[Purple Heart]

Hi

A few years ago I saw myself as having PTSD. Then after a while I realised I'm not getting over it and its very intense - the flashbacks. Also accompanied with this are horrible physiological and emotional states that make you feel you're in hell! So I then heard about complex-PTSD and basically self-diagnosed myself as meeting the criteria (even though not addressed in the DSMV). Later, my current T affirmed my self-diagnosis.

I have also discovered and come to the conclusion that I was sexually abused on a regular occurrence as a child. I believe due to the multiple sexual abuses explains why it is taking me so long to recover. I've also had numerous flashbacks of being verbally abused.

Its a belief in society that sexual abuse is committed by strangers, in my childhood I heard the phrase 'stranger-danger'. But unfortunately, in most cases, the perpetrator is known to the child. The same in my case. My sexual abuse isn't the normal story of how it usually happens. I'm a man and was sexually abused by women in my family when I was a boy. Society points to men as the common perpetrator, but people forget that women can be perpetrators too! The thing is I've been working through a lot of flashbacks of sexual abuse by these women. It just goes on and on and on. Not to mention the detrimental impact it has had on my sexuality. I think if I was gay it would be a lot easier to engage in adult intimacy. But I'm not gay so I have to confront the evils done to my sexuality in order to function sexually with a woman.

I have had a lot of 'ah ha' moments the last four years. I can make sense of everything now as I look back on my life - the low self-esteem, the emptiness within, no identity or vision for the future. I have been lost most of my life and not to mention the major depression I had for over a decade! This all makes sense now. I'm connecting the dots between the childhood sexual abuse at age 12 & 14 and the impact it has had on my adulthood. I'm still dealing with immense guilt and shame and still find it hard to understand it was not my fault.

I'm middle-aged now and I've had amnesia of the abuse all my adult life. I only started recovering memories five years ago. I'm told this is normal because I'm in a safe place and my brain wasn't ready to deal with the traumas hidden within earlier. I find as I work through the traumas and the associated hell that accompanies it, I become more clearer in the mind and more functional as an adult. But it seems this will take a long time to do. I guess what is now happening is healing from the nightmare.

So after giving you a small insight into my life, can anybody else relate to my story? How do you cope with complex-PTSD? Do you find its never-ending? Has anyone been confronted with multiple experiences of abuse by one perpetrator like me? Has anyone 'come through' and are now healed?

I hope to get replies. Thanks

PH

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Hi

A few years ago I saw myself as having PTSD. Then after a while I realised I'm not getting over it and its very intense - the flashbacks. Also accompanied with this are horrible physiological and emotional states that make you feel you're in hell! So I then heard about complex-PTSD and basically self-diagnosed myself as meeting the criteria (even though not addressed in the DSMV). Later, my current T affirmed my self-diagnosis.

I have also discovered and come to the conclusion that I was sexually abused on a regular occurrence as a child. I believe due to the multiple sexual abuses explains why it is taking me so long to recover. I've also had numerous flashbacks of being verbally abused.

Its a belief in society that sexual abuse is committed by strangers, in my childhood I heard the phrase 'stranger-danger'. But unfortunately, in most cases, the perpetrator is known to the child. The same in my case. My sexual abuse isn't the normal story of how it usually happens. I'm a man and was sexually abused by women in my family when I was a boy. Society points to men as the common perpetrator, but people forget that women can be perpetrators too! The thing is I've been working through a lot of flashbacks of sexual abuse by these women. It just goes on and on and on. Not to mention the detrimental impact it has had on my sexuality. I think if I was gay it would be a lot easier to engage in adult intimacy. But I'm not gay so I have to confront the evils done to my sexuality in order to function sexually with a woman.

I have had a lot of 'ah ha' moments the last four years. I can make sense of everything now as I look back on my life - the low self-esteem, the emptiness within, no identity or vision for the future. I have been lost most of my life and not to mention the major depression I had for over a decade! This all makes sense now. I'm connecting the dots between the childhood sexual abuse at age 12 & 14 and the impact it has had on my adulthood. I'm still dealing with immense guilt and shame and still find it hard to understand it was not my fault.

I'm middle-aged now and I've had amnesia of the abuse all my adult life. I only started recovering memories five years ago. I'm told this is normal because I'm in a safe place and my brain wasn't ready to deal with the traumas hidden within earlier. I find as I work through the traumas and the associated hell that accompanies it, I become more clearer in the mind and more functional as an adult. But it seems this will take a long time to do. I guess what is now happening is healing from the nightmare.

So after giving you a small insight into my life, can anybody else relate to my story? How do you cope with complex-PTSD? Do you find its never-ending? Has anyone been confronted with multiple experiences of abuse by one perpetrator like me? Has anyone 'come through' and are now healed?

I hope to get replies. Thanks

PH

Yes, I do relate and it is a vicious cycle of ups and downs. It's suppose to get easier but never go away, which really makes sense, memories never go away.

[MtnTime2896]

You're definitely right, women can be the predators, it happened with my best friend.

No, it never goes away but it can become bearable through trauma therapy and time. EMDR is useful for this and a newer technique called Brain Spotting has been known to work wonders. You'll always feel it, but it won't be as severe. Like you, I didn't realize what happened to me until it came on very suddenly. I knew it was there but I didn't understand, dots didn't connect and it was shoved to the back of my mind where all the bad things go. It didn't stay there and hit me like a freight train going 80. The longer it stays unaddressed and/or buried, the more difficult it is to get over, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Just makes it a bigger pain in the ***.

[Parva]

I didn't realize I was abused until a year into therapy. I suppose it just kind of seemed normal until the day I realized it wasn't. Then one by one, memories started coming back.

I can't comment on the sexual abuse, but I can tell you that the feeling of emptiness is awful. And sorry, no one who hasn't lived with that emptiness can understand. Neruofeedback is helpful. I hear so is EMDR, but my last T regrettably screwed that up...I write a lot - often to share with my T and sometimes poems to try and express the sense of what this is like.

cPTSD - We few, we proud, we survivors.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

You're definitely right, women can be the predators, it happened with my best friend.

No, it never goes away but it can become bearable through trauma therapy and time. EMDR is useful for this and a newer technique called Brain Spotting has been known to work wonders. You'll always feel it, but it won't be as severe. Like you, I didn't realize what happened to me until it came on very suddenly. I knew it was there but I didn't understand, dots didn't connect and it was shoved to the back of my mind where all the bad things go. It didn't stay there and hit me like a freight train going 80. The longer it stays unaddressed and/or buried, the more difficult it is to get over, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Just makes it a bigger pain in the ***.

Thanks. I've been using EMDR for almost a year now with a T. He is very good and compassionate, even extends the sessions so as to ensure I have a fruitful session with EMDR. The thing is I seem to have multiple events with the same abuser which explains why it has taken so long to get the trauma out of my system. No wonder I was so sick mentally in adulthood. So many people within the family were abusing me. I've never heard of brain spotting, how does it work?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Thanks. I've been using EMDR for almost a year now with a T. He is very good and compassionate, even extends the sessions so as to ensure I have a fruitful session with EMDR. The thing is I seem to have multiple events with the same abuser which explains why it has taken so long to get the trauma out of my system. No wonder I was so sick mentally in adulthood. So many people within the family were abusing me. I've never heard of brain spotting, how does it work?

Imagine EMDR but with a hardcore safety net. EMDR wasn't recommended for me because I dissociate real bad when having to relive and I also have multiple traumas. So, when the reliving gets too hard, my T then refocuses my attention and thought process back to calm serene memories. Puts me at peace before taking me out. This keeps the dissociation from happening.

[Fuzzybear]