[JustMe97]

Okay so I am not sure where I fit with the forums. I think I have a problem. I just feel so fake. Everyone loves me. I am the perfect daughter, the perfect sister and friend. Ever since I was little I was the one making the family as a collective look good even though they were such screw ups. Everyone loves how kind and nice I am. I am a nice person to people but I don't feel nice on the inside.

Possible trigger:

Like my brother commits suicide in the room next to me while I am studying for my exams that was supposed to happen the next day. I lost a semesters worth of work. I know I should be traumatised by finding him and having to calm mum down when she came in but I don't. I don't feel bad that he is gone either. Honestly I am annoyed that he didn't wait for mum to leave - if she hadn't found him

I wouldn't be the carer of my little brother. She just wanted to leave and was so emotional. So were my brothers and so were my sisters. Me and dad on the other hand didn't cry once and make jokes about how hysterical people were at the funeral (because my oldest brother had isolated himself for years and we joked about the people were complete strangers).
So now I have to yet again put my life on hold to sort my families mess out but they just keep screwing up. Like I am one of six (five now) and the second youngest yet I am the one who has to fix everything. It sucks because I can't just leave it- the amount of times they have almost gotten themselves killed or actually died .
I don't mind working 38 hours a week to support my family. I really don't. Work is amazing. I am a manager so shifts go the way I want with ease.
So I don't have time for a social life. I don't even want friends though. In high school I had heaps but I only hung around them to uphold an image. I was bullied in primary so I made sure that I upheld social expectations so that wouldn't happen again.

Possible trigger:

I developed bulimia in the fifth grade as a result of some pretty hefty sexual abuse.
So the sexual abuse started when I was 7 then went on til I was 12.

It stopped for 2 yeas then he came back again for a year and so I decided to charge him when I realised he wasn't leaving the second time and he actually started to stalk me to work and school and stuff. Court case lasted two years and the day before my 18th he was formally charged.
I always have something traumatic going on and it sucks. I have to be nice to other people all the time too. I am sick of upholding this image - this pedestal I am put on sometimes feels like a cliffs edge.

[Skeezyks]

Hello JustMe: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One forum in particular, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships forum. Here's a link just in case you haven't already found it:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

You may also want to check out the survivors of abuse forum:

https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/

There is such a thing as "imposter syndrome". I don't know if this is the sort of thing you're experiencing. However here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject plus a link to an article on coping with sexual abuse. This article, by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., also provides links to additional articles on the subject:

Do You Feel Like An Impostor? You're Not Alone!

Do You Feel Like a Fake?

When You Feel Like an Impostor, a Fake or a Fraud

https://psychcentral.com/sexual-abuse/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Open Eyes]

You have had so much happen that you had to basically shut down and numb yourself and disassociate just to survive. It sounds like you have had to put your own life and personal development on hold starting at a very young age too.

Have you ever been able to see a therapist you can talk about all of this with?

[LifelongLoner]

I can relate to numbing yourself due to the horrific events you have survived.

My emotions have been shut down for years. And, I have avoided other people for many years also. I have no friends. I find friendships to be complex and not a lot of fun. Basically, I go to work and then go home and shut the door and shut out the world. It really doesn't work but that is how I cope. If that is the best I can do then I have come to accept it. It seems that, increasingly, toxic behavior is prized in U.S. society. I don't support it.

I have worked on developing empathy for others and have made some progress. I pray that others will do likewise with me.

[JustMe97]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You have had so much happen that you had to basically shut down and numb yourself and disassociate just to survive. It sounds like you have had to put your own life and personal development on hold starting at a very young age too.

Have you ever been able to see a therapist you can talk about all of this with?

Yeah but I have been seeing them on and off since I was 7 years old. The first one I saw would always have my mum in the room with us though. Since they assumed I was anxious and depressed about the bullying they never thought of me being screwed around with - especially since that started on my seventh birthday so I was really young. Since mum was there I was terrified of upsetting her by telling her 'the secret'.
I had no idea about sex so I thought it was completely normal and since my mum and eldest sister had their period at 7 and 9 I was just taught how to out on a pad if I bled. It wasn't until I actually got my period when I was 11 and told my dad that I think I have Gag's baby. My dad was like My parents had planned to give me the talk when I was going to high school at the end of that year. By then it had been going on for six years and by the time I was 11 it was really just another afternoon so I just tried my best to forget and just read my books, The world was really **** to me but I just used my intelligence to avoid any sort of serious discussion. Even typing this somehow terrifies me. So I would just talk about my future and persuade the conversation towards any other topic - so most of the time we would be just talking about how my mum, dad, brothers and sisters were acting (which basically broke down during the court case- which lasted four years thanks to appeals). Like I won the court case and all and he has been charged for related charges since my case made others want to come forward and now they had my case .
I guess I am just exhausted from that whole ordeal. He was put away the day before my 18th and it was also the same day as my university acceptance letter so I kinda just figured that I should take step. The only problem with that is the level of my families dysfunction. I love them all so damn much don't get me wrong. I continuously solve problems that would put a tv sitcom to shame aha
But in all seriousness no I haven't seen anyone really since I was 19 - and I am 21 now.

[JustMe97]

Originally Posted by LifelongLoner

I can relate to numbing yourself due to the horrific events you have survived.

My emotions have been shut down for years. And, I have avoided other people for many years also. I have no friends. I find friendships to be complex and not a lot of fun. Basically, I go to work and then go home and shut the door and shut out the world. It really doesn't work but that is how I cope. If that is the best I can do then I have come to accept it. It seems that, increasingly, toxic behavior is prized in U.S. society. I don't support it.

I have worked on developing empathy for others and have made some progress. I pray that others will do likewise with me.

Yes friendships are hard. I'm good with people because I have been working since I was 14 but anything more than acquaintances is so hard to keep up with! Friendships are really just a waste of time and money, I hate unstructured social situations because people are so overwhelming. It is so much easier to just stay at home and not put that on your shoulders,