[Trace14]

Trigger *********Trigger**********Trigger
This morning at 0650 hrs my beloved cat died, it was a horrible thing to watch but I didn't want her to die alone. It triggered so many emotions that I had with dad's suicide. Did I do enough? Could I have done more to save her? I'm an emotional wreck. Between sleeping, crying and vomiting until dry heaves I'm worn out. I did get her buried though, that was hard.
She was my fuzzy four legged child, it hurts so bad.

[Yoda]

awww, I am so very sorry that you lost your cat.

I am one of those that gets very attached to my pets.

I am glad you were with her. Though it must have been very difficult for you I think it was important to have that security that your cat felt.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Trigger *********Trigger**********Trigger

This morning at 0650 hrs my beloved cat died, it was a horrible thing to watch but I didn't want her to die alone. It triggered so many emotions that I had with dad's suicide. Did I do enough? Could I have done more to save her? I'm an emotional wreck. Between sleeping, crying and vomiting until dry heaves I'm worn out. I did get her buried though, that was hard.

She was my fuzzy four legged child, it hurts so bad.

I'm very sorry trace 14. You've been through a lot of loss. I'm glad you shared this.

[SvanThor]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Trigger *********Trigger**********Trigger
This morning at 0650 hrs my beloved cat died, it was a horrible thing to watch but I didn't want her to die alone. It triggered so many emotions that I had with dad's suicide. Did I do enough? Could I have done more to save her? I'm an emotional wreck. Between sleeping, crying and vomiting until dry heaves I'm worn out. I did get her buried though, that was hard.
She was my fuzzy four legged child, it hurts so bad.

If there's anything you should know, it's that you gave her the best life she could have had. You did the right thing by staying with her. What an incredibly brave and honorable thing to do. I'm afraid there's nothing you could have done more to save her, but you should know that that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some owners elongate their pets' lives because they are so afraid of losing them that they're willing to let their pets hurt just so they don't have to. You didn't do that. You did the right thing, and I believe that we, in the end, are all reunited with our loved ones, hairless and furry. Hang in there, I know it's hard.

[Out There]

I understand your pain , I lost my beloved furry companion of 18 years in June. It's natural to feel that we or someone could have done more. But we cannot. There is a time for everything. There is a time to be born and a time to die. Your baby will be going on to the next part of her journey now , and someday you will be reunited. We wish our companions would live as long as we do , but they do not. They come into our lives to teach us about love , and they leave to teach us about loss. Another furry friend joined me seven weeks after my loss , although I felt I could not have another cat. If we've loved many cats , we have a big heart.

[Open Eyes]

(((Trace14))),

I am sorry you lost your cat. From what you described you were also with your cat when her body was finally failing her and that really is a very difficult thing to experience. However, your cat was so lucky to have someone there for her in that last struggle of her life. Your cat was so lucky to have someone in her life that took such good care of her and clearly loved her.

That being said, what I am hearing from you is that your grief in this loss goes deeper to where you are feeling guilt about possibly not doing enough or if you may have failed her. You have shared that this experience triggered some very challenging strong emotions about your father's suicide.

While what you have described having so much additional pain from that is so hard on you, it's also giving you an opportunity to talk about how you are grieving what happened with your father that you still need to work on. This has to do with your history of growing up with a parent that himself had some significant challenges that interfered with his ability to bond with you in a healthy way.

Often when a child lives in a dysfunctional home, there are things that they see that frighten them and often that leaves the child with a deep desire to find some way of "fixing" it. This is something that human beings are born with that has to do with "surviving". Human beings instinctively prefer finding ways to be able to "predict" because in being able to predict, there is less stress.

However, there is also something else human beings have built in that is another instinct/drive that helps assure survival. That is the ability to produce adreneline where human beings get a rush of energy and will to go forward in spite of unpredictible and dangerous environments and challenges. You have talked about having an ability to harness this adreneline where you became an individual who had the ability to be in situations that were traumatic, dangerous, unpredictible and yet you remained calm and focused. Some human beings are much better at developing this ability then others, it is these individuals that were very significant in overall survival of humanity.

In your threads that you have shared your experiences with your father, you were always so challenged in connecting with him in a healthy way. That became something you developed a strong desire to overcome. Unfortunately, while you did gain in having a relationship with him, he was still a very challenged human being and got to a point in his life where he made a choice that was extremely traumatic for you to experience. His choice ended any effort you could make to finally have a relationship with him that was healthy and rewarding.

For someone like you that is wired so well to go into something that can be so dangerous and unpredictible, experiencing what your father chose to do left you nothing to reach out to save or fix. You were there for your cat and that was/is a difficult thing to experience, but you are questioning what you may have done that could have prevented that. It's important to be able to also put that into perspective too Trace, because it is that feeling that has also been important to human survival because many human beings that felt that way made it a point to figure out what could have been done that has led to so many things done in medicine that has healed and prolonged life as well as the quality of life.

When it came to your father, his challenge began long before you came into his life. There was no way you could have understood that private challenge much less fix it. Your father also chose to self medicate with alcohol and while that presented him with some sense of relief, it also became toxic, especially to his brain. Your father had gotten to a point where he made a choice that is something you simply could not have changed or fixed. That is where your cat and your father's loss of life is very similar. And for someone like you who is willing to rush into danger, the unpredictible, to save a life, to attain a calm in self in spite of the dangers and uncertainties, it's very hard to be in a position where there is a loss in spite of your presence. This is an experience that often produces what is called "survivors guilt". This is often something that is experienced in individuals who are so strong and have very strong capabilities to have the capacity to run towards a danger instead of running away from.

Your brain has experienced such a trauma that the brain itself has changed. This is not meant to signify any weakness, it's just the brains way of witnessing something that presents an individual with so much overwhelm in emotion that the brain retains the significance of whatever it was. Anyone who personally experiences this most definitely has deep regret, is very sensitive, and while they were strong in the moment of trauma itself, the real strength is in surviving these after affects that we call PTSD.

What you are working towards now Trace is finally getting the point where you can finally accept what happened with your father and also work on helping yourself with finally coming to terms with how there really wasn't anything you had the power to do that could have changed that. Also, it's important to know that your cat and your father are no longer suffering or in pain. What you did give both of them, is your love and they both experienced someone caring about them. That in itself brought quality to their lives.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm so sorry.
It wasn't your fault (neither was dad's sui)...
Hope you are able to get some rest.

[Yours_Truly]

It's so hard. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs...

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Yoda

awww, I am so very sorry that you lost your cat.

I am one of those that gets very attached to my pets.

I am glad you were with her. Though it must have been very difficult for you I think it was important to have that security that your cat felt.

Thank you so much, it's so hard to go through each day without her. She had cancer so it has been a constant care taking event and I miss that.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by leomama

I'm very sorry trace 14. You've been through a lot of loss. I'm glad you shared this.

Thank you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

If there's anything you should know, it's that you gave her the best life she could have had. You did the right thing by staying with her. What an incredibly brave and honorable thing to do. I'm afraid there's nothing you could have done more to save her, but you should know that that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some owners elongate their pets' lives because they are so afraid of losing them that they're willing to let their pets hurt just so they don't have to. You didn't do that. You did the right thing, and I believe that we, in the end, are all reunited with our loved ones, hairless and furry. Hang in there, I know it's hard.

Thank you, she went down hill so fast. If she could have made it just 30 more minutes I was ready to take her to the vet. The opened at 0700 hrs. and she died at 0650 hrs. It was such a heart breaking ,triggering situation. Thanks for the response.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Out There

I understand your pain , I lost my beloved furry companion of 18 years in June. It's natural to feel that we or someone could have done more. But we cannot. There is a time for everything. There is a time to be born and a time to die. Your baby will be going on to the next part of her journey now , and someday you will be reunited. We wish our companions would live as long as we do , but they do not. They come into our lives to teach us about love , and they leave to teach us about loss. Another furry friend joined me seven weeks after my loss , although I felt I could not have another cat. If we've loved many cats , we have a big heart.

Thank you, so sorry for your loss I wish it were that easy to find comfort in seeing them again, but the pain of missing them is much greater. She was an inside house cat and I had spent a lot of time with her the past 6 mos trying to keep her , healthy, happy and alive. Thank you for your response.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((Trace14))),

I am sorry you lost your cat. From what you described you were also with your cat when her body was finally failing her and that really is a very difficult thing to experience. However, your cat was so lucky to have someone there for her in that last struggle of her life. Your cat was so lucky to have someone in her life that took such good care of her and clearly loved her.

That being said, what I am hearing from you is that your grief in this loss goes deeper to where you are feeling guilt about possibly not doing enough or if you may have failed her. You have shared that this experience triggered some very challenging strong emotions about your father's suicide.

While what you have described having so much additional pain from that is so hard on you, it's also giving you an opportunity to talk about how you are grieving what happened with your father that you still need to work on. This has to do with your history of growing up with a parent that himself had some significant challenges that interfered with his ability to bond with you in a healthy way.

Often when a child lives in a dysfunctional home, there are things that they see that frighten them and often that leaves the child with a deep desire to find some way of "fixing" it. This is something that human beings are born with that has to do with "surviving". Human beings instinctively prefer finding ways to be able to "predict" because in being able to predict, there is less stress.

However, there is also something else human beings have built in that is another instinct/drive that helps assure survival. That is the ability to produce adreneline where human beings get a rush of energy and will to go forward in spite of unpredictible and dangerous environments and challenges. You have talked about having an ability to harness this adreneline where you became an individual who had the ability to be in situations that were traumatic, dangerous, unpredictible and yet you remained calm and focused. Some human beings are much better at developing this ability then others, it is these individuals that were very significant in overall survival of humanity.

In your threads that you have shared your experiences with your father, you were always so challenged in connecting with him in a healthy way. That became something you developed a strong desire to overcome. Unfortunately, while you did gain in having a relationship with him, he was still a very challenged human being and got to a point in his life where he made a choice that was extremely traumatic for you to experience. His choice ended any effort you could make to finally have a relationship with him that was healthy and rewarding.

For someone like you that is wired so well to go into something that can be so dangerous and unpredictible, experiencing what your father chose to do left you nothing to reach out to save or fix. You were there for your cat and that was/is a difficult thing to experience, but you are questioning what you may have done that could have prevented that. It's important to be able to also put that into perspective too Trace, because it is that feeling that has also been important to human survival because many human beings that felt that way made it a point to figure out what could have been done that has led to so many things done in medicine that has healed and prolonged life as well as the quality of life.

When it came to your father, his challenge began long before you came into his life. There was no way you could have understood that private challenge much less fix it. Your father also chose to self medicate with alcohol and while that presented him with some sense of relief, it also became toxic, especially to his brain. Your father had gotten to a point where he made a choice that is something you simply could not have changed or fixed. That is where your cat and your father's loss of life is very similar. And for someone like you who is willing to rush into danger, the unpredictible, to save a life, to attain a calm in self in spite of the dangers and uncertainties, it's very hard to be in a position where there is a loss in spite of your presence. This is an experience that often produces what is called "survivors guilt". This is often something that is experienced in individuals who are so strong and have very strong capabilities to have the capacity to run towards a danger instead of running away from.

Your brain has experienced such a trauma that the brain itself has changed. This is not meant to signify any weakness, it's just the brains way of witnessing something that presents an individual with so much overwhelm in emotion that the brain retains the significance of whatever it was. Anyone who personally experiences this most definitely has deep regret, is very sensitive, and while they were strong in the moment of trauma itself, the real strength is in surviving these after affects that we call PTSD.

What you are working towards now Trace is finally getting the point where you can finally accept what happened with your father and also work on helping yourself with finally coming to terms with how there really wasn't anything you had the power to do that could have changed that. Also, it's important to know that your cat and your father are no longer suffering or in pain. What you did give both of them, is your love and they both experienced someone caring about them. That in itself brought quality to their lives.

Wow, once again you are pretty much spot on with most of this. Thank you for taking the time to enter such a thought full post. How did you remember all that? Thanks for responding back.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm so sorry.
It wasn't your fault (neither was dad's sui)...
Hope you are able to get some rest.

Thanks, it still hurts deeply.
Been trying to stay in bed and sleep as much as possible. Just so I didn't have to be awake in the house. I have caught myself calling her. Looking for her, fixing her food bowl, just seems like a horrible dream that I can't wake up from.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Yours_Truly

It's so hard. I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs...

Thank you for responding.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat.

Thank you.

[Trace14]

I want to thank all of you for your posts. I think most people who have pets can relate to this pain, for some the pets are family with so much deep love for them. I guess people without CPTSD maybe could handle this a little better. But I don't know that for sure.
Thanks again everyone.

[Aardwolf]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I understand how that would really cause some emotions to rise up.

I hope you feel better soon

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I'm really sorry for your loss. I understand how that would really cause some emotions to rise up.

I hope you feel better soon

Thank you.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, once again you are pretty much spot on with most of this. Thank you for taking the time to enter such a thought full post. How did you remember all that?

I remember and can understand how what you experienced was extremely traumatic. Yet, I also know you are smart and one of the ways that can help you is bringing in some information that can help you gain more control over the emotional overwhelm. And also the challenge that happens when something significant to someone is suddenly no longer a part of their lives.

I know it's a bit early, but maybe you might consider adopting another cat as that would ease the part in you that still wants that presence where you go through the motions of feeding and caring and having a presence that shows you your care is appreciated.

[cakeladie]

I am sorry for your loss. I have 3 fur babies 2 cats 15 years old and 1 year old and a 9 year old English bull dog. We almost lost our 15 year old (Sunny) last year. It took a lot out of me. My heart goes out to you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I remember and can understand how what you experienced was extremely traumatic. Yet, I also know you are smart and one of the ways that can help you is bringing in some information that can help you gain more control over the emotional overwhelm. And also the challenge that happens when something significant to someone is suddenly no longer a part of their lives.

I know it's a bit early, but maybe you might consider adopting another cat as that would ease the part in you that still wants that presence where you go through the motions of feeding and caring and having a presence that shows you your care is appreciated.

Well I have two other cats, one is older than the one I lost and one is younger. They are missing their friend, their sister, and don't understand why she's not here. They are grieving also. So no , no knew cats for a while. All these were strays and I can't take much more loss right now.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by cakeladie

I am sorry for your loss. I have 3 fur babies 2 cats 15 years old and 1 year old and a 9 year old English bull dog. We almost lost our 15 year old (Sunny) last year. It took a lot out of me. My heart goes out to you.

Thanks so much, the overwhelming trigger is easing a little, been 3 days of dark times. We love them so much. I guess anything you love that much is going to take a piece of you with them. Thanks again.

[Trace14]

I wonder if having CPTSD has anything to do with how we handle death? Or does it make a difference. Seems like I've always had an issue with death, more so than others.