painful cycle of having needs that can't be met doesn't keep hurting me again and again. I'm sorry that it also keeps me feeling tense in my sessions, and sometimes unable to connect with my hurt parts. But I don't know what else to do right now. Staying distant keeps me from doing the work we need to do, but getting closer seems like it is almost sure to keep causing longings for things that can't be.

I know none of this is new to you. You know it already. I seem to need to say it over and over again. I don't know why. I guess it just always forefront in my mind.

I hope that the resetting emotions thing we are doing will help. I have to admit it doesn't make much sense how picturing an emotion as a visual thing until the picture changes is going to achieve anything. But I haven't felt a lot of shame this past week, so that's good. I'm willing to keep doing it.

Peaches

[PumpkinPieHead]

Very powerful. I bet your T loves it. Good luck out there

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Can anybody relate to this email I sent my t?

Hi T,

I'm coming for my session today. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it might help us know where to focus our work.

I still struggle with feeling tense in my sessions. The Protector is still active in keeping a distance between you and the parts of me that feel longing, pain, and need. There does not seem to be a way to convince the Protector that allowing little parts to participate in therapy work will turn out well for them, rather than hurt them.

The Protector has seen how letting those parts interact with you brings up their painful needs and longings to have the kind of relationship with you that they couldn't have with mom. But the Protector has also seen how our therapy relationship has not been able to give them the amount of contact, comfort, time, affection, etc., that they need, and how much disappointment and pain it causes them. It triggers all of the same feelings they had in the past because mom couldn't provide it either.

The Protector serves a big purpose in therapy. It keeps me in my adult mind, and keeps hurt parts at enough distance from you, so that the painful cycle of having needs that can't be met doesn't keep hurting me again and again. I'm sorry that it also keeps me feeling tense in my sessions, and sometimes unable to connect with my hurt parts. But I don't know what else to do right now. Staying distant keeps me from doing the work we need to do, but getting closer seems like it is almost sure to keep causing longings for things that can't be.

I know none of this is new to you. You know it already. I seem to need to say it over and over again. I don't know why. I guess it just always forefront in my mind.

I hope that the resetting emotions thing we are doing will help. I have to admit it doesn't make much sense how picturing an emotion as a visual thing until the picture changes is going to achieve anything. But I haven't felt a lot of shame this past week, so that's good. I'm willing to keep doing it.

Peaches

Oh yes, I can relate. The wanting to get better, but the fear of letting someone in to help. Then the attitude of the therapist, well...you are not ready for counseling if you don't want to open up. It's not a matter of wanting to, I want to, my head doesn't trust you enough to do that and your attitude just confirmed my head was right. It's a lot of push and pull in the head.

[Abby]

I relate. Or at least I feel I can. I think I have a similar issue.

I feel I have an intense need for something...not even sure what...safety?...which I'm well aware my therapist cannot fulfil. And I also know it is not about her fulfilling it really. I've been in therapy for long enough to know that. But I also know whenever I go near those feelings of desperately needing relief from the pain, she seems to be the one I turn to... probably because she cannot give it or is blank....which all makes no sense. So these days I don't go near my wants and wishes as there is absolutely no point. She cannot give me what I want realistically because even I don't know what it is and I know that I don't really want what she has to give as my pain is from a deeper place, beyond here and now actions. Even if I was given everything I ever wanted from her, it wouldn't be what I wanted because I don't want contact with her, I want contact and connection with what was. So like your protector, I try my best to turn it off, to stop the cycle of asking and needing what can't be etc. Except when I'm 'triggered' (for want of a better word) this seems to go out the window and I feel utterly denied by her...and I feel that I am hurting myself more by continually denying what I feel I want yet logically know I wouldn't get. It hates the logic... But I continue to reject my needs continually though because, as I said, I can't get those fulfilled externally so why ask for it...and that all hurts to high hell. I'm not sure if it hurts more than the original pain, I don't think if does, but it's an additional layer of pain I don't want or need.

I don't have any answers for you. I dived into the feelings two odd years ago and I'm only just resurfacing from that extreme trauma that nearly killed me physically. Now, i refuse to get into the cycle of denying myself what I need but I'm not going to dived into the deep longing either. Neither is productive for me and I want what will help me.

Honestly, the only way I see that my pain can be helped is to connect with myself. The hurt parts can always connect with me, I will always be there for them. My therapist cannot be. Of course, this is also a lie and they know it. I haven't always been there for them. My current major issue is that they either don't and won't listen to me because they don't trust me (and honestly I wouldn't trust me either as I've done a rather **** job at protecting them but a wonderful job at keeping a functioning facade to the world instead...I wish I'd collapsed earlier...when I was little...oh well.) Or I don't have the energy or even sometimes a huge compassion for them. Of course I don't want them to be in pain but they're also pretty boring and really drag me down sometimes. I can be compassionate for only so long before I'm sick of their constant whining need. So that leads me back into trying to find a temporary self soothe from outside me which never really helps and goes back to the original issue above.

It sounds as though you trust your therapist. It sounds as though the pain is keeping you stuck. It also sounds as though a part of you doesn't trust your therapist and that's pretty understandable to me. She has to go at the end of sessions, she isn't going to be there every minute reflecting you in the way you need her too... I find it hard to trust myself...I don't trust others even though I know their intentions are good, I just know she can't give me what I truly need. Maybe staring at the pain head-on will allow things to change? I'd be really interested in doing that. My issue is sustaining that gaze though as my whole life I've turned away from it when it hurts too much and also how to cope with staring at it beyond the therapy session. It's going to create rage if you stare at it and she says bye.... And I realise I slipped into talking about me here and my situation...

I'd be interested in how you re-set emotions. I don't think I'd want to reset mine...but I want to face them head on. But I also think I'll die if I do that. I don't know if you feel like that? The thing is logically I know I won't die but the terror is very real. And I get so angry that it stops me and keeps me stuck.

I hate being stuck but don't know how to become unstuck. I hope you relate to this. I hope you find a way forward if you do, because maybe you can tell me what the way is. I hate repeating the same thing over and over again too. I try not to bother now...

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

Very powerful. I bet your T loves it. Good luck out there

Thanks, Pumpkin Pie Head! I hope my t liked it. I've written so much to her during my years of therapy, I sometimes think it has lost some of its effect.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Oh yes, I can relate. The wanting to get better, but the fear of letting someone in to help. Then the attitude of the therapist, well...you are not ready for counseling if you don't want to open up. It's not a matter of wanting to, I want to, my head doesn't trust you enough to do that and your attitude just confirmed my head was right. It's a lot of push and pull in the head.

Trace14,

You expressed it perfectly! That conflict between trusting - and fear of trusting - is very strong. Sometimes, I don't think t's realize how difficult it is for us to open up and trust them to the degree that is necessary to do deep therapy work. If they have not suffered some of the traumatic relationship experiences we have, it may be hard for them to understand why we can't just trust them easier.

[peaches100]

Hi Abby,

I had so much to say in response to your post, I sent you a pm.

Peaches