[Carmina]

Almost blew it today. Had a panic attack (well more like a series of them) this morning but had a seminar to facilitate with students and had to somehow pull it together enough to do that. I kept having to go out to take deep breaths and walk for a while while they got on with tasks but it was incredibly hard to face them and try to keep up the brave face. Part of me was wanting to email a colleague who is supportive and tell her I was having a hard time but I always think I should be able to handle things myself and giving up is defeat and that I have to just be brave and face things so I didn't and in the end managed but it wasn't great and afterwards I was so drained, I had to tell my boss I wasn't feeling well and take a bit of time to recover (and now I feel I let too much out to her), then had other students to see.

Every day is like this to an extent but today was especially hard I think for several reasons, I got woken up early so my energy was low, I have a birthday next week and that always brings up thoughts of self harm, I went to a support group the other night and one of my students saw me there; all things that lower my defences. Plus I video'd a lecture yesterday and when I saw it was upset by how much of an idiot I look on camera. And I made a mistake due to forgetting something.

[Skeezyks]

I'm officially retired now. (Actually I stopped working a good 20 years ago... give or take a couple of years.) But my working years were, to a large extent, one great big long panic attack. So I can sympathize with what you wrote here. It's been a couple of days now since you posted this. I hope circumstances have improved for you since then.

[Unrigged64072835]

I hope you're feeling better, Carmina.

[Carmina]

Thanks - I am still keeping going

[HD7970GHZ]

Carmina,

I have to say I find your writing and struggles very inspiring.

Sometimes I get the idea that I'm the only one having a hard time doing everyday things, like work. Seems everyone can do it without blinking an eye. It is so hard just to get through a day. Perhaps it is hard for you to do this, but please be sure to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished! Despite the internal sufferings, from the sounds of it, you are functioning very well. In fact, I would say you are functioning more than most of us and in that case I have to say that you are very strong and resilient when faced with stress! I am both inspired and happy to see that you are able to make things work for you! It gives us hope!!

I had two job interviews yesterday for fairly low-paying jobs that I don't necessarily care about. They are laborious and dull jobs that will ultimately allow me to go to school. I was super nervous about them but at some point I was able to remain aware of my anxiety and foolish nervous talk. I realized that both myself and the interviewer were nervous; on some strange level I found this comforting. I think most people are just better at hiding it. For us sensitive types who have lots of triggers and trauma, I think it is harder for us to hide. Ultimately, everyone is struggling with their own junk and traumas. When I can look at the world this way, there is a power in letting go of the concept that we must present ourselves perfectly in all situations. In fact, in some instances where I have shown vulnerability to others, it usually led to a stronger and more genuine relationship. Construction trades are typically very abusive and it can be a harsh environment for us sensitive folk. I have found that being honest and upfront with them can be helpful. I literally tell them I have trauma and that I am recovering and that if I make a mistake, yelling makes things worse. Obviously not every employer is going to facilitate this, but given that everyone has some degree of struggles, if they are the right employer to work for they will not hesitate to offer empathy instead of abuse.

I am so happy that you feel you can communicate with your coworkers! Have they always been supportive to you in the past? Can you remember what situation precipitated your level of trust with that coworker?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Carmina,

I have to say I find your writing and struggles very inspiring.

Sometimes I get the idea that I'm the only one having a hard time doing everyday things, like work. Seems everyone can do it without blinking an eye. It is so hard just to get through a day. Perhaps it is hard for you to do this, but please be sure to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished! Despite the internal sufferings, from the sounds of it, you are functioning very well. In fact, I would say you are functioning more than most of us and in that case I have to say that you are very strong and resilient when faced with stress! I am both inspired and happy to see that you are able to make things work for you! It gives us hope!!

I had two job interviews yesterday for fairly low-paying jobs that I don't necessarily care about. They are laborious and dull jobs that will ultimately allow me to go to school. I was super nervous about them but at some point I was able to remain aware of my anxiety and foolish nervous talk. I realized that both myself and the interviewer were nervous; on some strange level I found this comforting. I think most people are just better at hiding it. For us sensitive types who have lots of triggers and trauma, I think it is harder for us to hide. Ultimately, everyone is struggling with their own junk and traumas. When I can look at the world this way, there is a power in letting go of the concept that we must present ourselves perfectly in all situations. In fact, in some instances where I have shown vulnerability to others, it usually led to a stronger and more genuine relationship. Construction trades are typically very abusive and it can be a harsh environment for us sensitive folk. I have found that being honest and upfront with them can be helpful. I literally tell them I have trauma and that I am recovering and that if I make a mistake, yelling makes things worse. Obviously not every employer is going to facilitate this, but given that everyone has some degree of struggles, if they are the right employer to work for they will not hesitate to offer empathy instead of abuse.

I am so happy that you feel you can communicate with your coworkers! Have they always been supportive to you in the past? Can you remember what situation precipitated your level of trust with that coworker?

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Thanks - tbh I really don't get through it without blinking an eye and I am not that strong, I am just very well practised over decades at employing largely cognitive/mindful coping strategies to deal with my anxiety but I also 'cheat' a lot by 'parking' anything I can't handle at that particular time, which sometimes comes back and bites me in the *** later (ie I put lot's of stuff off, sometimes till it becomes avoidance rather than coping, and I'm not good at planning beyond the day ahead). I also tend to dissociate very easily which enables me to forget about my immediate needs and just focus on everyone else's needs or the task at hand, which again helps me get through things but isn't always the most positive strategy in the long run (and I am paying for that more and more).

However this takes a lot of energy and when I have not slept well or things get so much that I can't cope with sometimes that facade breaks down - that was the case with my co-worker. It wasn't really a matter of trust or choice, just chance. She asked me how I was one day on the stairs and usually I just say "fine thanks' but that moment I was feeling particularly not fine and just burst into tears. I had to tell her something so shared something and because she is a nice caring person she has stayed supportive. Luckily I do work with caring people and a supportive team and that helps a lot, plus I do love my job even if it challenges me as well. I think without it I really would fall apart - but that's also what scares me at times like last week when I came close to losing it completely.

I hope you are able to achieve your goal of going to 'school' (I presume you mean University/college?)