[lynn P.]

I admit I have issues with trusting people in general. I wasn't always like this - in fact when I was a teenager into my 20's I considered myself kind of naive really.

I have suffered from some unfortunate eye opening experiences. For example I was almost assaulted by my BIL. I went through a period of parental alienation with my now deceased mother, but we patched things up later on. The biggest blow came from my marriage and I'm not going to say the long story here but it's on my profile.

I've felt like this for a long time and I think these feelings were triggered by my daughter experiencing a betrayal of sorts by her friend stealing her wallet.

I'm left wondering if people can ever be truly trusted and is it okay to assume people can be trusted. It seems to me the world and morals are deteriorating - "watch your back, dog eat dog mentality". I try not to be pessimistic to my kids, yet I have told them "if you share a deep secret with someone, they may tell someone else".

[Belle1979]

I don't want to trust.. but in the end I do (hence getting hurt again).. I wish I could have the dog eat dog mentality...
Maybe there are two different type of trust? One that you give out freely (trust in getting your monies worth when you buy something etc) and the other trust - in trusting an actual person?
The second one is impossible

[wontgiveup]

It it hard to trust nowadays...but, to not trust at all is just as damaging. In life we must take chances...in those moments when it's hard to trust man, keep trusting God

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough. ~Frank Crane

The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust. ~Henry L. Stimson

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships. ~Stephen R. Covey

The sting of betrayal may leave a residue that lasts a lifetime. How unfortunate. I say that because to not trust again means the act of one has left its taint on all.

Yes, betrayal is profoundly unsettling. The one betrayed may not be able to trust that person again. To visit the sins of the betrayer upon another who has not betrayed, however, is an act of sabotage that will undermine the viability of any new relationship.

To trust or not is a choice. Taking your time in a relationship before trusting completely makes sense. Expecting to be betrayed going into a relationship does not.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

To trust or not is a choice. Taking your time in a relationship before trusting completely makes sense. Expecting to be betrayed going into a relationship does not.

Really??

Man I am REALLY messed up if i prefer/agree with what you said in reverse...

[madisgram]

i can totally relate, lynn. i too was naive as an early adult. what i learned in therapy is to set boundaries with others and if they step over that line, i remove myself from the relationship somewhat. in other cases i remove myself totally from that person/persons. in a general sense what you stated is more true today than ever before. i believe many ppl have corrupt values and i need to be alert to that. not paranoid, just very aware. the flip side is that i try to choose my friends wisely. i know that they can be trusted completely. but this took practice to learn how to choose wisely.
as for family i have learned i cannot trust them at all unfortunately so i keep a healthy distance to protect myself.
re what you tell your children...i once heard a saying-if you want to keep a secret don't tell anyone. makes sense cause it's a secret. it is too tempting to most ppl not to pass on their interpretation of what i say/secret.
and to answer your question, re can one "assume" ppl can be trusted? my answer would be no. but what we can do is be optimistic but careful and choose wisely by ppl's behaviors.

[(JD)]

Before learning to trust one must first learn to judge character. Character is what a person is when no one is looking. Still, one must also realize that from time to time, they will misjudge character. JD.

[notz]

Lynn,

I share this quote with you as I use it to make sense of my own life sometimes. It's the only way I'm able to reconcile the things that have caused my heart to bleed.

Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
- James Buckham

lynn, i think trust is something that is built over time as you get to know someone. say you meet someone at a party and they seem fun and interesting. then you go on a date with them and you see they are rather rude to the waitress. right there, you have gotten to know something more about them and can see some red flags going up. now, if this is one of their only major flaws maybe they are okay but it could be a harbinger of further problems. only more time and getting to know the person will tell and you have to decide if this is something you can tolerate. i don't think trust is an all-or-nothing endeavor until you really, really know someone which takes much time. and yes, even then it is a risk. but life is full of risks. chances are when we get in our cars we most likely won't get into an accident. but it does happen. now, sometimes they are just fender benders and other times they are very serious. but odds are it is still worth it to get in our cars and get out on road. otherwise we miss out on too much of life.

with people i think it's all a process of observing how the person is with you and others as you get to know them bit by bit. does the person talk smack about their other friends with you? well, they are probably doing that about you when with them. do they tell you things that are most likely not things the other person would want publicly known, then they'll probably tell your private confidences too. if you reveal some small personal thing and they react badly or judge you for it then common sense tells you they are not someone to share your personal info with. it's ok to have different types of friends too. some people are great for the personal sharing and keeping confidences and others tend to be more just fun fun fun. maybe you won't leave your kids with them for the weekend because you're not sure how responsible they are but you can still enjoy them for their strengths. they may have a great sense of humor, be a very gracious host and throw the best parties in town and introduce you to other very nice people.

trusting your gut is really important too. if you get a weird vibe or a bad feeling about someone then honor it. i'm big on trusting my gut about people and it has never led me astray. if you do get a bad feeling about someone that doesn't mean they are a bad person though--they may just be bad for you to be friends with. we have to resist the temptation to judge others. we are all human and flawed.

[lynn P.]

Wow I'm very impressed by all the responses so far. Thank you ((Belle, wontgiveup, Byz, notablackbarbie, Madisgram, JD, notz and bloom3)). I don't think I've had the pleasure of reading such wise advice all in one thread before - all the wise quotes, personal stories and analogies.

Usually when I start a thread, I'm anxious to read the replies. I think I delayed myself, because I'm afraid of confronting this problem. I think I basically gave up, on ever trusting anyone and became an island - depending on my own strength. I sometimes feel like an abused dog cowering in the corner. I agree it's not fair to assume I can't trust some people.

I figure if someone from my own family can betray and hurt me, then how can I expect any better from someone not related to me. I will reread all of your responses and hope that slowly this might loosen the chains around my heart. Thank you everyone.

[madisgram]

hi lynn again...it's like the old song..."no man is an island, no man stands alone..." oh gosh i'm singing it as i type...heehee. but it's true. my biggest trust issues stem from family too. but now i've created my healthy friend "family" and discovered unconditional love does really exist! i hope the same will happen to you too.
ps no credit stemmed directly from me. my T really helped me reach this goal. i couldn't have done this on my own, just me. in early adulthood i had no understanding of healthy relationships or good coping skills cause i had a broken model.

Originally Posted by Belle1979

I don't want to trust.. but in the end I do (hence getting hurt again).. I wish I could have the dog eat dog mentality...
Maybe there are two different type of trust? One that you give out freely (trust in getting your monies worth when you buy something etc) and the other trust - in trusting an actual person?
The second one is impossible

belle, do you really just freely trust though when you make a significant purchase? i bet you don't otherwise you probably buy a lot of lemons. if you're a typical woman who loves to shop and you go to a store to buy a dress for a really special occasion i bet you try on a bunch of different dresses, consider the style, the cut, the fabric, the color, the price, etc. etc. maybe like some of us you go to a bunch of stores and try on dresses. then, you go back to the stores with your favorite dresses, try them on again and whittle it down to the best ones. then, when you've considered everything you buy one! that's not an experience in freely giving out your trust and money for a purchase. if you're not much of a clothes shopper then just use buying a car as an example. the more important something is typically the more time and care one spends deciding on the right item.

[boodles]

This is such an interesting question. To me, Bloom3's signature quote sums it up:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anaïs Nin

There is no 100% guarantee that betrayal won't occur. The most skilled judge of character will be fooled at times. It's a matter of gauging, to one's best ability, the return and/or risk on the investment. And then trust or don't - is it worth the risk to you?

Had I had more self-worth, I think I could have weathered betrayal much better than I have. And I could have trusted again more easily and had a richer life. So developing resilience to be able to bounce back is important. How to do that, for me, is the million dollar question.

I think "remaining in a tight bud" is more painful. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I keep trying to convince myself to walk this talk.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by boodles

This is such an interesting question. To me, Bloom3's signature quote sums it up:

There is no 100% guarantee that betrayal won't occur. The most skilled judge of character will be fooled at times. It's a matter of gauging, to one's best ability, the return and/or risk on the investment. And then trust or don't - is it worth the risk to you?

Had I had more self-worth, I think I could have weathered betrayal much better than I have. And I could have trusted again more easily and had a richer life. So developing resilience to be able to bounce back is important. How to do that, for me, is the million dollar question.

I think "remaining in a tight bud" is more painful. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I keep trying to convince myself to walk this talk.

Once again - another very intelligent post...thank you. I never noticed Blooms signature quote until you mentioned it - it does make perfect sense. I think when I was younger, it was so easy to trust, probably too easy and maybe that's why many of us have been hurt, because we put trust in the wrong people.

Now that I've been severely burned several times in different kinds of relationships, I have closed myself off, to protect myself. Everything that everyone said makes perfect sense - it's just a matter of putting it into practice when the opportunities come along.

[(JD)]

... and every once in a while I check back with someone I thought I might have misjudged (when I don't have bangs) to see if they really aren't trustworthy! Generally, I was right in the first place.