[it'sgrowtime]

My counselor and I have never discussed c-ptsd. I'm not sure if she's heard of it. I saw it here on the forums. she says I'm working through PTSD. She thinks my cancer/treatment started the condition, and the condition continued when I suffered another major, though not life-threatening, setback (daughter abused, my mother chose abuser). She knows about my childhood abuse, and it is the major hurdle we've been making our way towards.

I know I experienced disassociation and extreme anxiety during my youth. I compensated in many ways, and appeared successful and normal..but I was not. my first flashback that I for sure recall happened before I knew I had cancer. I had been trying to recall the childhood abuse, and suddenly I was in the past, sweating, gripping the blankets, terrified. I think I've always had PTSD, but tried so hard to avoid triggers and thoughts/memories, so I didn't have "flashbacks" until I was older, and could no longer avoid.

Sometimes I think I'm nothing but compensations, even my passions. I need to be more positive about myself, I know.

I don't exactly have a question, but the question is me. I write this to document, otherwise I will write on paper in a disorganized mess that i would soon throw away, and forget.

I've tried so hard to keep the past feeling like the past, and i suppose I can celebrate since I'm mostly succeeding on that front.
My longstanding problem is self doubt. Having PTSD and anxiety causes my self doubt, plus all the bad programming my parents put in me.
I chip away at programming, I disentangle myself from my parents, I struggle to accept I resemble them in ways that might be okay, I'm struggling with shame.
My longstanding problem is shame.

I hate to be were my father was before his death..examining shame. My fathers death is triggering.
I hate to be feeling worthless and childish, like my mother feels...her problems with that make her become complicit with abusers. Thinking about disassociation and denial about abusers is triggering.
Getting out and away from these things is like navigating through a mine field.
I need protection. I think I need to outsmart, out-love shame.

[Skeezyks]

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thank you, skeezyks. I'm feeling some pride today

[Unrigged64072835]

Thank you for writing this. I know it's hard to get things out.

[Open Eyes]

Shame is something a lot of people struggle with ((it'sgrowtime)). A lot of people get good at hiding it too. The problem that contributes to shame is how society tends to set us up for it because of how society has these ideas of what life is supposed to be. Society sends constant messages of how someone is supposed to strive for perfection, getting all A's and being the best at school, most popular, best hair, best eyes, who's the prettiest, who is the most likely to succeed. Then there is what's in to wear and the pressure that takes place to make sure you are wearing what's in style. Then there is a certain kind of house that one should have to prove they are some kind of success or have status or are important and worthy of respect. That old saying never really changed either "Keep up with the Jones's".

Only one person can be valedictorian so the one that came close is ashamed they did not quite make the grade. There is always some way of raising the bar, something to prove one is better than or at the very least qualifies for acceptance. One can be a strong person, yet not strong enough, one can be the nicest person, but not nice enough and there are so many "not enough's" and there always will be because no one is EVER perfect.

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Shame is something a lot of people struggle with ((it'sgrowtime)). A lot of people get good at hiding it too. The problem that contributes to shame is how society tends to set us up for it because of how society has these ideas of what life is supposed to be. Society sends constant messages of how someone is supposed to strive for perfection, getting all A's and being the best at school, most popular, best hair, best eyes, who's the prettiest, who is the most likely to succeed. Then there is what's in to wear and the pressure that takes place to make sure you are wearing what's in style. Then there is a certain kind of house that one should have to prove they are some kind of success or have status or are important and worthy of respect. That old saying never really changed either "Keep up with the Jones's".

Only one person can be valedictorian so the one that came close is ashamed they did not quite make the grade. There is always some way of raising the bar, something to prove one is better than or at the very least qualifies for acceptance. One can be a strong person, yet not strong enough, one can be the nicest person, but not nice enough and there are so many "not enough's" and there always will be because no one is EVER perfect.

thank you for these examples. I do have body shame, which goes way back. Also great shame when I feel naive. The worst part is how shame causes people (me) to shut down, and not solve problems. You make a good point...I don't have to be thinking, "I'm not proud enough; I'm not healthy enough."

I feel shame for having problems and not being able to think clearly, or control my fears. I feel shame about abuse. Right now, those things feed each other in a loop. But, I have better control over it than I did before. It seems like there is something I'm missing, some perspective I lack.