[surferrosa]

I pray to God asking him to please help me, but he doesn't... If God wont help you who will?

Hello, surferrosa. Is professional help an option for you?

(((((Sufferrosa)))) We hear you.Sending safe whispers of support.One breath at a time .This shall pass.

[pachyderm]

I usually find that when I "hate myself and want to die" I am actually very afraid of something (a beating), and want to escape it.

[surferrosa]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, surferrosa. Is professional help an option for you?

I would love to get help. I don't want to live this way, but then who does!I don't have insurance, and I just don't know where to begin to look. Plus Im scared that if my boyfriend knew how screwed up I really am, he will leave........ He is such a happy go lucky person.. He has awesome parents and had the dream childhood (popular, football star, did well in school etc..) As soon as he returns from work I put on a happy face and try my hardest to pretend that nothing is wrong....... I will admit, it is becomeing more difficult..

Hello, surferrosa. Have you seen this article? http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/fin...therapy/all/1/

You might also try here to see if you are entitled to assistance: http://www.namicalifornia.org/affiliates-local.aspx

I can understand your concern about what you boyfriend might think. I would hope he would be supportive. The major concern for you right now, however, is getting better. Your title to this post raises the alarm. Please get the help you need.

Good luck.

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by surferrosa

I pray to God asking him to please help me, but he doesn't... If God wont help you who will?

You know that old saying "God helps those who help themselves?" IMO, it was invented to cover God's infinate butt, but there is also some truth to that.
I hope you find the courage you need to keep living.

[summer_rain]

Originally Posted by surferrosa

I would love to get help. I don't want to live this way, but then who does!I don't have insurance, and I just don't know where to begin to look. Plus Im scared that if my boyfriend knew how screwed up I really am, he will leave........ He is such a happy go lucky person.. He has awesome parents and had the dream childhood (popular, football star, did well in school etc..) As soon as he returns from work I put on a happy face and try my hardest to pretend that nothing is wrong....... I will admit, it is becomeing more difficult..

I am in the same kind of place as you I think. It is very hard. Maybe easier when there is a place like this for connection. It must be exceptionally hard with no insurance. I am glad you found a place for support here and I hope it will help you. It looks like there are some good resources here as well as the community.