Wasn’t Loved

The ‘Wasn’t Loved’ title of this thread has me reflected on all my relationships now, while having my now usual insomnia at 3 am.

I suppose love is a mixed bag. All the people I claim didn’t really love me, did somewhat love me at one time. They just didn’t continue to love me, they didn’t give of themselves to the point where I felt love, or they outright turned on me.

Some only loved me when I did things for them. Maybe that’s the key and ALL of them only acted like that. Is that how people are? Is that how love is supposed to feel?

Some (not some- ALL) have said they think the world of me, but then became caustic and abandoned me, when I enforced boundaries.

With my husband, he just doesn’t have the ability to treat me physically in a way that I feel loved. It’s not his fault. We’re just incompatible that way. I’m sleeping in the other room and not angry or crying anymore thanks to the futility of the situation and meds.

Tisha, why do you see therapy for your son as the only solution? I’m beginning to see that the issue is more severe than I thought at first.

On another side, whatever is happening, having a third person within, I meant your son’s wife, all it’s more complicate. Do you see any possibility to get closer to her. It would help in your relation with your son?
Maybe I’m asking nonsenses.

Thanks for sharing!

I have written a long post about how normal is, even desirable that a son or daughter gets to find themselves in early adulthood. And unluckily, many times, the way for this dreamt independence is confronting the parents and what you can do to help in the relation, But after reading your last posts it has no point.
Again, the situation much harder than I thought.

Can I ask you if you consider your son an easily influenced person?
It got me worried that you didn’t feel that girl as someone in love with your son.
And that’s one more reason why I ask you patience and keep on trying to shorten distance with your son. Don’t give it up but without pressures, only with affection and understanding.
You say he felt controlled by his parents. Even when he maybe completely wrong, you have to consider this aspect because it’s how he felt, even when he might be mislead. This is something to consider.

Tisha, don’t feel guilty. I’m sure you are an excellent mother and surely your husband is an excellent father. And I’m sure you want the best for your son and you miss him, but even the best of relationships are not conflict-free.
Take patience and you will see your kid is gonna “ come back home”

Sometimes we just have to accept that our kids are their own people. Their choices in life might differ from ours and they might in fact change as they grow up.

Yes they might become influenced by their partners. Our kids aren’t an extension of us. It doesn’t matter that you might be conservative. He isn’t you.

My parents are very conservative and I am not. And my daughter is even less conservative. But then she is way more religiously observant than me. Go figure. My husband is conservative, and his kids aren’t, heck I am not. We can’t be all the same. We make do being different.

That’s just how it is. I know it sounds extreme and isn’t always desirable but people are supposed to make their spouses their priority. They have to “leave home” and join their spouses so to speak.

Also relationship with kids change over time. Especially sons. I know my nephew doesn’t call my brother as often as my daughter calls me. He is a guy and sometimes it’s just how it is. I know my brother and sister in law are hurt at times that my nephew spends more time with his in laws. But is it worth it to ruin the family and make a spectacle over it?

I am sure your son loves you and is hurt and I am sure you are a good parent. But you can’t make him be who he is not. He isn’t going to lead the life you want him to lead. He won’t go to schools of your choice or buy things of your choice or marry a girl you like or conduct wedding the way you like. Just isn’t happening. He’ll choose his wife and will do what works for his marriage because that’s what spouses do. That’s just how it is

Thanks anyway guys. I deleted because it isn’t helping me, feeling misunderstood by Divine, and don’t want this to come back to bite me if my son should ever read. Sorry.

I hear you ((Tisha)), I don't discuss my daughter here on the forums. Instead I have chosen to respect her privacy and would never want her to somehow explore at some point and see me sharing about her.

Honestly, there is really no such thing as a "perfect" parent either. We try to raise our children the best we can, and there are going to be things we miss as most of us are ourselves still growing and learning as we are raising them. We simply do NOT always have all the answers. Not only that but the generation your son is in has WAY MORE knowledge and social interaction than we had back when we were their age. When I was my daughter's age I did not have a cell phone or computer like she has now. There is way more "information available" now than when I was younger. This generation is very different and our children ARE going to simply be different than we were. And yes, some things can be extra hard to swallow.

I do understand why you are not confortable talking openly in this thread, that’s why I offered you to talk in private.
I kind of live a similar experience but with my mum and I feel I can’t talk openly about it on public. Even when the probability of her coming to this forum and understanding English, are pretty much the same as me travelling to Hubei (China) just now.

There is something definitely wrong with THEM. I accept it and understand what I’m dealing with now. It’s a shame it went so badly and for no reason. Worthy people will benefit from my contributions. Things happen exactly how they are meant to.

Sometimes, the best is to accept. Sometimes people’s views are so distant that time is needed. Don’t stop wait for the best, though.

This is exactly me & my life. Exactly. I don't believe that's how love is supposed to feel, and I continue to reject it. It's like you order a hamburger and get an old moldy tuna fish sandwich. I don't want that stinky old thing, I want a hamburger! LOL. Don't treat me like crap and think I'm going to like it - it's just not going to happen. That's not love. I don't treat other people like crap. I don't expect to be treated like a princess, but just a common average politeness is bare minimum to me.
My eldest - very similar situation. Drastic change, hates me now, says I'm to blame for everything wrong in the world, etc. It's devastating. Painful. Agonizing. I'm applying the serenity prayer, after a whole lot of tears. I'm trying to accept - this is just the way it is, and my eldest child, now an adult, has joined the rest of the world in simply not loving me. My parents - no love. Husbands, no love. Other family, friends - nothing. No one really cares. Painful, yes. But I learn to deal with it.
A glimmer of hope - sometimes, in a fascinating relationship, people lose themselves in the other person. Then over the years, the new wears off, and someone who was overwhelmed by the force of another's personality will sort of wake up, and say, Woah, that's not me! Hopefully that'll happen with your son, and he'll come around.