[shezbut]

My mood was pretty good up until a couple of minutes ago.

Then, I read a post in the relationships dept, I think. No warning signal. Maybe it didn't need one. But just a few sentences into the post, I felt this wave come over me. I couldn't focus on what I was reading, just had horrible memories popping into my head about my past with SA and ongoing self-hate thoughts.

I should look at this moment as just that: a moment in time. But my everything has changed so fast! I feel as though that wave is still over me, pushing me down and around in the coarse sand below. Above is the pressure of torrential forces, below is much calmer. Either way hurts.

Anyone know what I am talking about here?

[sundog]

I definitely know what you mean about feeling ok one minute and then reading something and, in a split second, feeling yourself plunge into overwhelming despair. Or anger. Or guilt. Or sadness. My good moods often feel very precarious. It doesn't take much to pull the rug out from under them. And I know exactly what you mean about the emotional reaction feeling like an all-consuming tidal wave that changes everything in a heartbeat. I'm sorry that happened. Getting triggered sucks. I hope you feel better soon

[lavieenrose]

Wow. That's exactly what I'm experiencing this evening. My inner states can shift so quickly, and I get lost in them. I was triggered by the PC website. I kept trying to get into a chatroom and had technical problems. Then, it started feeling like everyone here are all best friends, and ancient feelings of being an outsider came over me, wanting to connect, share, say "hello", exchange support, but I felt frozen, afraid. I'd start typing a post in a thread, then quit, feeling suddenly incoherent, inarticulate. I start feeling envy of others' lives. Being envious and comparing makes me feel like such a small person, when I want to be open-hearted and happy for others' good fortune. It's so painful. I want to believe that I can still find love and security in life, and not feel it's too late, I'm too old, etc. etc. Well, at least I know that this mood will eventually give way to another. Nothing is permanent.

[shezbut]

Sundog,

I greatly appreciate your post. It does feel better to be understood. Thank you very much!

[shezbut]

lavieenrose,

I'm sorry that you've experienced the same thing ~ on the same day at that!

I've definitely had times where I've felt like an outsider. That is probably part of my personality, 'cause I'm like that in person too. Standing back...not wanting to attract attention...becoming uncomfortable when people do look at me. Unless I've been drinking ~ then I become much more outgoing.

You're right...nothing is permanent. Hope that you're feeling better today. My day is going better ~ hope that yours is as well!

[lavieenrose]

Thanks, Shezbut. I'm glad that you're feeling better today. I will be feeling better, I'm sure.