[Trace14]

Thinking about my childhood I can see now that a lot of things would have been better, if adults had stepped in to help, protect and guide me. I know that now. I see their mistakes. But were they mistake back then? Only speaking of my own experiences here. There's much more awareness for kids these days, people are more open to recognize struggles kids are having, people that are not good for them to be around, keeping a closer check in their overall health and welfare. For the most part that is.
I just struggle with finding blame or fault if they didn't know better. If that was the norm for society at that time. Or the norm for how they were raised as children and young adults.
I admit I overthink. But part of that is wanting to know the truth and make sure I am looking at all sides before making a decision.

[pegasus]

*triggering*

Yes things were different back then... children should be seen and not heard.... I do remember trying to speak to several teachers at one point and the answer was... shall we talk to your parents about this!! Really, that shut me up. And back then the 'grown ups' knew best, right. Also I think back then there was a lot of awful underground pedophilia amongst celebrities. Did that make abuse of children more acceptable? I don't know but I think nowadays people are more aware, don't brush it under the carpet and genuinely have realised that children don't make up stories and they do need to be listened to...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by pegasus

*triggering*

Yes things were different back then... children should be seen and not heard.... I do remember trying to speak to several teachers at one point and the answer was... shall we talk to your parents about this!! Really, that shut me up. And back then the 'grown ups' knew best, right. Also I think back then there was a lot of awful underground pedophilia amongst celebrities. Did that make abuse of children more acceptable? I don't know but I think nowadays people are more aware, don't brush it under the carpet and genuinely have realised that children don't make up stories and they do need to be listened to...

I agree, with so many horrible things have went through in the past I think from generation to generation maybe it has gotten a little better and brought us to this awareness now. Women, and children, were a source of a abuse from the biblical days. So there's been a lot of horrible things happen even before us. We still have a long way to go, but I hope with the awareness we have now the cycle will stop.

[Fuzzybear]

And then there were the parents who “just” didn’t care and verbally and physically abused me..

I know I would never do any of that to any child or young adult

I too hope the cycle of abuse stops

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

And then there were the parents who “just” didn’t care and verbally and physically abused me..

I know I would never do any of that to any child or young adult

I too hope the cycle of abuse stops

The way it's progressing I think it will come close one day. Just can't let up on awareness and teaching people how to respect each other and their kids

[Shazerac]

Back when I was a kid it was the norm for parents to beat their kids. It wasn't considered child abuse. My mom would send us out in the back yard to get a switch that she could spank us with or the old standby, a belt.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Back when I was a kid it was the norm for parents to beat their kids. It wasn't considered child abuse. My mom would send us out in the back yard to get a switch that she could spank us with or the old standby, a belt.

and little girls should be seen and not heard......*sigh*......

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Trace14

and little girls should be seen and not heard......*sigh*......

And then blamed by the same parental unit for being “excessively shy”

My mom was mentally ill, much worse than I am, and she had serious problems with rage, which I don’t have. I really think I have anxiety because of it.

I think she would not have gotten away with so much now as she did back then.

[elevatedsoul]

i find it hard to blame anyone for anything...

sure i say there is cause and effect...

their actions created a ripple inside of me...

but their ignorance is also an effect of their upbringing... so who is to really blame...

what a nasty world we live in...

my mind is warped drastically...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by key tones

My mom was mentally ill, much worse than I am, and she had serious problems with rage, which I don’t have. I really think I have anxiety because of it.

I think she would not have gotten away with so much now as she did back then.

I'm sorry that she got away with anything, it's never okay. But sometimes you can look at different influences and understand you were not at fault, it was totally someone else's sickness that caused you pain. (((((Key tones)))))

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i find it hard to blame anyone for anything...

sure i say there is cause and effect...

their actions created a ripple inside of me...

but their ignorance is also an effect of their upbringing... so who is to really blame...

what a nasty world we live in...

my mind is warped drastically...

I understand. It's way more complex than people think.

[SoupDragon]

I wonder what it means to blame?

To be at fault?
To have held the responsibility?
To have had the power to choose to do otherwise?
To have had the skills to have done otherwise?

I try to explore these questions myself. I know for me, holding onto "blame" doesn't help me. Like the quote about anger being ,like holding onto a hot burning coal.

Also do those we blame, have regret? Why did they do the things they did? Was it intentional, knowing that it would cause harm? Was it lack of skills? Were they in a difficult place and therefore had reduced control over their actions?

Can I stop blaming and still hold them responsible, accountable? Do I blame them for their actions at those times and/ or blame them for the effect on me now?

Does letting go of blame have to mean that it didn't / doesn't matter?

I have so many questions when I try to think back.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I wonder what it means to blame?

To be at fault?
To have held the responsibility?
To have had the power to choose to do otherwise?
To have had the skills to have done otherwise?

I try to explore these questions myself. I know for me, holding onto "blame" doesn't help me. Like the quote about anger being ,like holding onto a hot burning coal.

Also do those we blame, have regret? Why did they do the things they did? Was it intentional, knowing that it would cause harm? Was it lack of skills? Were they in a difficult place and therefore had reduced control over their actions?

Can I stop blaming and still hold them responsible, accountable? Do I blame them for their actions at those times and/ or blame them for the effect on me now?

Does letting go of blame have to mean that it didn't / doesn't matter?

I have so many questions when I try to think back.

A lot of good and valid questions, again it goes back to how complex this is. We know that, but does anyone else?

[reb569]

This is a tough topic for me. Yes I blame, not only my father, but some people who knew what was going on, other abusers. I don't blame my mother though. I may circle back on this later. I just can't seem to think clearly on it right now.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I wonder what it means to blame?

To be at fault?
To have held the responsibility?
To have had the power to choose to do otherwise?
To have had the skills to have done otherwise?

I try to explore these questions myself. I know for me, holding onto "blame" doesn't help me. Like the quote about anger being ,like holding onto a hot burning coal.

Also do those we blame, have regret? Why did they do the things they did? Was it intentional, knowing that it would cause harm? Was it lack of skills? Were they in a difficult place and therefore had reduced control over their actions?

Can I stop blaming and still hold them responsible, accountable? Do I blame them for their actions at those times and/ or blame them for the effect on me now?

Does letting go of blame have to mean that it didn't / doesn't matter?

I have so many questions when I try to think back.

I find this hard myself - I find it hard to feel anger - and I find it hard to blame someone who was probably feeling very much like I do now but just lacking the insight and support mechanism to know how to handle it

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

This is a tough topic for me. Yes I blame, not only my father, but some people who knew what was going on, other abusers. I don't blame my mother though. I may circle back on this later. I just can't seem to think clearly on it right now.

Come back when you are ready. It's okay. It's a very complex topic that involves so many external influences as well as internal.