Checking in

Checking in...

I'm changing Ts because I feel like I need another approach. I met one prospective T and she seems good. The other one knows EMDR, though, and that may be helpful with the flashbacks and bad memories. I don't see her until mid-April. I may go with the first one and see how that goes.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow. It hadn't bothered me in previous years, but it is now. I'm thinking it's more for the mother I should've had than the one that was actually present.

Hugs to all of you if you want them.

Going to see psychiatrist in the AM. She doesn't want me as a patient due to my genetic issue with RX drugs. Can't write me prescriptions, so she doesn't want me on her calendar. However, I asked her to keep me on her schedule due to the 8 months it took me to get an appointment with her last year. I want to ask her about TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and if it is available locally. Her office requested my medical records from Psychiatrist/psychologist who were in same office 5 months ago. Request was sent on Oct 2, 2017. No records received as of Jan 29, 2018 when I saw her last. I have confirmation that records have finally been received, especially the pharmacogenomic test results. I want her to see my genetic testing results as my word just doesn't have much credibility.

I asked her Jan 29, 2018 if she had any patients who were considered " treatment resistant". No was her answer. Also asked if she was familiar with kappa opioid receptors being retracted in trauma related illness patients? No again. I don't care much for her, but I am in an area where the demand is much higher than available service providers. Sometimes, you just have to make the most of what you have got!

Will see my new therapist in the afternoon. I like him after just 3 very traumatic sessions. He's willing to work with me in any way/capacity that he can. He also "gets" the invasiveness of recurring, involuntary trauma triggers/responses. We both unaminously agreed that attempting EMDR would not be optimal at this time with all the constant triggers I have NOW. I am grateful I was referred to this therapist.

Surely tomorrow will be a better day!!!!

My check-in:

Easter decorations and candy a PTSD trigger for me. I haven't left my house in a couple of weeks so I haven't really seen any of these items at stores but I know they are out by now. I'm usually a hermit this time of year. T wants me to go out locally once to a store to see how I feel about the decorations compared to last year. She thinks therapy may have helped a bit so I may feel a little better. I plan on going to Walgreens next week but I'm nervous.

Doing okay after having a bad headache most of the day. I ended up sleeping through a shopping trip. I didn't get enough sleep last night because of the pain, so I probably needed it. Got through my mom's birthday okay. I also feel I found a new T so hopefully I can work on my anxiety issues.

My psychiatrist hasn't had time to review my records and was surprised to see me so soon (30 days since last visit so she could request my records AGAIN & review them prior to visit). I presented appointment printout from previous visit to show her SHE scheduled the visit on Jan 29, 2018. WTF?

First question I have for her is "what's the personality disorder we 'addressed' during my Jan 29 office visit"???? Oh, it's Cluster B personality disorders, you can look it up. I saw her originally on Oct 2 after 6 appointment changes over an 8 month period. Jan 29, 2018 was only my 2 visit with her and she is DX me with a personality disorder after less than an hour. But wait, she hasn't had time to review my records because "they're about 100 pages". She did peruse my pharmacogenomic test results, but for some reason has ignored the "significant" impact the absence of a gene has on most of the Rx I have tried. She chose instead to mention that my issue is only "moderate".

A bad psychiatrist/psychologist is WORSE than none at all. Psychiatrist are paid to dispense as many drugs as they can. There are good ones out there who want to help their patients. These are a dying breed, unfortunately. I have had some who did have a god complex and they do more harm than good.

It feels like we are living in a time when mental illness is becoming a silent killer as a direct result of the stigma surrounding the legitimacy of this illness. Why o why? Because acceptance, compassion, empathy and support are vanishing from our society? Maybe I don't want to keep fighting this fight. What's the point? I'm tired and I'm getting weaker every time I pick myself back up.

KYWoman: I hear you on that. Here especially, substance abuse rehab now picks up better psychiatrists than general mental health. My husband and I had good ones before they were pulled for rehab work. We now have a nurse practitioner who's a bit of a ditz. I don't even know if my med scripts reach the pharmacy or not until I get there and wait an hour. I'm sure there's money to be made in rehab, but still...

Still around but not as much. Hope everyone is doing well.

Still afraid, overwhelmed, sad, unable to think clearly. Ready to flee, but nowhere to run. How did this happen? WHY did it happen to me? When will I wake up from this nightmare and find myself in an alternate reality minus the depression, anxiety, panic, FEARS, and loneliness? Today, I'm still living the nightmare and I'm getting weaker every day.

I want to start living again!

Still here. Doing okay at the moment.

Just checking in and trying to catch up on reading and responding.


WC

Hope you are doing well too.

I often ask similar questions so you are not alone.

I have been having a ruff few weeks, but I am still here! I hope you all are having a good day!

Been having a rough day, but I'm here.

I am still around.
Trying to keep up with reading and responding.

Love to All.

WC

So I finally went out amist the triggering Easter decorations and I did better than I expected. Go me! Still can't wait for them to be down though.

I don’t want to hear about the step unit’s sex life. She’s disgusting

Ugh. Yuck. No.

It's been a while since my last check in! I lost 2 aunts on Mother's Day and they were sisters. All 8 of my father's sisters are now gone. As soon as I got the text Sunday afternoon about Aunt 83, I packed a bag out of my storage unit and hit the road to "be there" for cousin in Ohio. Aunt 83 had stage 4 liver cancer after 2 rounds of chemo for 2 different kinds of breast cancer. I'm grateful GOD was merciful! We are saying farewell this afternoon.

Aunt 88 lived in NC, was an Air Force vet from Korean War. She died of pneumonia in both lungs. I hope she wasn't alone! There will be no services. We never met this aunt or knew much about her. I've long suspected she suffered from mental illness due to trauma. I may travel to High Point to seek out cousins I've never met to learn more about my aunt.

Unfortunately, this generation didn't believe in mental illness and chose the "if we ignore it, it will go away" mentality. My parental units still subscribe to this kind of thinking and we have run out of time! Their health is failing and so is mine. We don't think anyone from my family is coming to the service this afternoon. It is a 5 hour drive and I drove my parents up here less than 2 years ago when my uncle died.

I can remember when FAMILY was more important than anything! Until they become TOXIC to your wellness. We are all born to die. I don't believe death is final and I am ready to die. God just doesn't want me right now for some reason.

My dad is 9 of 10 children and now he and his little brother are all that is left. My mother is 7 of 8 children and now she is 1 of 3 left. Death should remind us that our time here is limited and for that reason we should ALWAYS be humble and kind to every person we encounter. But that's not how life happens.

This afternoon is gonna be hard, be we'll get through it. I'm going to try to forget that I'm homeless and hopeless for a few hours to support my cousins today! Thank you fellow members for your compassion, support and encouragement!

(((((( KYWoman ))))))

Thinking of you.


WC

I'm staring at what was my home office that I hardly used. It was a nice setup but my back was to the door and it felt very uncomfortable. I couldn't put my desk anywhere else because the fireplace was in the way and I would have to reroute cables in the middle of the room. So we'll take the doors out and turn it back into an open sunroom.

We finally decided to have the kids move out Aug 15 so we can fix this place up and sell it next spring. We gave them 3 years to set themselves up elsewhere and now it's our turn. I feel good about moving out but there's a lot of work to be done and some money to be spent. They've been looking for apartments and new jobs, so I hope it works out by then.

It's not a bad house but it was bought for my last abuser and that never really went away.

Hi everyone. I also haven't posted here for a while. Love to all.

Kids are now moving out July 13th. I'll miss my daughter but don't know if she'll miss me. Her friends have been a big help for her; she'll be living with two and two more are less than a block away. I think she'll be fine. Not sure about me.

I see trauma T tomorrow for EMDR followup. The first memory we processed worked out well for a test run. I now feel comfortable about the procedure and want to go for the big stuff.

Made it through another holiday weekend! Still experiencing high anxiety, major depression, homelessness and hopelessness. One can only tolerate so much at a time. When will the break happen? Sooner than later? Will it be lethal or life saving?

Found out last week the SSA Appeals Council currently has up to a 2 (TWO) year back log! That truly sucks! Also found out the current "administration" has mandated SSA to DENY 60% of disability cases....off the record of course! Source was an ODAR Administrative Law Judge!! This is sooooo wrong. Millions of us who worked hard all of our lives and paid into SS are being cheated and there is NOTHING we can do about it! I won't be able to survive without it......TICK TOCK!

Sorry bout the RANT! I'm just very, very, very frustrated with the SSA disability process. Also miss checking this site due to limited wifi access. Hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Got my SSDI review paperwork. I'm really worried; although I'm doing better I'm still not ready to go to work. I don't have any degrees and I physically can't stand for long periods of time, either. I just hope I can still have it.

Have another EMDR session on Tuesday. I think we're still working on childhood trauma.