[Open Eyes]

I definitely have complex PTSD. And all that really means is that someone is struggling with an accumulation of "trauma and abuse and neglect" that can begin in their early childhood.

I was thinking about my exaggerated startle response when it comes to doors.
There are so many situations with doors in my past and the "it came right at me". And how other people blew up in anger and turned that in my direction, took it out on me, dumped on me long before I had any way of knowing how to defend myself or understand it at all.

These chills I get? Truth is, they have always been there, only now they come on stronger and longer than ever.

Have you ever seen an abused/traumatized animal "shiver"? That's how I get. What I do with the hair dryer? I have practiced this ever since I first got a hair dryer. When I was little in my crib my mother had a space heater on the floor in my room, I used to climb out of my crib and sit next to it until I felt warm and relaxed and could climb back into my crib and sleep.

Hormones? no, it's not the hormones that most think of, instead it is "stress" hormones.

A lot of times I hesitate with sharing what I am learning, how my history plays such a big role in that too. I don't want to frighten others tbh.

People say, that was the past, you need to be in the now. Yet, I have some very toxic things going on in the "now" that definitely triggers the past to come forward. I have a lot of flashes, I have a lot of trauma in my history that I never imagined would present the way it has been with this ptsd/complex ptsd.

OMG, there are so many situations where I experienced someone mean and taking it out on me, that come through all these doors and right at me.

I have this happening right now with my older sister and what is taking place with my elderly parents. She has most definitely come at me in rages and blames me when I genuinely did not do anything wrong. I am starting to try to look at her rages towards me, directed at me that is not the truth, but her fears and distorted ideas that she takes out on others have gotten out of hand.

It's hard in that I love my parents and want to spend time with them but every time I do my sister looks for something she can do to turn it into a negative. What I am recognizing is how she never got over having to share my parents with two younger siblings. What I am seeing is how, on a deep subconscious level, she wants my parents to feel that SHE was their best child and most deserving and her two siblings were "bad" and undeserving.

There was a dynamic that took place that I was born into that there was NO WAY, I would understand it, but I have recorded it throughout my entire body.

[TrailRunner14]

(((Hug))). I can understand and relate to what you are walking through.

I don't have words, except what I have posted in a thread I started last week, I think.

I am here though, and I hear you.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I definitely have complex PTSD. And all that really means is that someone is struggling with an accumulation of "trauma and abuse and neglect" that can begin in their early childhood.

I was thinking about my exaggerated startle response when it comes to doors.
There are so many situations with doors in my past and the "it came right at me". And how other people blew up in anger and turned that in my direction, took it out on me, dumped on me long before I had any way of knowing how to defend myself or understand it at all.

These chills I get? Truth is, they have always been there, only now they come on stronger and longer than ever.

Have you ever seen an abused/traumatized animal "shiver"? That's how I get. What I do with the hair dryer? I have practiced this ever since I first got a hair dryer. When I was little in my crib my mother had a space heater on the floor in my room, I used to climb out of my crib and sit next to it until I felt warm and relaxed and could climb back into my crib and sleep.

Hormones? no, it's not the hormones that most think of, instead it is "stress" hormones.

A lot of times I hesitate with sharing what I am learning, how my history plays such a big role in that too. I don't want to frighten others tbh.

People say, that was the past, you need to be in the now. Yet, I have some very toxic things going on in the "now" that definitely triggers the past to come forward. I have a lot of flashes, I have a lot of trauma in my history that I never imagined would present the way it has been with this ptsd/complex ptsd.

OMG, there are so many situations where I experienced someone mean and taking it out on me, that come through all these doors and right at me.

I have this happening right now with my older sister and what is taking place with my elderly parents. She has most definitely come at me in rages and blames me when I genuinely did not do anything wrong. I am starting to try to look at her rages towards me, directed at me that is not the truth, but her fears and distorted ideas that she takes out on others have gotten out of hand.

It's hard in that I love my parents and want to spend time with them but every time I do my sister looks for something she can do to turn it into a negative. What I am recognizing is how she never got over having to share my parents with two younger siblings. What I am seeing is how, on a deep subconscious level, she wants my parents to feel that SHE was their best child and most deserving and her two siblings were "bad" and undeserving.

There was a dynamic that took place that I was born into that there was NO WAY, I would understand it, but I have recorded it throughout my entire body.

You know yourself better than anyone else.I'm sorry if anything I said in another thread made you feel invalidated.I was just offering possible reasons for the chills you get and sharing my own experience with them.

I totally understand toxic things in the present triggering things from the past.

My startle response with doors has it's own story behihd it,different than yours,but I do totally understand that too.

I'm sorry for everything you are going through and have been through.

[Open Eyes]

You did not trigger me Ruby, not at all. I was just thinking about what all these flashes I experience contain and how these chills present too.

[it'sgrowtime]

It's good too let this stuff out. It's easier to make sense of things when it's there to see, and look back at. researching is a smart thing to do, I think. When I was a kid, I learned from the GI Joe cartoon that "Knowing is half the battle." I never forgot that, and it still gives me comfort and hope.

It makes perfect sense that the toxic things you have going on today are hard enough, but then they trigger the past, and it makes problem solving and properly protecting ourselves..or thinking we need to protect ourself...difficult. I guess even if technically we are physically safe now, it doesn't feel that way sometimes. I learned that our body's responses can't tell the difference between these types of threats. So we have to break through the response and find our footing. It's really hard to do without a reassuring hand to guide us, and back us up. We work on learning about the "disorder," developing our self worth/esteem, developing our communication and coping skills,....and more. It's a lot, but we have to do it.

All the sensations that can come up with cptsd are hard to deal with. Chills, pain, hot feelings, tingles... I've had this rattle inside where I feel like I could come apart. Or I've felt like gears in my head are changing direction and reforming. It's scary not knowing what it all is, but I landed on metamorphosis, and that's hopeful.

Your sister had power over you when you were little, maybe she thinks shes powerless without that leverage. But she's guarding something, when she could be having more by sharing. She may never outgrow that, and it's her pain that she spills onto others. Then you have to make sense of the mess and the hurt. Something else i learned from tv, "don't try to make sense out of nonsense." I've done far more of my fair share of trying to live around and believe in other's nonsense. When I was able to see them for what they really were (dysfunctional people trying to avoid certain truths and feelings, etc.), then I felt more equal in power, and could better enforce boundaries, And not take their bait or live in their unhealthy perceptions. It's hard to believe in oneself after someone with more power took our footing.

We are all trying our best here, and I really appreciate your posts and insight openeyes.

[Open Eyes]

Your sister had power over you when you were little, maybe she thinks shes powerless without that leverage. But she's guarding something, when she could be having more by sharing.

Yes, this is true, she is guarding something (control over my parents) in unhealthy ways when if things were done in "healthy" ways she would be able to have more help.